Mike Tyson's New Career Move.

This is the best thing Iron Mike has done since the very early 1990's.

Click on this:

TYSON = HERMAN CAIN

...And show off the cool handshake me and Jesus have been working on for when he comes back to earf.

...Use Illegal aliens as human batteries, like in the Matrissessessess

Kisses,

FPPInternational

Some Fall Stuff

Oh man, does it get cold, dark and wet quickly here in the great pacific northwest.
Damn diddly am. And although the winter is coming on quick and fiercelike, team Bothell has been able to get out and get a couple things done.

Lotsa animals in here, and a waterfall, and Fpp in a nausea-inducing flight simulator and a big hill and some other silly stuff.

And now, just for something to fill a little more space here, we went kayaking a couple months ago when it was warm, and nice and pleasant, and warm and sunny and warm.

Chris and Roxy, on a visit from North Carolina, race us and easily win the aquatic battle royale.

Kiss kiss

Ciao for now

Hiking Excursion VI, Acoustic Bugaloo

As in years past, this Summer the Bastardos moved West for the funk. The Olympic Peninsula Coast was the destination, wet feet the prescription, sand and ropes the constipation.

The hike was very much different from any other year, as 2011 offered an interesting mix of beach and rain-forest hiking, dolphin spotting, crashing waves drowning out snoring, and salmon and steak dinners.

All in all, another total success with zero fatalities and plenty of foolish douche-baggery. Lessons were learned and age was shown, with the aid of rope-ascent hikes proliferating muddy trails, where joints cried foul.

But, as mentioned, no one died or needed a ride to a hospital, so the venture only made us stronger.

Kisses from the indoors, where refrigerators and toaster ovens provide the warm solace of domestic bliss.

In Other Music News

It's been a full week since Joe Arroyo, Colombia's greatest salsa singer, died in a hospital in BQ. The last five or ten years had been kinda rough for old Joe (who wasn't really that old, 55).

That's him with Shakira there, back in 2006

He had drug problems and I think he was diabetic, and seemed really shaky on stage at times. But damn did he have a cool voice. He high-fived me once at a club (La Quinta, which is now closed) and we ate in the same restaurant once, where I made a fool of myself when I recognized him. I have been trying to reckon how many times I saw Joe, at least six, the last time at a small club in BQ with virtually no one in attendance, which is amazing, as he was, until his last breath, a National hero, and Salsa legend.

Adios, Joe, The staff at FPPInternational will be trying to imitate that screechy sound you made for the following week or two.

Here's the video for Joe's tune, Sabre Olvidar, which is awesome for many reasons:
1) It's a cool tune.
2) Parts of it were filmed at Las Flores, where we used to eat fish on weekends
3) Joe's wearing a captain's hat with overalls

4) At 3:45 a girl presents a flopping fish in a box to the camera for consideration

Pussy-Town?

Seattle is an interesting place.

It's up in the corner there of the country, as far away from Miami as possible (that's good).
A pretty far piece from any other major metropolitan area (that's also good).

It has long been a place for people running away from something. It has long been associated with extremes. It has the best summers in the continental US, and the worst winters. Forbes says it is the most miserable sports city in the USA; however it is also the most educated city.

Seattle has always kicked-ass at producing music, good music. Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Jimi-freaking-Hendrix, hell, even Heart, Seattle has a pretty great track record in the world of music. But it seems lately something has changed.
Like the SuperSonics, Seattle's Rock-n-Roll-ability has disappeared to Oklahoma or some such desolate shit-hole.

The only local band that's getting any radio-play right now is a group called The Head and The Heart, and their tune "Lost In My Mind." First of all, both are really shitty names, band and song. But maybe, if the tunes are great, it could be like Mott the Hoople or "You Can't Rollerskate in a Buffalo Heard." Trust me, it ain't. This is Hootie and the Blowfish. This is "Here's a Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)."

The band and song are as good as they sound, downright low-mediocre pussy-music which basically sums up the state of Rock-n-Roll in general at this stage of its existence, but this band couldn't be worse if Kenny G were the bassist. Whatever happened to The Supersuckers or Mudhoney?

