2012, The Series

The Republicans know a little something about manipulating the citizenry of the US of A. In April of 2011, however, there seems to be a little luster missing from the usual GOP diamond-encrusted, elephant-shaped dildo of which the American people have intimate knowledge. There's nothing to worry about for the protectors of our freedoms, defenders of our faith and keepers-the-fuck-out of our Mexican neighbors, you say? Just shine the shit on that elephant dildo and get back in gear for the 2012 follow-up to the 2010 swing to the right; the red states are ready., and the blue states will have the blues. 2012 will be a banner year for right-minded lovers of liberty, terrors of taxes, upholder of the unborn, fighters for the flag, and baggers of tea...

But wait a second, who does the right have that can run a successful campaign against the Muslim, Kenyan, yellow-bellied, smarty-pants, law-talking, college-boy socialist Barrack HUSSEIN Obama? The liberal media will not allow their golden boy to be defeated in a fair fight. The GOP needs someone magnificent and unexpected to fight the good fight.

Sarah Palin's TV show was a bust, and Mitt Romney is a robot. Where can the good people of America turn?

Reality TV of course.

Right now, as the days in spring 2011 lengthen, the good people of America are speaking, and they are shouting ... DONALD TRUMP.

Yep, Donald Trump, who, of course, is an excellent candidate for the Republican nod because he:

• Is completely full of shit.

• Has already gone bankrupt a handful of times

• Has no executive experience whatsoever

• Got everything he has from his father's success

• Knows/loves/will protect millionaires

• Has been married at least three times

• Doesn't give a shit about you

  
  

But can't we, the nation that has perfected Reality TV, come up with someone better than THE DONALD? Our Reality TV history is the greatest in the world. While most of our jobs are being sent to India, our Reality TV workers are still putting out quality product that kicks Bollywood square in the balls. Aren't there more ideal Reality TV stars we can put on the ticket? Let's look at some candidates:

MARTHA STEWART

Known for: Home and decorating and cooking and crafts and shit like that.

PROS:

• Real bitchy.

• Superiority complex.

• Did hard time for insider trading and obstruction of justice--Good old

  fashioned GOP crimes.

• Would decorate the fuck out of the White House.

• Her website is called “Martha Stewart Omni-media, as in “all over the goddamn place,” which means the wiretaps are already in place.

• People who shop at Kmart already know her name.

CONS:

• She turns 70 in 2011, and nobody likes droopy old boobies.

• She has a French Bulldog, which is A) French and B) faggy.

• She likes opera and other artsy-fartsy crap.

• Doesn't kill her own meat.

  
  

GENE SIMMONS

Known for: having a long tongue, being a mediocre bassist, putting his KISS-brand bullshit logos on everything from chewable vitamins to tampons

PROS:

• He's was in a Tom Selleck movie.

• Regrets voting for Obama.

• Spits blood.

CONS:

• Oddly enough, he's as charismatic as a generic can of corn.

• Snake-skin pants.

• He once hit on NPR's Terry Gross

• Teeth of Snakeface boots will mar hardwood floors in Oval office.

• Didn't write “Beth.”

  
  

JOAN RIVERS

KNOWN FOR: Appearing before awards shows and talking shit about rich people's clothes.

PROS:

• She looks presidential. If you combined the faces of James Monroe, Wm. Henry Harrison and Roddy McDowell (in his planet of the apes makeup) you get Joan Rivers.

CONS:

• She's older than Reagan, and I don't mean just older than Reagan when he took office.

• Like Gene Simmons, changed her name so as not to seem so Jewish.(At least her name wasn't Lieberman).

• Seems like she has no problems with gay people, nor vice versa, and that ain't bible.

• Appears to care less about being a good leader than even George W. Bush.

• Her face might explode all over the Russian president, which would be a sign of weakness.

• Has no idea how to shoot a gun.

  
  

OZZY OSBOURNE

KNOWN FOR: Biting head off bat. Drinking own pee. Snorting ants. Tattooing himself. Worshiping Satan. Ironman.

PROS:

• See Known For (above).

• Doesn't seem overly intellectual for average American.

• Probably very few skeletons in his closet

• Would not hesitate to go to war with any country for no reason.

• Doesn't worry about being 'all PC'.

• Can't be killed by poisoning.

• Owes IRS millions and might just work for free.

