Van Halen 1984, Track 3, for Xmas

Uh!
Oh yeah!
Ah-huh!

Jump back, what's that sound?
Here she comes, full blast and top down
Hot shoe, burnin' down the avenue
Model citizen, zero discipline

Don't ya know she's coming home with me
You'll lose her in that turn
I'll get her!




Just returned from a short holiday break in Panama. For Easter I am already planning a trip to Hot For Teacher, Uruguay or maybe Everybody Wants Some, Chile. No matter how you slice it, the Holidays came up Panama which means a mind-numbing number of hours spent at shopping malls and plenty of time in American restaurants (Wendy's, Popeye's, Hard Rock Cafe, Bennigans, Hooters and TGI Fridays, just to name a few).



Anywho, after five days and five Chicken Caesar Salads, La Flaca and I flew back into the wilds of Barranquilla yesterday and must now face the remaining Holidays without access to cheap shopping malls and greasy Gringo chow, which is why people get so depressed around this time, I think

ho ho ho
fpp

The Immaculate Slipstream Trailer

The Immaculate conception, which was actually the impregnation of St. Anne (the baby is the Virgin Mary) occured on Dec. 8, so on Dec. 7 Colombians stay out all night and get drunk and dance. When in Rome, go to the baths, gorge yourself and watch Spartacus.




So we went out last night, and succeeded in establishing our little group as THE bunch of assholes to avoid. Living in Barranquilla is like living anywhere else, only hotter, louder and without a creamy filling.



I Have one week of work left and then will be vacationing in Panama where I am planning on digging a big trench and convincing a couple oil tankers to pay me millions to use it, then escaping into the jungle with my ill-gotten gains as the tankers crash in the ridiculously shallow trench, spilling precious oil all over the wildlife. sweet sweet pollution.

monitoring problems and an all-around lack of good sounds

photo courtesy of cdveston

In order to remind ourselves and others in our vicinity that we are not talented, a group of gringoes got together and created the most recent incarnation of a country-disco band, this time called "Leslie, All Up In Your Grill." Although imortalized by the name of the band, Leslie declined to play bass in her clingy, wet, white wife-beater, opting instead to go to Medellin. I consider this a smart move. Anyway, we played some tunes poorly, and drank some cocktails heroicly, and another wednesday passed into history, much like the wednesday when John Wilkes Boothe got himself ejected from the Local 431 Barber's Union, and was subsequently forced to try his hand at acting and anarchy and shooting tall presidents in the noggin.

playa blanca on a three day weekend

There are lotsa three day weekends in october and november in colombia. these are all fine and dandy opportunities to do something less orderly. So la flaca and I made a trip to Rodadero last weekend and spent a couple days at the beach, which was hot and sweaty and not raining, which means a lot given how wet it has been lately.



In Rodadero, I got myself some new groovy sunglasses, some sunscreen and a blue towel. My life is advancing just as it is supposed to I think. Next step, 2.1 children, 1.8 cars, a dog, and a mortgage.

kisses
fpp

Taking Care of Business

THE KING RETURNS, SORT OF



Dateline, October, 27th, Cartagena, Colombia.

A bald, bad-tempered, well-dressed Elvis impersonator and entorage of fellow Barranquilleros arrived at at a post-ish grino event five days before Halloween and made complete asses of themselves.


A couple facts about this night. It was election weekend, which is Ley Seca, which means drinking is illegal across the country. The party wasn't a costume party (I didn't know this when we were leaving). Too much tequilla can make gringoes do stupid shit.



Halfway from Barranquilla and Cartagena, we stopped in pigtown and played guitar and drums for the locals, ate their empanadas and left after being filmed on a gaggle of cell phones.

Pigtown does not have a single working toilet with clean seat, but every fourteen year old girl with two arms has a better cell phone than me.