Seattle used to celebrate creative acts. Our music is now the equivalent of Superbowl XL. It's a sad state of affairs. At least in sports we're used to getting our asses kicked. We used to be good at bands. Now we are not even Portland or San Diego (anyone remember Stone Temple Pilots). Oh woe is me.

Delayed Reaction

Is it cruel to pick on George W Bush? He seems so sensible now, in light of the Palins and Bachmanns and other teabag looneys who are amazingly, disgustingly controlling our national discourse. For people who can barely read, they are a force to be reckoned with. Shouldn't they just be quietly washing our cars and removing the dog poop from our lawns and not, uhhhh making political speeches and stuff.

anyway, General W this week explained why he had such a delayed reaction when told planes were smashing into buildings all over the eastern seaboard damn near ten years ago. Talk about delayed reactions. And his reason, "I wanted to look calm." George Wiggly Bush wanted to look calm. It took ten years to come up with that? Really? Karl Rove is losing his touch. Ten fucking years to figure out, "Hmmmm. Looking calm sounds Presidential. Might just save my historical ranking." Anyway, it worked. He sure seemed calm.

This reminds me of when GWB acknowledged that the worst moment of his presidency (a presidency slapped about by terrorist attacks, the destruction of the economy, two wars, and massive attacks on civil liberties) was when Kanye said GWB didn't like black people. Really? after overseeing the death of thousands of soldiers, having to meet some of their parents, helping to bilk 9-11 first responders out of their insurance, stuff like that, your worst day is Kanye being mean to you during a Katrina telethon? Man, you're a bigger wimp than your dad.

New FPPInternational Feature: Things You Can't Say Anymore

FPPInternational now features more than just Hardcore 3-D porn. Starting today, The editors will keep you clued in as to what you absolutely may not ever say again.

The inaugural term is, "LET'S DO THIS."
Don't do it, under any circumstances.

If anyone says "Let's do this," around you, feel free to punch and/or kill that person.

Thank you,

The Editors,

FPPInternational

I Would Rather Die Than Take a Nap

Just ask Michael Jackson

Picking up features editor Dr. Dinkus Reichlin today, after his scrubbing, clipping and probing, Sports editor La FLaca Reichlin and I were entertained by a recent pharmaceutical company's spectacular new product, NuVigil.

As far as we could tell, it's supposed to keep you from feeling sleepy at 3 in the afternoon. But really, that's unclear, and even, as they put it in the ad, the pill may not do anything for sleep disorders or sleepiness, however it does ( and here FppInternational is quoting their website):

PROVIGIL will not cure these sleep disorders. PROVIGIL may help the sleepiness caused by these conditions, but it may not stop all your sleepiness. PROVIGIL does not take the place of getting enough sleep. Follow your doctor\'s advice about good sleep habits and using other treatments.

PROVIGIL is a federally controlled substance (C-IV), so use PROVIGIL only as directed and keep in a safe place to prevent misuse and abuse. It is against the law to sell or give PROVIGIL to another person.

What important information should I know about PROVIGIL?

• PROVIGIL may cause serious side effects including a serious rash or a serious allergic reaction that may affect parts of your body such as your liver or blood cells. Any of these may need to be treated in a hospital and may be life-threatening. If you develop a skin rash, hives, sores in your mouth, blisters, peeling, or yellowing of your skin or eyes, trouble swallowing or breathing, dark urine, or fever, stop taking PROVIGIL and call your doctor right away or get emergency help.
• Provigil is not approved for children for any condition. It is not known if PROVIGIL is safe or if it works in children under the age of 17.
• You should not take PROVIGIL if you have had a rash or allergic reaction to PROVIGIL or NUVIGIL^® (armodafinil) Tablets [C-IV], or are allergic to any of the following ingredients: modafinil, armodafinil, lactose monohydrate, microcrystalline cellulose, pregelatinized starch, croscarmellose sodium, povidone, and magnesium stearate.

What are possible side effects of PROVIGIL?