CONS:

• Once peed on the Alamo

• Is British, but not in a bad way like Colin Firth, in a good way like The Transporter guy.

TILA TEQUILA

KNOWN FOR: Lesbian Asian T&A

PROS:

• Manages to blend many things real American's can't stand (female, Asian, gay, foreign, rap music) into something they do like (porn).

• Will have no problem working with both sides.

• Won't raise your taxes as much as your wood.

• She's a hardworking girl who began her career in her teens.

• Cleavage.

CONS:

• None.

JERRY SPRINGER

KNOWN FOR: Jerry Springer Show. Mayoring in Cincinnati. Paying prostitute with a check.

PROS:

• Has executive experience.

• Extensive time spent sorting out the problems of average red state voters.

• Has his own security guys, won't need Secret Service

• Once hosted WWE RAW.

• Those ending monologues on his show demonstrate some real depth of character.

• Only person alive who has kicked Oprah's ass and lived to talk about it.

  
  

CONS:

• British, and not like The Transporter guy.

• Starred in “The Defender” which was directed by Dolph Lundgren, who is a communist boxer.

• Is a democrat.

So, my American brothers and sisters, I ask you, should we settle for Donald Trump when there are so many options available to us for 2012? I think it would be disastrous to limit ourselves to merely the loudest and most annoying Reality TV star with the worst hair, when there are so many better qualified self-promoters available.

Imagine the dream ticket, my fellow Americans, TEQUILA/PALIN 2012. Just imagine it, after a tough day of stumping in Tulsa, Oklahoma the candidates are forced to share a room with only one queen-sized bed 'cause the Monster trucks are at the BOK Center, and one of them calls down 'cause they need more towels, and you have to bring the towels up to the, and when you knock on the door they tell you to come in, and Sarah's only wearin' them glasses and is holding pillow case in front of her, and Tila comes out of the bathroom and she's all dripping from the shower. I tell you, it happens all the time. I've read about it. Hell, I saw the aftermath of something just like this one on Springer, it was amazing, an experience that could only be described as Presidential.

Birth of a Nation

ABC News recently reported that Donald Trump, yeah, that Donald Trump, is tied for second place in polls of potential Republican voters of whom they would like to see as their 2012 presidential candidate.

Just when you thought the right was getting a touch less touched with the removal of Glenn Beck's show from FOXNews, ABC New reports that Donald Trump is a serious Preidential hopeful, with a full 8 percent lead over the bat-shit crazy yardstick Sarah Palin, and an eleven percent lead over the CooCoo for Cocoa Puffs bird.

His entire platform seems to be, "I haven't seen Obama's birth certificate, so he's from Kenya."

Didn't we cover this a couple years ago?

I have never seen my own original fucking birth certificate, I don't think.

If I have, I doubt it had "religion" on it. Big Don's claim is that Barack Hussein Obama's original Kenyan Birth certificate says stuff like Muslim and Socialist on it, and he (President Obama) sure as shit doesn't want anyone to see that incriminating evidence of his potential malfeasance. What does The Donald's birth certificate say, Philanderer and Douche-bag?

By the way, in an effort to stick partisan politics up everyone's ass as hard as they can, the Republicans are threatening to shut down the government. Fine, you shits, shut down your half, Shut down the bullshit protection of insurance companies and HMO's; shut down the protection of corporations, the gun lobby, the oil lobby, shut down the shitbirds that want to drill for oil in national parks, shut down Leo Berman's big fucking hats government supply shop, take away John Boehner's key to the tanning bed and the liquor cabinet. Shut down all your whining cause you got beat in 2008 in an election that wasn't close enough to steal.

How can anyone take these cartoon character schmucks seriously?

Either they are repeating the most pandering, idiotic horseshit they can, in order to sway the common denominator for purely political reasons (Trump, Boehner), or they are really dumb enough to believe the crap they're spewing (Berman, Beck). Either way, stop embracing idiocy. With all the shit going on in the world in early 2011, is there anyone who just wants to focus on solving the real problems facing us.

Oh, yeah, I forgot, he's a Heathen Communist Muslim engineered in a genetics lab near Lake Baikal, then sent to Hawaii (closest state to Russia that isn't Alaska, which is patrolled by the Palin family with guns and fishing boats) to be elected president and one day destroy the USA by getting poor people access to medicine.

DIABOLICAL

A Haiku:

If persuading dolts

to believe lies was hard work,

Rush wouldn't be so fat.

