Pussy-Town?

Seattle is an interesting place.

It's up in the corner there of the country, as far away from Miami as possible (that's good).
A pretty far piece from any other major metropolitan area (that's also good).

It has long been a place for people running away from something. It has long been associated with extremes. It has the best summers in the continental US, and the worst winters. Forbes says it is the most miserable sports city in the USA; however it is also the most educated city.

Seattle has always kicked-ass at producing music, good music. Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Jimi-freaking-Hendrix, hell, even Heart, Seattle has a pretty great track record in the world of music. But it seems lately something has changed.
Like the SuperSonics, Seattle's Rock-n-Roll-ability has disappeared to Oklahoma or some such desolate shit-hole.

The only local band that's getting any radio-play right now is a group called The Head and The Heart, and their tune "Lost In My Mind." First of all, both are really shitty names, band and song. But maybe, if the tunes are great, it could be like Mott the Hoople or "You Can't Rollerskate in a Buffalo Heard." Trust me, it ain't. This is Hootie and the Blowfish. This is "Here's a Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)."

The band and song are as good as they sound, downright low-mediocre pussy-music which basically sums up the state of Rock-n-Roll in general at this stage of its existence, but this band couldn't be worse if Kenny G were the bassist. Whatever happened to The Supersuckers or Mudhoney?

Seattle used to celebrate creative acts. Our music is now the equivalent of Superbowl XL. It's a sad state of affairs. At least in sports we're used to getting our asses kicked. We used to be good at bands. Now we are not even Portland or San Diego (anyone remember Stone Temple Pilots). Oh woe is me.

Delayed Reaction

Is it cruel to pick on George W Bush? He seems so sensible now, in light of the Palins and Bachmanns and other teabag looneys who are amazingly, disgustingly controlling our national discourse. For people who can barely read, they are a force to be reckoned with. Shouldn't they just be quietly washing our cars and removing the dog poop from our lawns and not, uhhhh making political speeches and stuff.

anyway, General W this week explained why he had such a delayed reaction when told planes were smashing into buildings all over the eastern seaboard damn near ten years ago. Talk about delayed reactions. And his reason, "I wanted to look calm." George Wiggly Bush wanted to look calm. It took ten years to come up with that? Really? Karl Rove is losing his touch. Ten fucking years to figure out, "Hmmmm. Looking calm sounds Presidential. Might just save my historical ranking." Anyway, it worked. He sure seemed calm.

This reminds me of when GWB acknowledged that the worst moment of his presidency (a presidency slapped about by terrorist attacks, the destruction of the economy, two wars, and massive attacks on civil liberties) was when Kanye said GWB didn't like black people. Really? after overseeing the death of thousands of soldiers, having to meet some of their parents, helping to bilk 9-11 first responders out of their insurance, stuff like that, your worst day is Kanye being mean to you during a Katrina telethon? Man, you're a bigger wimp than your dad.

New FPPInternational Feature: Things You Can't Say Anymore

FPPInternational now features more than just Hardcore 3-D porn. Starting today, The editors will keep you clued in as to what you absolutely may not ever say again.

The inaugural term is, "LET'S DO THIS."
Don't do it, under any circumstances.

If anyone says "Let's do this," around you, feel free to punch and/or kill that person.

Thank you,

The Editors,

FPPInternational

I Would Rather Die Than Take a Nap

Just ask Michael Jackson

Picking up features editor Dr. Dinkus Reichlin today, after his scrubbing, clipping and probing, Sports editor La FLaca Reichlin and I were entertained by a recent pharmaceutical company's spectacular new product, NuVigil.

As far as we could tell, it's supposed to keep you from feeling sleepy at 3 in the afternoon. But really, that's unclear, and even, as they put it in the ad, the pill may not do anything for sleep disorders or sleepiness, however it does ( and here FppInternational is quoting their website):

PROVIGIL will not cure these sleep disorders. PROVIGIL may help the sleepiness caused by these conditions, but it may not stop all your sleepiness. PROVIGIL does not take the place of getting enough sleep. Follow your doctor\'s advice about good sleep habits and using other treatments.

PROVIGIL is a federally controlled substance (C-IV), so use PROVIGIL only as directed and keep in a safe place to prevent misuse and abuse. It is against the law to sell or give PROVIGIL to another person.

What important information should I know about PROVIGIL?

• PROVIGIL may cause serious side effects including a serious rash or a serious allergic reaction that may affect parts of your body such as your liver or blood cells. Any of these may need to be treated in a hospital and may be life-threatening. If you develop a skin rash, hives, sores in your mouth, blisters, peeling, or yellowing of your skin or eyes, trouble swallowing or breathing, dark urine, or fever, stop taking PROVIGIL and call your doctor right away or get emergency help.
• Provigil is not approved for children for any condition. It is not known if PROVIGIL is safe or if it works in children under the age of 17.
• You should not take PROVIGIL if you have had a rash or allergic reaction to PROVIGIL or NUVIGIL^® (armodafinil) Tablets [C-IV], or are allergic to any of the following ingredients: modafinil, armodafinil, lactose monohydrate, microcrystalline cellulose, pregelatinized starch, croscarmellose sodium, povidone, and magnesium stearate.

What are possible side effects of PROVIGIL?

Stop taking PROVIGIL and call your doctor right away or get emergency help if you get any of the following serious side effects:

• Mental (psychiatric) symptoms, including: depression, feeling anxious, sensing things that are not really there, increase in activity (mania), thoughts of suicide, aggression, other mental problems.
• Symptoms of a heart problem, including: chest pain, abnormal heart beats, and trouble breathing.

Common side effects of PROVIGIL are headache, nausea, feeling nervous, stuffy nose, diarrhea, back pain, feeling anxious, trouble sleeping, dizziness, and upset stomach. These are not all the side effects of PROVIGIL. Tell your doctor if you get any side effect that bothers you or that does not go away. Talk to your doctor for medical advice about side effects.

What should I avoid while taking PROVIGIL?

• Do not drive or do other dangerous activities until you and your doctor know how PROVIGIL affects you.
• Avoid drinking alcohol.

Basically, from what we could tell, the stuff is poison. This company is like a Veronan Apothecary, happily waiting to suit your every please-kill-me-quick-at-the-family-crypt need. Who the fuck buys this stuff?

A haiku:

If ad is just list

Of side-effects, tell Rush it's

Diet Oxycontin