Stop taking PROVIGIL and call your doctor right away or get emergency help if you get any of the following serious side effects:

• Mental (psychiatric) symptoms, including: depression, feeling anxious, sensing things that are not really there, increase in activity (mania), thoughts of suicide, aggression, other mental problems.
• Symptoms of a heart problem, including: chest pain, abnormal heart beats, and trouble breathing.

Common side effects of PROVIGIL are headache, nausea, feeling nervous, stuffy nose, diarrhea, back pain, feeling anxious, trouble sleeping, dizziness, and upset stomach. These are not all the side effects of PROVIGIL. Tell your doctor if you get any side effect that bothers you or that does not go away. Talk to your doctor for medical advice about side effects.

What should I avoid while taking PROVIGIL?

• Do not drive or do other dangerous activities until you and your doctor know how PROVIGIL affects you.
• Avoid drinking alcohol.

Basically, from what we could tell, the stuff is poison. This company is like a Veronan Apothecary, happily waiting to suit your every please-kill-me-quick-at-the-family-crypt need. Who the fuck buys this stuff?

A haiku:

If ad is just list

Of side-effects, tell Rush it's

Diet Oxycontin

Lebron James Promises 'Next Year.'

Lebron James promises to continue his drive towards excellence.

Vows to be even bigger douche-bag next year.

The Art of Idiocy

While my favorite Congressman tries to pull himself out of a rock and a hard-place, one of my least favorite uhhhhh whatever-the-fuck-she-is, not only makes a massive show of her complete ignorance and lack of education, she later DEFENDS that complete lack of knowledge.

Even Faux News called her on it. And she still CANNOT admit to getting it wrong. How fucking stupid are the people who support this woman? She is as dumb as a human being can be without having her heart stop when she sleeps.

How can anyone watch her talk and try to explain anything, without wondering whether or not she's off some kind of medication. She's a fucking idiot. Whichever one of her kids has Down syndrome should consider himself lucky that's all he's got. REALLY. Folks with Down syndrome can still be functional, useful members of society. Whatever is wrong with her is absolute societal cancer.

Damned Weiner

I thought for sure, as I moved forward in my early forties, it would be my own weiner that would be causing me problems. Late night commercials, Bob Dole, and Rush Limbaugh's airport prescription woes had me firmly believing that the hard part of getting the groove on in middle-age would be my own weiner, Not NY's weiner.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CMHhkWuPp8

First, I just wanna say, I love Anthony Weiner, and hope he does not go away, at least not prematurely. He's my single favorite congressman, (well, second, after the sublimely delusional Michelle Bachmann) and his sense of humor and sarcasm make for the best show on C-Span.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fj_yProUnEI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy7jcvsLrHg

Then he sent a picture of his junk in his drawers to a woman down the street.

Damn it, Weiner! That's a soft-headed thing to do. How could you have armed the moronic minions on the right with a tool like this. There will obviously be mounds of jokes and comments, and they will be piercing. The pen is, after all, mightier that the sword.

Damn it, Weiner, Why?

Why couldn't this have happened to Boehner (yeah, whatever D-bag, sure it's pronounced "Bay-ner")

New Favorite Quote: Maher

I am fairly certain the progressive cheapening of American politics by the consideration of voters of retards such as Palin, Bachmann, Rand Paul and Donald Trump, is the reason for my new fascination with a certain New York Bankrupt real estate developer and idiot. Thanks to Rolling Stone mag and Bill Maher, I have a favorite new quote:

(From the April 28 issue of the aforementioned magazine):

Donald Trump? Why are we even listening to this forgotten clown? Why don't we ask John Wayne Bobbit's severed dick what it thinks about fixing the nuclear reactor in Japan?

Hey, Goddammit, Where are my 72 Virgins?