Nihon

So, a little over a week ago, while moving northern Japan eight feet closer to North America, a grumbling bit of sub-oceanic plate rubbing moved Muammar al-Gaddafi off the front page of the world's newspapers. It also raised all hell in Japan, center of FPPInternational operations from July 2003-July 2004

FppInternational has not been delinquent in reporting the facts to the world, just without wise-guy stupid jerk comments. The coffers are still depleted.

It just makes me wonder if the Japanese can catch a break.

For all their goofy Xenophobic, traditional, shoe-removing, male-only-adoration, Hello-Kitty cuteness, porn-comic weirdness, they're pretty nice people, in general. Just like anywhere else.

And, in the last sixty-five years, they have had two atom bombs dropped on 'em, and are now suffering from the nuclear-fallout of a giant industrial accident spawned by an earthquake.

Could this be much worse?

Eventually, the Japanese will be fine. They are resilient folks. SUPER-resilient folks. And they will be thriving in a short time, far shorter than Haiti has had. The editorial staff at FPPInternational is just worried that Kim Jung-un will use the re-establishment of a powerful Japan as a reason to sent a missile into Nagoya.

Ganbatte, Japan! The world is with you.

Colombian Rock Guy

Although Barranquillera Shakira is known on Attu Island, there is very little else in the way of Colombian Rock-n-Roll groups worth mentioning, right?

Well, for the most part, right; however, Colombia has done pretty well in blending togther some different types of music together, and as a result, can claim some of the biggest names in Latin pop music. For example, Carlos Vives and Juanes, two dudes who've kinda become famous world-wide (well, mundial, anyway) for being rock stars.

"Who gives a shit, and what the hell does this have to do with FPPInternational," you ask? Well no-one, I suppose, and, plenty, since the editorial staff recently took in the local Juanes concert, at the WAMU theater in Seattle, which just happened to be the kick-off show for his North American tour.

Along with rockin' out, Dinky got some pechichon and ran along some docks, and La Flaca sliced the skin off an apple.

ciao for now.

FPPInternational

The Land of the Free and Home of the Brave

Oh Beautiful for spacious skies

A few things happening in the world right now. Seems that, fed on the success of popular uprisings in Egypt and Tunisia, Libyan people have taken it upon themselves to create a government "of the people." This being said, the task has proven to be a slightly arduous one, given that part of the process involves overthrowing a tyrant with the keys to the room where all the flame-throwers are stored. Our old pal Moammar has proven to be less of a push-over than his Egyptian counterpart Hosni.

I personally thought Hosni was an idiot for waiting around as long as he did, when he could have just said, "Oh, Yeah, You Jackasses? Well, I'm going to New York to the UN and just see about all this bullshit!" and then, filled his pillowcases with cash and gold and King Tut treasures and diamonds and cans of extra-fancy white albacore tuna fish, and said, "I'll be right back, then I'll kick your ass!" and never ever returned and lived out his remaining years in wealth and prosperity in some place like the Bahamas, next door to Shakira, watching her shake her ass while he pretends to water his azalea bushes.

I don't think anyone, not you, not me, not Hosni, not Hillary, not the folks in Lybia, thought Moammar would leave quite so easily. Yet, the Libyan boys and girls are giving it a go. And this is serious shit. This is getting-blown-up serious. People in Libya are risking everything to stand up for establish some rights for common Joes. It is beyond admirable. It's heroic.

Meanwhile, here in the land of All-you-can-eat lunch buffets, we have the this:

Seems kinda like the opposite of what's going on all over the southern coast of the Mediterranean right now. Another douche-bag leader, maybe not as monstrous and Moammar, but still a complete tool, doing his best to remove rights from the citizenry, while empowering the corporate rich. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is right now removing the rights of his constituents, and the Wii-playing citizenry of "the land of the free" does nary a goddamn thing.

Middle-class working folks in Wisconsin are having their rights taken away and there will be no general upheaval in this country, because some idiot like Rush Limbaugh will use the word 'communists' or 'socialists' and Wisconsin dem.'s will be afraid of losing votes and will allow this shit to happen.

A HAIKU:

It's sad that we are

too lazy to give a shit

while in a desert...

Wisconsin, get yerselves a new governor, pronto!

