I Would Rather Die Than Take a Nap

Just ask Michael Jackson

Picking up features editor Dr. Dinkus Reichlin today, after his scrubbing, clipping and probing, Sports editor La FLaca Reichlin and I were entertained by a recent pharmaceutical company's spectacular new product, NuVigil.

As far as we could tell, it's supposed to keep you from feeling sleepy at 3 in the afternoon. But really, that's unclear, and even, as they put it in the ad, the pill may not do anything for sleep disorders or sleepiness, however it does ( and here FppInternational is quoting their website):

PROVIGIL will not cure these sleep disorders. PROVIGIL may help the sleepiness caused by these conditions, but it may not stop all your sleepiness. PROVIGIL does not take the place of getting enough sleep. Follow your doctor\'s advice about good sleep habits and using other treatments.

PROVIGIL is a federally controlled substance (C-IV), so use PROVIGIL only as directed and keep in a safe place to prevent misuse and abuse. It is against the law to sell or give PROVIGIL to another person.

What important information should I know about PROVIGIL?

• PROVIGIL may cause serious side effects including a serious rash or a serious allergic reaction that may affect parts of your body such as your liver or blood cells. Any of these may need to be treated in a hospital and may be life-threatening. If you develop a skin rash, hives, sores in your mouth, blisters, peeling, or yellowing of your skin or eyes, trouble swallowing or breathing, dark urine, or fever, stop taking PROVIGIL and call your doctor right away or get emergency help.
• Provigil is not approved for children for any condition. It is not known if PROVIGIL is safe or if it works in children under the age of 17.
• You should not take PROVIGIL if you have had a rash or allergic reaction to PROVIGIL or NUVIGIL^® (armodafinil) Tablets [C-IV], or are allergic to any of the following ingredients: modafinil, armodafinil, lactose monohydrate, microcrystalline cellulose, pregelatinized starch, croscarmellose sodium, povidone, and magnesium stearate.

What are possible side effects of PROVIGIL?

Stop taking PROVIGIL and call your doctor right away or get emergency help if you get any of the following serious side effects:

• Mental (psychiatric) symptoms, including: depression, feeling anxious, sensing things that are not really there, increase in activity (mania), thoughts of suicide, aggression, other mental problems.
• Symptoms of a heart problem, including: chest pain, abnormal heart beats, and trouble breathing.

Common side effects of PROVIGIL are headache, nausea, feeling nervous, stuffy nose, diarrhea, back pain, feeling anxious, trouble sleeping, dizziness, and upset stomach. These are not all the side effects of PROVIGIL. Tell your doctor if you get any side effect that bothers you or that does not go away. Talk to your doctor for medical advice about side effects.

What should I avoid while taking PROVIGIL?

• Do not drive or do other dangerous activities until you and your doctor know how PROVIGIL affects you.
• Avoid drinking alcohol.

Basically, from what we could tell, the stuff is poison. This company is like a Veronan Apothecary, happily waiting to suit your every please-kill-me-quick-at-the-family-crypt need. Who the fuck buys this stuff?

A haiku:

If ad is just list

Of side-effects, tell Rush it's

Diet Oxycontin