Before I begin reading the right-wing Caca from the crazies about how Obama screwed the recent operation in Pakistan up, or how the real enemy is still at large in the form of the liberal media or NPR or NEA or Socialist medical insurance plans, a haiku:

May swaying poor dolts

To die for you, ensure your

Shitty afterlife

2012, The Series

The Republicans know a little something about manipulating the citizenry of the US of A. In April of 2011, however, there seems to be a little luster missing from the usual GOP diamond-encrusted, elephant-shaped dildo of which the American people have intimate knowledge. There's nothing to worry about for the protectors of our freedoms, defenders of our faith and keepers-the-fuck-out of our Mexican neighbors, you say? Just shine the shit on that elephant dildo and get back in gear for the 2012 follow-up to the 2010 swing to the right; the red states are ready., and the blue states will have the blues. 2012 will be a banner year for right-minded lovers of liberty, terrors of taxes, upholder of the unborn, fighters for the flag, and baggers of tea...

But wait a second, who does the right have that can run a successful campaign against the Muslim, Kenyan, yellow-bellied, smarty-pants, law-talking, college-boy socialist Barrack HUSSEIN Obama? The liberal media will not allow their golden boy to be defeated in a fair fight. The GOP needs someone magnificent and unexpected to fight the good fight.

Sarah Palin's TV show was a bust, and Mitt Romney is a robot. Where can the good people of America turn?

Reality TV of course.

Right now, as the days in spring 2011 lengthen, the good people of America are speaking, and they are shouting ... DONALD TRUMP.

Yep, Donald Trump, who, of course, is an excellent candidate for the Republican nod because he:

• Is completely full of shit.

• Has already gone bankrupt a handful of times

• Has no executive experience whatsoever

• Got everything he has from his father's success

• Knows/loves/will protect millionaires

• Has been married at least three times

• Doesn't give a shit about you

  
  

But can't we, the nation that has perfected Reality TV, come up with someone better than THE DONALD? Our Reality TV history is the greatest in the world. While most of our jobs are being sent to India, our Reality TV workers are still putting out quality product that kicks Bollywood square in the balls. Aren't there more ideal Reality TV stars we can put on the ticket? Let's look at some candidates:

MARTHA STEWART

Known for: Home and decorating and cooking and crafts and shit like that.

PROS:

• Real bitchy.

• Superiority complex.

• Did hard time for insider trading and obstruction of justice--Good old

  fashioned GOP crimes.

• Would decorate the fuck out of the White House.

• Her website is called “Martha Stewart Omni-media, as in “all over the goddamn place,” which means the wiretaps are already in place.

• People who shop at Kmart already know her name.

CONS:

• She turns 70 in 2011, and nobody likes droopy old boobies.

• She has a French Bulldog, which is A) French and B) faggy.

• She likes opera and other artsy-fartsy crap.

• Doesn't kill her own meat.

  
  

GENE SIMMONS

Known for: having a long tongue, being a mediocre bassist, putting his KISS-brand bullshit logos on everything from chewable vitamins to tampons

PROS:

• He's was in a Tom Selleck movie.

• Regrets voting for Obama.

• Spits blood.

CONS:

• Oddly enough, he's as charismatic as a generic can of corn.

• Snake-skin pants.

• He once hit on NPR's Terry Gross

• Teeth of Snakeface boots will mar hardwood floors in Oval office.

• Didn't write “Beth.”

  
  

JOAN RIVERS

KNOWN FOR: Appearing before awards shows and talking shit about rich people's clothes.

PROS:

• She looks presidential. If you combined the faces of James Monroe, Wm. Henry Harrison and Roddy McDowell (in his planet of the apes makeup) you get Joan Rivers.

CONS:

• She's older than Reagan, and I don't mean just older than Reagan when he took office.

• Like Gene Simmons, changed her name so as not to seem so Jewish.(At least her name wasn't Lieberman).

• Seems like she has no problems with gay people, nor vice versa, and that ain't bible.

• Appears to care less about being a good leader than even George W. Bush.

• Her face might explode all over the Russian president, which would be a sign of weakness.

• Has no idea how to shoot a gun.

  
  

OZZY OSBOURNE

KNOWN FOR: Biting head off bat. Drinking own pee. Snorting ants. Tattooing himself. Worshiping Satan. Ironman.

PROS:

• See Known For (above).

• Doesn't seem overly intellectual for average American.

• Probably very few skeletons in his closet

• Would not hesitate to go to war with any country for no reason.