Season of the Sales Pitch

My computer and TV are always inundated with movie ads, as I am sure, yours are as well. Sometimes I go to the movies as a result, and sometimes, I go to the movies without really knowing what I want to see. Then I buy a ticket and watch a movie. A while ago La Flaca and I went and saw Harry Potter 7. In the lobby of the theater was a poster of Nicolas Cage's latest release, Season of the Witch.

I had to stand next to this bigger than life thing while we were waiting to go see the little magic bastard. Anyway, I had a couple thoughts:

1. That can't possibly be Nick Cage's hair.

He's as bald as I am by now, I am sure.

and

2. They MUST STOP NAMING NICOLAS CAGE MOVIES.

Instead, all Nick cage movies must be numbered. For example, instead of going to see Disney's Sorcerer's Apprentice, you would throw your ten bucks down to see Disney's Nicolas Cage film 27. The movies must be numbered from the date of him winning his Leaving Las Vegas Oscar. with only five exceptions:

Astro Boy

G-Force

The Ant Bully

A Christmas Carol and

Adaptation

Since those movies are A) four cartoons, which don't hinge on Nicolas Cage's name being before the title, and B) actually one good movie.

Think of how many people would be saved.

Imagine going to see a movie this holiday season and having no idea what's playing,

"How about Season of the Witch?" your friend asks.

You hum the Donovan song. "OK," you say.

Then you go in the theater; it gets dark. The music starts, and Nicolas Cage's face fills the screen.

"Goddamnit!" At least ten bucks in the old shitter.

I think the Motion Picture Association of America has a much more considerable responsibility than keeping ten-year-old's from seeing nipples. They have the charge of preventing unassuming patrons from mistakenly seeing Nicolas Cage movies. NC17 the hell out of whatever you want, but please, please MPAA, put Nick Cage's name on any movie he stars in from now on. Think of the children.

MMXI, Year of the "Are you shitting me?"

A year ago, I began the decade being bitten on my ass, and that's bad. This year, the bite was in a slightly more tender location.

Disolve to six months ago

FPP celebrates birthday 40. Which is good, as FPP has never been one to cherish the age of ignorance and stupidity. He is, however one who believes, in his psuedo-conscious, that as he gets older, he'll stop doing stupid stuff. FPP is often wrong, and slightly delusional. But anyway, not too worried about becoming an older guy.

So, first thing, on the morning of January 1, 2011, FPP is in line at the West Seattle Safeway, buying a couple bottles of relatively cheap champagne for Mimosas for the Weatherpeople's annual 1/1 recovery brunch. FPP finds the shortest Safeway checkout line and approaches, the woman who is there, putting her groceries on the conveyor-belt-thing, looks up at FPP and says, "Hurry, put them here, put them down." FPP does nothing, but looks kinda confused. Is she gonna pay for his sparkling wine? FPP looks dumb. "Oh, sorry," woman says, "I thought you were my father."

OK. Hold on. This girl could have been 18 or 21, you're saying, making a 40-year-old FPP a possible father, right?

BULLSHIT. She was at least 40, and when the father finally appeared (by this time FPP was in the neighboring line, having no desire to hear any fucking explanations), the guy was like 80. GODDAMIT, really? That guy?

Anyway, another year starts with another bite in the ass, only this time, no trip to the emergency room was required. I'd love to go on, but I have to change my fucking diapers.

Kisses to all, Happy 2011

Not Dead Yet

Although nothing has been recently published to the contrary, you can rest assured, gentle reader, that the staff at FPPInternational didn't all die in a horrific grease fire, nor were they exterminated when innocently driving past an exploding meth-lab/trailer in Waterville. All in all, things are fine in Washington/Fpplandia, albeit a tad boring, which will possibly explain the lack of recent updates.
But still, stuff has been going on.

For example...
Team FPPInternational climbed up come rocks.


Team FPPInternational recently took in some local culture.


Team FPPInternational recently eulogized the death of a dirty, messy old pal.


All in all, life is slow, too damn slow, but not terminated. So stop yer worrying. Things'll get exciting soon, as they always do in this part of the world, when the rains set in.

Summer Sports Poll

Lotsa sports action this summer: the latest being super-juiced A-Rod getting plunked on the pinkies, instead of hitting homerun 600.

Which leads me to the sports question:

Who's the biggest douchebag in sports this summer? Feel Free to vote for your fave.


