Jamaica I. The Reason for the Season.

All right, crackers (and others), we just got our pretty little selves back from Jamaica, which is an island somewhere in the south pacific. It is where Renoir went to paint Polynesians during his Blue period, which is the period immediately before sudden death.



We went there to ride the trail of Lewis and Clark and also to see Brad and Sarah get themselves hitched. Although no one in our party speaks fluent Jamaican, we are relatively sure the wedding really went down. Which is nice, 'cause now they can have sex and kids, and buy a noisy damned dog.

Anyway, Negril was the destination, Brad and Sarah the invitation, their nuptials the occasion, and being all Jamaica-y mellow and throwing around Respect fistpumps the justification.



The management and staff here at FPPInternational would like that extend a big 'ole thanks to brad and sarah for the invite and a bigger 'oler congrats to their sealing of the deal.
many happy returns.

more jamaican adventures to come.

ciao for now.

The Last Chiva

Chiva season has finally ended, and the gringoes, knowing nothing more than how to follow directions, embarked on yet another adventure in the night on a bus with some rum after a soiree uhhhh prepositional phrase #6.



I love chivas. It is so easy to blog a chiva. bus riding with drunk people all over town, dancing. beer. rum. cheap street food. strange goings on. fun stuff.

At one point Leslie borrowed my camera and took better pictures with it than I have ever taken, which makes me feel more inadequate than usual, and that's saying something.

News Haikus 16, Il's Science Experiment

It seems our Korean pal Kim Jung Il has been playing with his science set in the basement, blowing shit up.

From the NY Times

North Korean Nuclear Claim Draws Global Criticism

SEOUL, South Korea — News of North Korea's nuclear test on Monday drew condemnation and criticism around the world, with some governments threatening to press for tighter sanctions at a special meeting of the United Nations Security Council scheduled for later in the afternoon.
...
Hours after the latest test, the North test-fired three short-range, surface-to-air missiles, an official at the South Korean defense ministry said. The three missiles were launched toward the sea between North Korea and Japan and had a range of 80 miles, the official said, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss the matter with the media. They were fired from two bases not far from the nuclear test site in northeast North Korea, he said.

Haiku:
Japanese folks must
wonder when someone else will
finally get nuked

Swine Flu Pandemic? News Haikus 15

Having nothing of serious note to report, the trusted information disseminators at the major news networks have decided to bring up the bird flu again, and COMPARE it to the swine flu. If people stop panicking over something stupid. Make it more stupid. Just keep the dumb bastards scared. I am starting to think that whoever-it-is that manufactures those cool paper masks that people in China and Michael Jackson wear has some major-league lobbying power.

From ABC News....

Swine Flu vs. Bird Flu: Which Is the Greater Pandemic Threat?

As health officials around the globe continue to monitor the swine flu outbreaks that have occurred within the past month, comparisons with the periodic bird flu outbreaks over the past decade are difficult to avoid. Seems that some sorta cage match is called for, if you ask me.

Haiku:

When more folks have swine
flu than arena football
season tick's, panic!

THe Dinky Cronicles II, Bath Day

My wife now has everything she's ever dreamed of.
1. Nice Pad
2. Perfect Husband
3. World Peace
4. Well Mannered Puppy



Wait. My wife has one of those things. Our apartment is nice.
I think on day one, a week ago, she thought she was halfway there (having abandoned any hope for numbers 2 and 3). I am sure that now, even she, the patient, puppy-loving softy that she is, has come to consider cane-cide. Dr. Dinkus is truly an asshole.

There is nothing so relaxing on a Saturday morning as waking up at six thirty to a crying bedpost-biting dog, walking through a maze of five urine puddles and two poop-bombs in order to clean up the puddles and bombs with news-paper and then mop the floor, all while being bitten on the ankles by the one responsible for the poop and pee, which is being cleaned up. Then the mop is attacked. Then the ankles again. His little itty-bitty teeth sure are cute.



Ah, domestic bliss.

Retribution came in the form of giving Dinky his first bath, which, of course, he did not enjoy.

Domestication

I guess 2009 is the year I really, finally, completely moved on from College-aged Fpp.
Getting married was the first step, I guess. I brought the second step home yesterday morning, Mother's day, actually. Making La Flaca a mother, of sorts.

This is Dr. Dinkus Reichlin, PhD.



Bring on the kids and mortgage. Drive the nails in the coffin, anyone.

The Worker's Celebrate. Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum

Colombia, like many other countries, celebrates the day of the working man (or woman) on May 1. And is there, really, any better way to demonstrate our solidarity with the plight of the world's workers than by dressing up as pirates, boarding an old sailing ship, drinking rum and mooning a Scientologist cruise ship?



The answer, obviously, is hell no! So we did just that. The entire Colombian community of gringoes appeared from parts as distant as Bogota, Bucaramanga, San Diego, and Santa Marta, nearly all in some goofy get-up. The editors of this fine instrument of reportage did their damnedest as well, although somewhat stretching the modern interpretation of "pirate," I think.