• Doesn't worry about being 'all PC'.

• Can't be killed by poisoning.

• Owes IRS millions and might just work for free.

CONS:

• Once peed on the Alamo

• Is British, but not in a bad way like Colin Firth, in a good way like The Transporter guy.

TILA TEQUILA

KNOWN FOR: Lesbian Asian T&A

PROS:

• Manages to blend many things real American's can't stand (female, Asian, gay, foreign, rap music) into something they do like (porn).

• Will have no problem working with both sides.

• Won't raise your taxes as much as your wood.

• She's a hardworking girl who began her career in her teens.

• Cleavage.

CONS:

• None.

JERRY SPRINGER

KNOWN FOR: Jerry Springer Show. Mayoring in Cincinnati. Paying prostitute with a check.

PROS:

• Has executive experience.

• Extensive time spent sorting out the problems of average red state voters.

• Has his own security guys, won't need Secret Service

• Once hosted WWE RAW.

• Those ending monologues on his show demonstrate some real depth of character.

• Only person alive who has kicked Oprah's ass and lived to talk about it.

  
  

CONS:

• British, and not like The Transporter guy.

• Starred in “The Defender” which was directed by Dolph Lundgren, who is a communist boxer.

• Is a democrat.

So, my American brothers and sisters, I ask you, should we settle for Donald Trump when there are so many options available to us for 2012? I think it would be disastrous to limit ourselves to merely the loudest and most annoying Reality TV star with the worst hair, when there are so many better qualified self-promoters available.

Imagine the dream ticket, my fellow Americans, TEQUILA/PALIN 2012. Just imagine it, after a tough day of stumping in Tulsa, Oklahoma the candidates are forced to share a room with only one queen-sized bed 'cause the Monster trucks are at the BOK Center, and one of them calls down 'cause they need more towels, and you have to bring the towels up to the, and when you knock on the door they tell you to come in, and Sarah's only wearin' them glasses and is holding pillow case in front of her, and Tila comes out of the bathroom and she's all dripping from the shower. I tell you, it happens all the time. I've read about it. Hell, I saw the aftermath of something just like this one on Springer, it was amazing, an experience that could only be described as Presidential.

Birth of a Nation

ABC News recently reported that Donald Trump, yeah, that Donald Trump, is tied for second place in polls of potential Republican voters of whom they would like to see as their 2012 presidential candidate.

Just when you thought the right was getting a touch less touched with the removal of Glenn Beck's show from FOXNews, ABC New reports that Donald Trump is a serious Preidential hopeful, with a full 8 percent lead over the bat-shit crazy yardstick Sarah Palin, and an eleven percent lead over the CooCoo for Cocoa Puffs bird.

His entire platform seems to be, "I haven't seen Obama's birth certificate, so he's from Kenya."

Didn't we cover this a couple years ago?

I have never seen my own original fucking birth certificate, I don't think.

If I have, I doubt it had "religion" on it. Big Don's claim is that Barack Hussein Obama's original Kenyan Birth certificate says stuff like Muslim and Socialist on it, and he (President Obama) sure as shit doesn't want anyone to see that incriminating evidence of his potential malfeasance. What does The Donald's birth certificate say, Philanderer and Douche-bag?

By the way, in an effort to stick partisan politics up everyone's ass as hard as they can, the Republicans are threatening to shut down the government. Fine, you shits, shut down your half, Shut down the bullshit protection of insurance companies and HMO's; shut down the protection of corporations, the gun lobby, the oil lobby, shut down the shitbirds that want to drill for oil in national parks, shut down Leo Berman's big fucking hats government supply shop, take away John Boehner's key to the tanning bed and the liquor cabinet. Shut down all your whining cause you got beat in 2008 in an election that wasn't close enough to steal.

How can anyone take these cartoon character schmucks seriously?

Either they are repeating the most pandering, idiotic horseshit they can, in order to sway the common denominator for purely political reasons (Trump, Boehner), or they are really dumb enough to believe the crap they're spewing (Berman, Beck). Either way, stop embracing idiocy. With all the shit going on in the world in early 2011, is there anyone who just wants to focus on solving the real problems facing us.