The contestants are...
1. King "me me me me" James


2. Tiger "$700,000,000.00 is a lot to pay for some skanky strange" Woods

and...
3. Now replacing OJ Simpson as sport's least favorite Juiced star, A-Rod.

Washington Summer: Hike and Brats

The continuing adventures of a Washington State summer 2010 have now evolved to include the annual Bastardes Amores hiking trip, which in the past has featured grilled legs, bee-sting attacks, frozen alpine landscapes, and a Hoh River Rumble.



This year however, in an attempt to free ourselves (our fat-assed-middle-aged-selves, that is) from the constraints of traveling on single track hiking paths, opted to make a first ever Bastardes Amores canoe trip up Ross Lake, from where escape into Canada is not only possible, but encouraged.

The canoe trip was a complete success with not one craft flipping nor sinking in the lake, and not one elderly shoulder exploding after three days of paddling.



An ascent to the top of Desolation Peak was also on the menu and middle-aged, fat-assed quadriceps proved adequate, if not optimal for the elevation gain.

No liquidy-chilly deaths recorded, the Bastardes make the trip back home, where BQ-pal and Texas-Adventure-Tourer CDveston was waiting on his big BMW.

A stop in Deutsch-themed small-town Washington hamlet Leavenworth was made for Brats and Biers, after learning about Sir Thomas Crappers massive contributions to Seattle's early days.


After gullets were filled with fine German fare, the drive continued, reuniting LaFlaca with her Dinky and all was right with the universe again. Smooth sailing.

Welcome to the NW

Three weeks late, but aged to perfection...

For the first time, FPPInternational wishes all its readers greetings from the final stop of the trip, Seattle, WA.



Things thusfar, oddly enough, have been relatively slow. Although trips have been made all over the state, nothing of major importance has occurred. Such is the nature of vacation time, one could suppose. The dedicated journalists at FPPInternational, however, know that the truth never takes a holiday.

Upon arrival in the Emerald City, FppPals Ross and Sarah threw a BBQ for the newly arrived Colombian contingency, replete with ribs, wienies, children and dogs.



On the telecommunications front, FPPInternational has finally entered the last millennium, having purchased a DroidPhone, which does more by nine o'clock AM than anyone else in the organization does all damn day. As a matter of fact, DroidPhone is responsible for editing this post.
So, plans are being made, futures organized and fates unified. So, until more photos are taken, keep your ears clean, wear a jacket and look both ways before crossing the road.
Ciao for Now!
FPP

The Bottom-Right-Hand Corner

Ah, Miami....

When you're there for only a day and your dog pees in an art gallery, life seems sweeter than a box of Dots at the movies.

Pals Chris and Roxy met us at the Renta-car joint and gave us a tour through the city over/down there (or up there for you BQers). Things were smooth and the whole team had a rockin good time.

Immigration was a breeze; Dinky was the first piece of luggage off the plane, and the rental car was spacious. USA-living starts out smooth. And for the first time, Miami was a fun place to be. Thanks Chris and Rox!

Adios

For the first time since its messy birth, the idiot savant (mostly idiot) news-child FppInternational will no longer be headquartered in the port of gold, BQ.
So Long, Colombia.


The days of FppInternational have technically ended. FppInternational will now be known as FppNW and will replace Rum with Coffee, Palm Trees with Pines, Beach trips with hikes, and Salsa with Grunge. That's right, damas y caballeros, FppIncorporated is moving to Seattle. At this moment, as I type, the entire editorial staff of FppInternational is safely contained in the fuselage of a jumbo-jet zipping in a NW direction, although features editor Dr. Dinkus Reichlin, PhD created some problems at MIA.



Thanks to Alaska Air, and its free in-air wifi, the entire staff is able to maintain the highest standard of reporting known in the world of the fourth estate...
and...
Curses to Alaska Air, for overselling the plane, and not giving us seats until I explained that features editor Dr. Dinkus was already squirreled in the belly of the great aluminum beast, Editor-in-Chief Fpp informing gate-guy, "I don't care if I have to fly that fucking thing, we're getting on that plane." ...
and...
Kudos to Alaska Air gate-guy for not reporting that comment to MIA airpor- guys with tazers.

The details of this trip have been, and continue to be multi-faceted and aggravating, but finally, the end is in sight, and,so, sadly enough, is the BP (Belligerent Pricks) oil spill out the left-hand side windows.