When the timer on the scoreboard finally sounded the end of the fourth quarter, the game had been won, and won handily, by team gringo. Most people made it back to beds. Daybreak met the unshaven, unruly, unkempt crew too early, but riders were arranged and people made it home okay, although it had begun to rain. So the dry season is over in BQ. Let the arroyo assault begin anew.

Feliz day of the Trabajador, amigos.
FPPInternational

NEWS HAIKUS #14, DIAL C FOR CRAIGSLIST

From The Seattle Times

Arrest over Craigslist sex-and-death ad

A Craigslist ad seeking a woman willing to have sex and be killed led police to arrest a Kent man when he showed up at a hotel with a length of chain and a knife.

I have always found Craigslist low-tech approach kinda creepy, like a really cheap porn magazine. Reading the article, the detail that I liked the most was that the ad was found in an area called "Casual Encounters." Wow. What the hell kinda requests do people post in "Intense Encounters?" Haiku:

Poor John Wayne Gacy,
You wore that clown suit thirty
years pre - internet.

Bogota Dreams 2

Ok, ten days have passed since the editors at NewsCorp returned to the sunny environs of BQ from the rain-soaked chill of The Capital.



There is very little to note other than the frequency and diversity of diversions engaged-in by the editors. A couple nice moments: (1) Hailing a cab in The Candelaria, in an attempt to go bowling. When CDVeston explained where the bowling alley was, in what part of town, the cabdriver replied, "I won't take my car down there at night." Hmmmmmm, is bowling really necessary? Nonetheless, we bowled, CDVeston besting yours truly for the high score. (In defense of my less-than-stellar performance, I must inform that the floor was just too sticky, and my shoes really really smelled bad).



So bowling, great. Also, (2) the food we had at the bowling alley merits comment. It was a giant platter covered with grilled beef and chicken, french fries, boiled little round potatoes, patacones, popcorn, and, underneath it all, we were to discover, lettuce. It wasn't too bad, as long as one didn't eat the beef. Plus, for me anyway, there's something a tad grungy about eating food while periodically sticking three of one's fingers in holes (in this case the thumb is a finger) that were drilled into a green Lucite (or whatever) sphere some forty years ago, holes that have had more fingers in them than Madonna, in a part of town where cabdrivers refuse to go and where hairy-bellied transvestite prostitutes ply their trade in miniskirts while it coldly drizzles rain onto the dirty street. No-one brought handy-wipes.



We also went bike riding. And hit some museums. You know, tourist stuff.

NEWS HAIKUS LUCKY #13, SOMALI PIRATES

The only thing on the news that has nothing to do with the Global economic meltdown.

Somali pirates seize another boat from BBC NEWS

Somali pirates have hijacked a tugboat in the Gulf of Aden with 16 crew members on board - 10 of them Italians.

Maritime industry sources say the tug was towing two barges at the time of the attack at 0800 GMT. The crew are said to be unharmed.

When will Chuck Norris
Finally release his "Chuck
Fights the Pirates" film?

Bogota Dreams 1

For spring break, the editors of FppInternational made a pilgrimage to the capital city. The mountain holdout was invaded by a plethora of BQers past and present and the spirit of the Port of Gold was delivered into the storied crumbling majesty of the Candelaria.



Although the trip started with a massive whimper, the fun out of the sun overtook the disaster of the diplomats and all went, eventually, well.
Museums were visitied, and parks and famous site stuff and churches and Dunkin Doughnuts and a nutty meat palace.



All in all, the trip was a rocking great beginning to the most recent April, And the Editors at FppInternational have become converts to the pleasures of cold, rainy weather. More to come.

Fpp

News Haikus #12, The Final Frontier, Space Dormrooms

Seems that finally we are preparing some really cool future stuff.
Mapping the Human Genome. BFD.
Finding alternative fuels. Ho fucking Hum.
A possible cure for cancer. Pass the potatoes.
Getting ready to send people to Mars for some stupid-assed reason. Yeah, baby!

From the NY Times

Staying Put on Earth, Taking a Step to Mars

By MICHAEL SCHWIRTZ

Published: March 30, 2009

MOSCOW — On Tuesday, six people will be voluntarily locked into a cloister of cramped, hermetically sealed tubes woven inside a Moscow research facility the size of a high school gymnasium. They will eat dehydrated food, breathe recycled air and be denied conversation with practically everyone else but one another.

Let's see goofy space
dudes kill each other off. Ah,
living in isolation

Pink......................Slip. Pink...............Slip. Pink .....Slip. Pink Slip.

Grover selling apples on the street for 5 cents.

To hell with GM, Bear Stearns, and Lehman Bros. The global economic crisis has finally hit us all where we live. The folks that taught us all to count to twenty in Spanish are feeling the crunch.