Anyway, that was the first adventure for the little Elvis get-up that I had made this summer-- thanks, mom-- which was quickly destroyed. The sleeves are still in Cartagena, along with a pair of underwear and an enormous amount of self-respect, somewhere in the old city, I think.



Elvis photo courtesy of Cdveston at flickr

Leslie's Birthday and lackluster weekend adventures

Still alive and kicking in BQ.

It's dried up a little in the last week, only raining every other day now.

And the gringoise have been entertaining themselves with trips to nice resturants where they make asses of themselves. Gabriel Garcia Marquez' favorite haunt "La Cueva" was this weekends first stop in celebrating Leslie's birthday. She found herself in the most uncomfortable position of being surrounded by overly celebratory unshaven gringo teachers. Poor poor girl.

Kisses to her and you.

Welcome to October,

Fpp

Juggle-mania in BQ

An interesting addition to our little BQ-world down here has been Peter Loftus, known professionally as PJuggle, a pretty-damn great juggler, which is probably a little weird to explain to the customs-guys at the airport. He's down here visiting some folks and has made appearances at my school (a couple steps up from Letterman, I think) and brought some glowing balls to the bar Saturday night.



CDavis and I agreed, watching this exhibition after a couple bottles of rum, that it was a damn good thing we were no longer of a University-age when more, shall we say, unpredictable substances are frequently imbibed, as this sensory overload might be enough to make one of us jump off of something high-up.

Amor y Amistad

Love and Friendship day is the colombian equivalent of st. valentines day in the US, without the focus on the massacre. I have always found it kind of interesting that in a country with fifty-some "st. fill-in-the-blank days" they do not celebrate Valentine's Day, but instead have a very artificial corporate-titled red-boxes-of-candy day of their own, which is what we people up there (north of mexico) do so well. I don't know who is imitating whom or what is being grafted onto what to make an apple tree that produces pears, but I do know that DIA DE AMOR Y AMISTAD has nothing to do with the Speilberg movie about that slave ship and is a great occassion to get out of the house and getcher funk on. So we did (one must always follow the steps that are painted out on the floor in order to learn how the dance is danced).



We (this is a long list, turgid with the elite of BQ) went to the new salsa bar Bambaleo and stayed until little birds were preparing to sing songs and chirp and chase worms and fly into large, clean windows. The night went off without a hitch and I was guiltly of not a single act of turpitude, which might be a record for me.

happy valentines day, love and friendship to all
fpp

sumo sumo more more

sweating profusely, i continue my assault on mid-september with yet another post, this one featuring a screwey sumo wrestler in kobe japan way the hell back in 2003. I really have very little to report. It is hot here and I am putting bunches of really idiotic things up on youtube



see you soon, besos
fpp

Making up for August

That's right, babies, two posts in one day.

I have little to say other than I have recently added some videos to Youtube. They are more or less stupid. the other videos that appear are not mine. at least I don't think they are mine.




this is me being athletic last spring or winter, i think, it is all relative here on the equator.
kisses,
fpp

Still Alive in BQ,

Is a bad blogger someone who writes badly about his or her absolutely mundane daily life, or someone who never writes at all...
You be the judge.







Crossed the river yesterday to eat fish: no one drowned. I have promised to liberate the monkeys in the cages.
Our Brothers will not be kept in bondage by the Military-Industrial Complex

I forgot Canada (I am sure I am not the first)

I forgot to mention that I spent a very wet couple days on two wheels (both motorized and pedalized) in Vancouver with some Henna Gaijin from my Kyoto-Fu days. And, except for having my thumb nearly torn off by Ben and getting absolutely drenched on the Kawi, I had a great time. Gavin and Lana put me up and Gav. showed me why people say Vancouver is prettier than Seattle (people are right, by the way; it's not even a contest). Anyway, the Canadians treated me nice, and I escaped with ten fingers and toes (they were taken from me at the border) and a fancy bright yellow motorbike rain suit, in which I look uber-sexy. It was a rocking good time, eh? So good I blocked it out of my memory.