To make a long long story bloggable, more on the events of the past two months will be reported from the safety of the ground, but for the time being, Adios, Colombia. TQM.

Nothing

There is nothing funny about this.


Nothing.

The Sensitve Men in Colombia

Colombia, and more specifically BQ, is filled with sensitive men. By this I do not mean Phil Donahue types. I mean men who take stupid things personally. My wife understands them. I do not. A little story, complete with dialogue...

Every morning, before the sun comes up if I have work, I walk Dinky. To walk Dinky requires: a ride downstairs in the elevator, leaving the building, walking Dinky, picking up some poo, walking some more, returning to the building, being let in, riding up in the elevator, and finally re-entering the apartment. My building has three doormen who work shifts and alternate the night/early morning shift every day. Their names are Davison, Nargel, and Antonio. Antonio is the only one with a normal name. He is, however, not a normal person. He is a 56 year old Costeno Sensitive Man.

On the mornings when Antonio is on duty, without fail, I have to wait to be let in, because he is doing something, also, without fail, there is a blue liquid floor cleaner in pools on the floor from the door into the elevator. Elevators are small, confined spaces. So, a week ago or so, I asked Antonio if he could please wait, as a favor to me, to pour that stuff in the elevator until I have gone upstairs with Dinky, cause Dinky sits in it and tries to eat it, and in the confines of a small room like an elevator, it's hard to control. He seemed to have a hard time understanding what I was saying. So, I restated, could you please wait five minutes to spray that stuff in the elevator, because Dinky thinks its a melted blue-raspberry snowcone.

Good, I thought. Problem solved.

This morning, I was walking Dinky as usual, and when we returned, there was Antonio, who told me, "I spoke to the administrator of the building, and I am supposed to clean the elevator."

"Yeah,"I said. "I'm sure you are. I would just like you to wait five minutes to dump that stuff in the 'vator."

So he leaves and gets the stuff, the blue stuff, in a big plastic milk carton with the word floor cleaner written on it with a sharpie. "It's for the elevator, too." he said.

"I'm not asking you not to clean the elevator. Just to wait five minutes until I am upstairs to pour this stuff on the floor of the thing."

"Sometimes you're gone more than five minutes."

"Ok. ten minutes. Could you please wait ten minutes to pour that stuff on the floor."

"The administrator wants me to clean the elevator."

"You could spend the ten minutes mopping up the rest of the blue stuff and then spray it in the elevator after I go up with my dog." Antonio was starting to get teary-eyed, and confused. "I am the only person up at that time, and it would be nice to not ride in the elevator with my dog with pools of blue stuff."

"The administrator said I'm to clean the elevator. Snifle."

Now I am no longer entertained at all. "I'M ASKING YOU, AS A FAVOR, LIKE A PERSON, LIKE A HUMAN BEING, TO PLEASE WAIT UNTIL I AM UPSTAIRS, THAT'S ALL. I AM THE ONLY PERSON IN THE BUILDING AT THAT TIME WHO IS USING THE ELEVATOR. PLEASE."

snifle

"HOW OLD ARE YOU?"

"Me? My age? I'm fifty-six."

"Ok. please. You are a man. I am just asking you a favor. Please. One man to another. Please. If your bathroom there was broken and you needed to use one and you asked me to use mine, I wouldn't have to make sure it was OK with the administrator, I would say, 'Of course, Antonio, I would be happy to do you a favor."

"Sometimes you are gone more than five minutes."

"YOU ARE A FREAK!" I stormed out of the lobby, with my dog.
I told my wife immediately, and she said, "He thinks you're criticizing him, and he's taking it personally."

"Well now I am criticizing him, for being an idiot."

And now I must clean the blue spots off my dog's ass.
ciao for now.
FppInternational

News Haikus 22, BP Spill. The Electric Car

Can someone please create a reasonable electric car soon?


Exxon still hasn't paid up for the Valdez spill. BP is proving to be BiggerPricks than even Exxon. Dick Cheney shoots old men in the face. Daniel Day Lewis was fucking scary at the end of that movie, in the bowling alley. George W. Bush. Can't we all just agree that if you're into oil you are in the top .0001% of super-cocksuckers who should be killed by an overdose of hot sauce in the lungs. It's 2010, cars should fucking fly, let alone be powered by something other than caveman technology (uhhhh, I don' know, burn shit.). Everyone from Sarah Palin to that fat fuck Rush Limbaugh to George Bush to King Abdullah and the terrorists his country supports to anyone who says global warming isn't real (that mankind has no impact on the earth's climate) to the presidents of BP, and of Exxon to Hugo Chavez to Putin to etc etc etc.....
You lying, manipulative assholes, FUCK YOU!
A HAIKU
Oil Oil Oil Oil Oil
If you profited from it
Drown in it in hell

The Worst. The worst worst worst worst worst.