Oh, yeah, I forgot, he's a Heathen Communist Muslim engineered in a genetics lab near Lake Baikal, then sent to Hawaii (closest state to Russia that isn't Alaska, which is patrolled by the Palin family with guns and fishing boats) to be elected president and one day destroy the USA by getting poor people access to medicine.

DIABOLICAL

A Haiku:

If persuading dolts

to believe lies was hard work,

Rush wouldn't be so fat.

Nihon

So, a little over a week ago, while moving northern Japan eight feet closer to North America, a grumbling bit of sub-oceanic plate rubbing moved Muammar al-Gaddafi off the front page of the world's newspapers. It also raised all hell in Japan, center of FPPInternational operations from July 2003-July 2004

FppInternational has not been delinquent in reporting the facts to the world, just without wise-guy stupid jerk comments. The coffers are still depleted.

It just makes me wonder if the Japanese can catch a break.

For all their goofy Xenophobic, traditional, shoe-removing, male-only-adoration, Hello-Kitty cuteness, porn-comic weirdness, they're pretty nice people, in general. Just like anywhere else.

And, in the last sixty-five years, they have had two atom bombs dropped on 'em, and are now suffering from the nuclear-fallout of a giant industrial accident spawned by an earthquake.

Could this be much worse?

Eventually, the Japanese will be fine. They are resilient folks. SUPER-resilient folks. And they will be thriving in a short time, far shorter than Haiti has had. The editorial staff at FPPInternational is just worried that Kim Jung-un will use the re-establishment of a powerful Japan as a reason to sent a missile into Nagoya.

Ganbatte, Japan! The world is with you.

Colombian Rock Guy

Although Barranquillera Shakira is known on Attu Island, there is very little else in the way of Colombian Rock-n-Roll groups worth mentioning, right?

Well, for the most part, right; however, Colombia has done pretty well in blending togther some different types of music together, and as a result, can claim some of the biggest names in Latin pop music. For example, Carlos Vives and Juanes, two dudes who've kinda become famous world-wide (well, mundial, anyway) for being rock stars.

"Who gives a shit, and what the hell does this have to do with FPPInternational," you ask? Well no-one, I suppose, and, plenty, since the editorial staff recently took in the local Juanes concert, at the WAMU theater in Seattle, which just happened to be the kick-off show for his North American tour.

Along with rockin' out, Dinky got some pechichon and ran along some docks, and La Flaca sliced the skin off an apple.

ciao for now.

FPPInternational

The Land of the Free and Home of the Brave

Oh Beautiful for spacious skies

A few things happening in the world right now. Seems that, fed on the success of popular uprisings in Egypt and Tunisia, Libyan people have taken it upon themselves to create a government "of the people." This being said, the task has proven to be a slightly arduous one, given that part of the process involves overthrowing a tyrant with the keys to the room where all the flame-throwers are stored. Our old pal Moammar has proven to be less of a push-over than his Egyptian counterpart Hosni.

I personally thought Hosni was an idiot for waiting around as long as he did, when he could have just said, "Oh, Yeah, You Jackasses? Well, I'm going to New York to the UN and just see about all this bullshit!" and then, filled his pillowcases with cash and gold and King Tut treasures and diamonds and cans of extra-fancy white albacore tuna fish, and said, "I'll be right back, then I'll kick your ass!" and never ever returned and lived out his remaining years in wealth and prosperity in some place like the Bahamas, next door to Shakira, watching her shake her ass while he pretends to water his azalea bushes.

I don't think anyone, not you, not me, not Hosni, not Hillary, not the folks in Lybia, thought Moammar would leave quite so easily. Yet, the Libyan boys and girls are giving it a go. And this is serious shit. This is getting-blown-up serious. People in Libya are risking everything to stand up for establish some rights for common Joes. It is beyond admirable. It's heroic.