Canuck kisses,
FPP

Sven's co-ed Drinking-Intense Baby Shower and Crown Hill Invention: Chili Fever

So much to discuss...

After a successfull and fairly far-reaching hillbillie adventure that took me to Grangeville, Cottonwood and Keuterville Idahos and Colville and Chewelah Washinton, I tripped back to the "west" for various adventures including a Mariner's Game and Weathe and Kristen's co-ed baby (Sven) shower, the focus of which was drinking games.



After that I hung about in the general Seattle area for a couple days, where I saw Crown Hill Invention at the Nectar bar, the scene of my first Seattle debauch earlier in June. Full-circle, I guess.



Anyway, I am back in BQ, where I belong, I guess. My apartment is filled with sunflowers, streamers and balloons courtesy of La Flaca. I am tired. My luggage is still in Miami, but I am not distressed, It's too damn hot for that.

Willie and the Reichlin boys

Okay. So I guess there is no other way to say it: for father’s day, I purchased tickets and took my dad and brother to see Willie Nelson at the Gorge Amphitheater on the 4^th of July. It was great. Willie, of course, came on last after Son Volt, The Old 97’s, Drive by Truckers.

Regardless how you shake it, it came up Willie. The event info said no “professional cameras” and no “digital cameras” so FPPInternational, ever the rule-following gaggle of cowardice, went to the event armed only with a small golf pencil, a piece of paper on loan from the beer-selling lady and a Kodak disposable camera (FPPInternational’s journalistic integrity and historic pursuance of greatness helped me to choose the zoom model disposable Kodak film camera) I entered the gates to the gorge and waited in the sun for a 74-year-old nasally singing Texan. Willie played for over two hours and at midnight declined to be interviewed, preferring to smoke some sagebrush.

My super cake

On my 22nd birthday, fifteen damned years ago, Melissa of Don and Melissa fame, made me a wonderful birthday cake. But damn did I have a hard time eating it, as I had just had my wisdom teeth pulled a scant three days before. So, through teary eyes and yelps of pain, I told Melissa I appreciated that she had made me a cake, but couldn't eat my piece. She got really really pissed off. Actually, she understood and has made me a birthday cake whenever I am nearby when late June rolls around. This year she went crazy and made me a beach-themed birthday cake with gummy sharks eating bikini-clad teddy grahams. Thank you, Melissa. All my snack-food fantasies have come to fruition.

Lake Chelan Hike, Nature’s Revenge.

Bees, Barbeques and Bowels Teach the Boys Who’s Boss

The annual boys against nature hike-o-rama was an exercise in humility, with six bee-stings, one scorched leg and at least one emergency forest-poo contributing to an otherwise successful and eventful weekend in eastern Washington. Next year, I predict Weathe and Strando will have the dramatic adventures, but this year it was pure FPP and Chili.

BEE Trouble

This one I really do not understand. I took my bike out this morning for a short ride up the hill past crown point. It is all uphill. On the way back, a nice leisurely downhill run in the highest gear, I got hit in the face, specifically in the right side of my upper lip, with a bee, who, being malicious, decided with dying breath, to sting me. Damn. My upper right lip is now puffy and funny looking, to match the rest of face, I suppose. Fine. Semi-normal summer occurance. I do not die or even get sick from beestings. But goddamnit, I got bit in exactly the same spot on Friday, the first day of the Chelan hike. A bee, unbeknownst to me, flew into my handful of gorp and stung my damned lip as I tossed it in my mouth.

Later, also on that Friday, I was looking for firewood for our first camp (wood that would later contribute to a scorched chili-leg) I got into a bee’s nest and was stung on my hands, feet and, you guessed it, right side of my lip. However, this time it was the lower lip. But regardless, this bee-lip connection is becoming a real pain in the ass, or lip, actually.