Jireh Travel in BQ, and more specifically Jaime Ariza, are/is the worst travel agents in Barranquilla and probably Colombia, and maybe even the world.
I am not joking.
The worst. Agggghhhh!
I don't have the vocabulary to explain how bad this idiot/team of idiots is.
HULK SMASH.

NEVER USE THIS TRAVEL AGENT!

NEVER.

When the revolution goes down and the streets are pooling blood and Jireh Travel has the last ticket out of the warzone, get a camel or a bicycle or a Yaak or some waterwings or a good pair of shoes.
Jaime Ariza is a liar. A lying liar. A lying troll of a liar. He's incompetent and smelly, and I hope he eats something that turns his insides out.
Really.
Right now I hate nobody more than I hate this guy. I have been complaining about him to the school where I work (their official agent) for four years now. I want him drawn, quartered, flayed, buggered, and dipped in sweet and sour sauce.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH.

my wife now hates him too.
And she has to go pick up the tickets from him, because if I go down there, it'll get ugly. Eleanor Roosevelt ugly. Dutchess Margaret of Tyrol ugly. Gheorghe Muresan ugly. ugly.
Travel plans are coming along.

BTW. aren't travel agents all now officially obsolete?

Spring 2010 - L'Ultima Beach Trip

As time winds down, bags get organized, tickets get purchased, junk gets aligned, furniture gets sold, trips to the beach lose their preeminence, and probably shall not be descried again in these latitudes for a fair bit o time.



So, once more unto the beach, dear friends, once more, or close the wall up with our Gringo dead... dog in tow.

Although it really hasn't made any serious impact on anyone yet, the idea of no longer being able to travel for fifteen minutes to play in the sand and surf any day of the year, is a little disheartening.



I am sure there will plenty of opportunity to sunbathe in January where we are going.

News Haikus 21, Rock of Brain Damage

Who woulda thunk that CC Deville would NOT have been the first member of poison with bon-a-fide brain damage?
Well, honestly, we don't know that that's not the case, we only know that right now, Bret Michaels is all brain-damaged up, which is too bad if you are his mother or ... ... ... insert cricket noise ... ... ...

Honestly, I have nothing about Bret Michaels. I really couldn't care less. But, as a bald sommbitch, his whole bandana thing is a little tired. Does he shower with the fucking thing? Even Micheal Stipe gave up the ball-caps for a smooth scalp (of course he started wearing dresses and stuff immediately after that).
Anyway, although this is apropos of absolutely nothing preceding it, my pal Chili and I once decided, beyond the shadow of a reasonable doubt, that EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN is the worst song ever recorded in English. and so, Bret Michaels having brain damage is really not news worthy.

So, sorry reality TV, sorry other guys in Poison, sorry CC Deville, your muse is now wondering how to get that pesky square peg in that round hole. Are you really surprised?

Haiku...
Damn glam rock suckers
Who will defend our spandex
rights at old folks home?

News Haikus 20. The Damned Swiss Again

I know it's been a while, but I have been preoccupied with repairing the damage of the damned Swiss.

Just when I thought it was safe to be a Swiss-American, Ben Roethlisberger goes and molests a woman, again.
Damn it, Ben, some of us are still living with the stigma of the Grimm-Hoffmann Affair, WWII Nazi banking, fruity panted dudes guarding the Pope's digs, and Renee Zelleweger.


Now we got this jackass to deal with. I tell, ya, folks, the Germans, Japanese, Americans, and French got it easy. This joker's antics have made the Swiss the most hated people on earth. Thank God we've still got those little red knives everyone needs.

By the way, speaking of the Pope guys, as soon as I'm not employed by the Catholics, it's time for a papal/boy haiku.


Now give the Seahawks their 2006 superbowl rings, goddammit.

HAIKU...
Big Ben, a true gem,
Has been getting fan mail and
Thank you's from Kobe.