But wait a second, who does the right have that can run a successful campaign against the Muslim, Kenyan, yellow-bellied, smarty-pants, law-talking, college-boy socialist Barrack HUSSEIN Obama? The liberal media will not allow their golden boy to be defeated in a fair fight. The GOP needs someone magnificent and unexpected to fight the good fight.
Sarah Palin's TV show was a bust, and Mitt Romney is a robot. Where can the good people of America turn?
Reality TV of course.
Right now, as the days in spring 2011 lengthen, the good people of America are speaking, and they are shouting ... DONALD TRUMP.
Yep, Donald Trump, who, of course, is an excellent candidate for the Republican nod because he:
Is completely full of shit.
Has already gone bankrupt a handful of times
Has no executive experience whatsoever
Got everything he has from his father's success
Knows/loves/will protect millionaires
Has been married at least three times
Doesn't give a shit about you
But can't we, the nation that has perfected Reality TV, come up with someone better than THE DONALD? Our Reality TV history is the greatest in the world. While most of our jobs are being sent to India, our Reality TV workers are still putting out quality product that kicks Bollywood square in the balls. Aren't there more ideal Reality TV stars we can put on the ticket? Let's look at some candidates:
MARTHA STEWART
Known for: Home and decorating and cooking and crafts and shit like that.
PROS:
Real bitchy.
Superiority complex.
Did hard time for insider trading and obstruction of justice--Good old
fashioned GOP crimes.
Would decorate the fuck out of the White House.
Her website is called “Martha Stewart Omni-media, as in “all over the goddamn place,” which means the wiretaps are already in place.
People who shop at Kmart already know her name.
CONS:
She turns 70 in 2011, and nobody likes droopy old boobies.
She has a French Bulldog, which is A) French and B) faggy.
She likes opera and other artsy-fartsy crap.
Doesn't kill her own meat.
GENE SIMMONS
Known for: having a long tongue, being a mediocre bassist, putting his KISS-brand bullshit logos on everything from chewable vitamins to tampons
PROS:
He's was in a Tom Selleck movie.
Regrets voting for Obama.
Spits blood.
CONS:
Oddly enough, he's as charismatic as a generic can of corn.
Snake-skin pants.
He once hit on NPR's Terry Gross
Teeth of Snakeface boots will mar hardwood floors in Oval office.
Didn't write “Beth.”
JOAN RIVERS
KNOWN FOR: Appearing before awards shows and talking shit about rich people's clothes.
PROS:
She looks presidential. If you combined the faces of James Monroe, Wm. Henry Harrison and Roddy McDowell (in his planet of the apes makeup) you get Joan Rivers.
CONS:
She's older than Reagan, and I don't mean just older than Reagan when he took office.
Like Gene Simmons, changed her name so as not to seem so Jewish.(At least her name wasn't Lieberman).
Seems like she has no problems with gay people, nor vice versa, and that ain't bible.
Appears to care less about being a good leader than even George W. Bush.
Her face might explode all over the Russian president, which would be a sign of weakness.
Has no idea how to shoot a gun.
OZZY OSBOURNE
KNOWN FOR: Biting head off bat. Drinking own pee. Snorting ants. Tattooing himself. Worshiping Satan. Ironman.
PROS:
See Known For (above).
Doesn't seem overly intellectual for average American.
Probably very few skeletons in his closet
Would not hesitate to go to war with any country for no reason.
Doesn't worry about being 'all PC'.
Can't be killed by poisoning.
Owes IRS millions and might just work for free.
CONS:
Once peed on the Alamo
Is British, but not in a bad way like Colin Firth, in a good way like The Transporter guy.
TILA TEQUILA
KNOWN FOR: Lesbian Asian T&A
PROS:
Manages to blend many things real American's can't stand (female, Asian, gay, foreign, rap music) into something they do like (porn).
Will have no problem working with both sides.
Won't raise your taxes as much as your wood.
She's a hardworking girl who began her career in her teens.
Cleavage.
CONS:
None.
JERRY SPRINGER
KNOWN FOR: Jerry Springer Show. Mayoring in Cincinnati. Paying prostitute with a check.
PROS:
Has executive experience.
Extensive time spent sorting out the problems of average red state voters.
Has his own security guys, won't need Secret Service
Once hosted WWE RAW.
Those ending monologues on his show demonstrate some real depth of character.
Only person alive who has kicked Oprah's ass and lived to talk about it.
CONS:
British, and not like The Transporter guy.
Starred in “The Defender” which was directed by Dolph Lundgren, who is a communist boxer.
Is a democrat.
So, my American brothers and sisters, I ask you, should we settle for Donald Trump when there are so many options available to us for 2012? I think it would be disastrous to limit ourselves to merely the loudest and most annoying Reality TV star with the worst hair, when there are so many better qualified self-promoters available.
Imagine the dream ticket, my fellow Americans, TEQUILA/PALIN 2012. Just imagine it, after a tough day of stumping in Tulsa, Oklahoma the candidates are forced to share a room with only one queen-sized bed 'cause the Monster trucks are at the BOK Center, and one of them calls down 'cause they need more towels, and you have to bring the towels up to the, and when you knock on the door they tell you to come in, and Sarah's only wearin' them glasses and is holding pillow case in front of her, and Tila comes out of the bathroom and she's all dripping from the shower. I tell you, it happens all the time. I've read about it. Hell, I saw the aftermath of something just like this one on Springer, it was amazing, an experience that could only be described as Presidential.