Meanwhile, here in the land of All-you-can-eat lunch buffets, we have the this:

Seems kinda like the opposite of what's going on all over the southern coast of the Mediterranean right now. Another douche-bag leader, maybe not as monstrous and Moammar, but still a complete tool, doing his best to remove rights from the citizenry, while empowering the corporate rich. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is right now removing the rights of his constituents, and the Wii-playing citizenry of "the land of the free" does nary a goddamn thing.

Middle-class working folks in Wisconsin are having their rights taken away and there will be no general upheaval in this country, because some idiot like Rush Limbaugh will use the word 'communists' or 'socialists' and Wisconsin dem.'s will be afraid of losing votes and will allow this shit to happen.

A HAIKU:

It's sad that we are

too lazy to give a shit

while in a desert...

Wisconsin, get yerselves a new governor, pronto!

Season of the Sales Pitch

My computer and TV are always inundated with movie ads, as I am sure, yours are as well. Sometimes I go to the movies as a result, and sometimes, I go to the movies without really knowing what I want to see. Then I buy a ticket and watch a movie. A while ago La Flaca and I went and saw Harry Potter 7. In the lobby of the theater was a poster of Nicolas Cage's latest release, Season of the Witch.

I had to stand next to this bigger than life thing while we were waiting to go see the little magic bastard. Anyway, I had a couple thoughts:

1. That can't possibly be Nick Cage's hair.

He's as bald as I am by now, I am sure.

and

2. They MUST STOP NAMING NICOLAS CAGE MOVIES.

Instead, all Nick cage movies must be numbered. For example, instead of going to see Disney's Sorcerer's Apprentice, you would throw your ten bucks down to see Disney's Nicolas Cage film 27. The movies must be numbered from the date of him winning his Leaving Las Vegas Oscar. with only five exceptions:

Astro Boy

G-Force

The Ant Bully

A Christmas Carol and

Adaptation

Since those movies are A) four cartoons, which don't hinge on Nicolas Cage's name being before the title, and B) actually one good movie.

Think of how many people would be saved.

Imagine going to see a movie this holiday season and having no idea what's playing,

"How about Season of the Witch?" your friend asks.

You hum the Donovan song. "OK," you say.

Then you go in the theater; it gets dark. The music starts, and Nicolas Cage's face fills the screen.

"Goddamnit!" At least ten bucks in the old shitter.

I think the Motion Picture Association of America has a much more considerable responsibility than keeping ten-year-old's from seeing nipples. They have the charge of preventing unassuming patrons from mistakenly seeing Nicolas Cage movies. NC17 the hell out of whatever you want, but please, please MPAA, put Nick Cage's name on any movie he stars in from now on. Think of the children.

MMXI, Year of the "Are you shitting me?"

A year ago, I began the decade being bitten on my ass, and that's bad. This year, the bite was in a slightly more tender location.

Disolve to six months ago

FPP celebrates birthday 40. Which is good, as FPP has never been one to cherish the age of ignorance and stupidity. He is, however one who believes, in his psuedo-conscious, that as he gets older, he'll stop doing stupid stuff. FPP is often wrong, and slightly delusional. But anyway, not too worried about becoming an older guy.

So, first thing, on the morning of January 1, 2011, FPP is in line at the West Seattle Safeway, buying a couple bottles of relatively cheap champagne for Mimosas for the Weatherpeople's annual 1/1 recovery brunch. FPP finds the shortest Safeway checkout line and approaches, the woman who is there, putting her groceries on the conveyor-belt-thing, looks up at FPP and says, "Hurry, put them here, put them down." FPP does nothing, but looks kinda confused. Is she gonna pay for his sparkling wine? FPP looks dumb. "Oh, sorry," woman says, "I thought you were my father."

OK. Hold on. This girl could have been 18 or 21, you're saying, making a 40-year-old FPP a possible father, right?

BULLSHIT. She was at least 40, and when the father finally appeared (by this time FPP was in the neighboring line, having no desire to hear any fucking explanations), the guy was like 80. GODDAMIT, really? That guy?

Anyway, another year starts with another bite in the ass, only this time, no trip to the emergency room was required. I'd love to go on, but I have to change my fucking diapers.

Kisses to all, Happy 2011