Puffily yours,

FPP

Solstice Fremont Naked Bicyclists

Welcome to the Fremont Summer Solstice Parade, which of course is preceded by hundreds of Nude Cyclists. Chili, Strandito and I spent the Saturday nearest the longest day of the year where we were supposed to be, Fremont.



I have very little else to add. I drank too much to really report the event as acurately as I should have. Bad FPPInternational.

Back To The Frigid Northwest

Well, for the people scoring at home, it is official: I successfully made it from Barranquilla to Seattle, with nary a hitch.





So an evening was spent at some crappy bar (Earl's) on the Ave after dining at Schultzy's. The drinks at Earl's were cheap and strong. The team suggested that I convolesce my throat with whiskey, which I did, having three "shots" one shot equalling something like six ounces.

We countered this thursday night stupidity with Friday night at the newly opened UltraLounge in Bellevue. Better looking waitstaff, much more expensive and watered down libations.

Back into the swing, I think

besos flac

Baltimore's Barbaric Ballroom Ballyhoo

Our man Chris Mohney and the lovely Lisa Brill united their biological, social and political powers Saturday, in an event shrowded in mystery and cake.



I was present, covering the event for FPPInterational, as our features editor Liliana Gomez was on assignment in Swaziland.

Having known the groom since he was a wee little pickle jumping rope on the street corner in his short pants and suspenders, I was particualrly joyfilled and teary-eyed at the actual wedding. But nothing says "dry up and get on with your life" like alcohol. So I got drunk and the remembrance of my sad lost childhood disappeared behind a fog of confussion and dancefloor acrobatics. Lisa was cool, calm and classy: Chris said the right words, wore a green bowtie and paraded the dancefloor like a peacock. The rest of us just watched and guessed what might be in the punch we were drinking.



Welcome back to the USA, Fpp, the sign said in front of the Capitol, next to the one about some guy having been molested by John Kerry.

Kick Punch Block at the Beach

La Flaca and I spent a very pleasant evening thru early morning at the excellent beach hotel/resturant/bar/disco/surfing HJ Pradomar in Puerto Colombia this weekend, celebrating my pal Henry's video release party. It seems our industrious, Jerseyite, black-belt buddy has just become the Billy Blanks of the Spanish-speaking world with the release of his exercise DVDs. Henry premiered his infomercial at the party and we all drank toasts to the art of teaching people to kick others in the interest of healthier living.



All jocularity aside, the event was great and Henry, after working like a coal-miner (meaning "really hard", not "with a little lamp on his head") on this project for four years was absolutely ecstatic. Anyway, we ate good, we drank good, we (well everybody but me) danced good, and we got home at 4 am good.

So I got's Xmas presents for everyone all reserved for next year, with which you will lose the fat and learn to kick people in Spanish, what could be better?

Balkie's Revenge

Here's a quiz for ya

What happens if Hollywood hack director Brett Ratner were to eat the entire Moonlighting DVD collection, The Last Boyscout, Catwoman, and 50% of the video store's "Suspense" aisle, where movies with titles like Illict Dreams and Night of Fear with stars like Shannon Tweed and Richard Tyson?

He probably gets a little ill and might just toss his cookies. If he happens to toss them onto 35mm celluloid, you get the unbearably bad PERFECT STRANGER, which is the worst movie I have seen since The Holiday.

I admit to watching both these pieces of shit, and I have excuses for both.

I find it amazing though, what famous, rich actory folks are prepared to do for money. I can understand me making this movie; I'm poor. But shit, Bruce, wow, this is worse than either Blind Date or The Return of Bruno. Hudson Hawk is Ben Hur compared to this gargantuan pile of duck feces. I think Mr. Willis should take his $ from Perfect Stranger and put a few more dudes on the "Bruce's most wanted list" starting with director James Foley.


I won't even mention Halle Berry, as this movie seems right about up her alley.

Cartagena again, springbreak

Happy Easter.
Not too much to report this break.

La flaca and I went to Cartagena after finding a hotel at the last possible moment, which means a couple things:
A. I got gouged. I do not want to admit how much I paid for the two nights at this hotel, but let's just say there are better deals to be had even during the high season.
B. The hotel wasn't the best. It was however, an all-inclusive deal, which means the food is on them. And it tasted as though it had been on them, especially on Pedro, the guy who cleans the bathrooms. I don't even want to write the name of the hotel, it was such an overpriced shithole.



anyway, it was a nice trip, we went to the inquisition torture museum, which didn't cost hardly anything but was way overpriced. I had a nice time, but am a little embarrassed to say that the only thing I feel I accomplished on this trip was the turning of my skin to a very very bright neon pink color.
I have been out of the sun for a while, and after a couple hours in the sun on the beach in cartagena (prepositional phrases for all) I became a new color. It still hurts. And by this I don't mean that it hurts when someone slaps me on the back and says, "Nice work closing the Hertvinschtinker deal, Guy." But it hurts when the earth revolves around the sun. It hurts when my small intestines squeeze old food matter. It hurts all the time.

Oh, it rained today. I know this seems like the most mundane of all mundanities, but people who have eeked out a living in BQ, will understand why I make this observation. Today was the first time it has rained at all since late November.

So stay dry, keep away from the arroyos and eat your eggs.
Fpp

Welcome to La Troja

Just a simple Rumba saturday night at La Troja, which is an historic old outdoor salsa bar toward the center of town.



Although not a nightly venture a trip to La Troja is always an occassion. It makes the old feel young and keeps the young intoxicated. Actually we just ended the night at La Troja, having started at Chris' apartment, moved to Charanga 79 and finally closed the deal at La Troja. Well, I didn't close anything, but looking around at the sloppy faces and beer stained clothes, something got closed by someone. No matter how you cut it, it was a typical rumba saturday in BQ. Ciao and kisses, FPP

Cartagena during Carnivals

La Flaca and I escaped from Barranquilla during the Carnivals and went to Cartagena, which you might remember from such films as Romancing the Stone and .... Look Who's Talking Now, both of which were actually filmed in Mexico. Either way, The old city was even older than the last time I was there, but so was I.

Carnaval time again

Carnaval de Barranquilla is in full swing again, and this year I am playing the reluctant observer.

The last few weeks have been dominated by the Todd and Urania -- Gringo binding with Barranquillera event, where I took some semi-crappy photos. For more on recent BQ Gringo happenenings, as always, see Chris Davis' Flickr Pics.

Ciao for now,
FPP

Tayrona, (Tie - Row - Na)

Happy New Year. I just got back from a diverting time away from the city. La Flaca and I took a little trip to Tayrona National park, which, in case you are uninitiated, is about as close to Giligan's Island as you can get around here, or around there, for the most part (unless you are in Hawaii or Fiji or some such BS).Regardless of how you look at it, For a two and a half hour trip (or less by car, up to four or five if you travel by one of the many ridiculously crappy buses available here in Colombia), Tayrona is a nice little trip option for the 2nd of January. I must admit I sometimes take these trips just to think about what my similar options might be back home. Spokane, WA, maybe? hmmmmm.
Tayrona was absolutely full of people though, Europeans and Colombians from the interior (this means people not from the coast, so they are generally paler, quieter, more polite, and less likely to throw garbage on the ground than your average Costeno). So La Flaca and I only stayed a few nights, before returning to the Colombian capital of Carnaval and Hot Dogs.
Ah, there is no dress code at Tayrona. La Flaca wouldn't allow me to take a picture of the model sunbathing next to us covered only by the smallest of g-strings and some green paint on her nipples, but I did get a pic of this nice thong couple walking up the beach. Judging by the fellow's tan line there, this ain't the first time he has been out in a thong.
So, when you get ready for your winter getaway, consider Tayrona, and pack a bunch of thongs, cause I guess you don't want to wear the same one day after day after day.