From the Chicago Sun-Times:

Recession forcing layoffs at Sesame Workshop

March 12, 2009

BY ASSOCIATED PRESS

NEW YORK---- The crisis on Wall Street is plaguing Sesame Street. Sesame Workshop, the nonprofit producer of "Sesame Street" and other kids' programs, is cutting about one-fifth of its work force because of the economic downturn.

The New York-based company said Wednesday that it's eliminating 67 of 355 staff positions.

Declaring it is "not immune to the unprecedented challenges of today's economic environment," the company pronounced a need "to operate with fewer resources in order to achieve our strategic priorities."

Haiku:
No marketable
skills, Grover's dealing powdered
sugar like it's smack.

Two questions:
1. What kind of fucking language is "...to achieve our strategic priorities" for sesame street?
2. Which Muppet will make the most money as a crack-addled prostitute?

News Haikus #8, & #9, Earth Crap & bonus, More Space Crap

Big news of the day, from the New York Times,

Madoff Goes to Jail After Guilty Pleas to All Charges

When Bernard L. Maddoff entered a federal courtroom in Manhattan on Thursday to admit that he ran a vast Ponzi scheme that robbed thousands of investors of their life savings, he was as elegantly dressed as ever. But, preparing for jail, he wore no wedding ring — only the shadowy imprint remained of one he has worn for nearly 50 years.
Make an exception.
Let broke investors take turns.
Kill by paper cuts.

By the way, it seems Gordon Gecko was wrong, greed don't seem so good anymore.

bonus...

From National Geographic News.

Seems that the folks aboard in ISS (international space station) had to evacuate in order to avoid some space junk about half and inch in diameter, which, traveling at 25,000 miles per hour or so, would make a pretty mess.Space Station Evacuated Due to "Red" Debris Threat

Anne Minard for National Geographic News

March 12, 2009

International Space Station crew members put the station on autopilot and evacuated to a space "life raft" briefly on Thursday to escape bombardment by a shower of debris.

In the end, the debris passed the space station without incident. But the evacuation provided a rare test of one of the plans to get the crew to safety if the station is struck.

Imagine, billions
gone if a coconut-size
thing happened along.

News Haikus # 7, Good Old Rush, Spreading the Word

Limbaugh Misquotes Constitution During CPAC Speech

from the Huffington Post


During his much-discussed keynote address at the Conservative Political Action Conference on Saturday, Rush Limbaugh accused Barack Obama of pursuing the "bastardization of the U.S. Constitution."

It was one of the more politically acidic notes in a speech defined by rambling political assaults. But the conservative talk show host wasn't exactly standing on firm footing. Just a few moments earlier he himself had actually -- not theoretically -- "bastardized" the Constitution by confusing it with the Declaration of Independence.

Rush, if the pills can
impede your heart attack, switch
to beer, you fat fuck.

Movie Fun

First of all, let me begin this post by mentioning that I do not even remember the movie the editors at NewsCorp went to this weekend. Something with Wolverine in it, I think. Anyway, the movie was not the coolest thing in the movies. As is frequently the case, the main attraction at "Blah Blah Blah" starring Wolverine without any steel claws extruding from the backs of his hands, was not the film itself, but the depth of weirdness that one can experience in a typical BQ theater.

We bought our tickets--after some line-cutting hy-jinks by the locals--and went to get some seats. I bought the Popcorn while LaFlaca went to save the seats, a move which wasn't necessary as we were two of literally five people in the joint, and I came in after the trailers had already begun.

So, fifteen minutes into the movie, two more people came in, and sat right in front of us, exactly, boom, bing, bang, right in front of us, in a fully empty theater. Ok, stadium seating, good angle, no hats, no turbans. No problem.

So, fifteen minutes later, Ewan McGregor is having sex or something--on screen--and a small family comes in and sits, I shit you not, immediately behind us, immediately, boosh, bish, bash, right behind us. Ok, no problem. Not too loud let, but here they are.

So, I'm watching the sex scenes in my little Hollywood blockbuster. Then, once there is no more nudity, I turn to my beautiful wife to whisper something dramatic and romantic, and POW, PING PANG the filthy sonofabitch sitting behind us has his grimey Goddamn naked feet on the top of her seat-back, touching her miscellaneous hairs. UGH. I don't know the correct word to type here. Fucking Disgusting.


So, I move my little family to other seats (telling the guy how disgusting he is during the move, to which he was completely disinterested)
Luckily for me, the movie wasn't Cassablanca, as I spent the rest of it staring daggers at this disgusting pig. That's when I noticed that he didn't have an arm, at least not an arm facing us. Then I felt bad. Wow, maybe this dude has no arms, And I just called him an uneducated, disgusting pig for putting his stinking feet on my wife's head. Maybe that's all he could do to keep the digits he eats with off the movie theater floor. Hmmmmm, Bad Fpp.

Then his phone rings. And he answers it. With a hand. Ha! OK! Good! So he has at least one hand and no excuse for putting his stinking fucking feet on my wife. I no longer felt bad. I wanted to throw stuff at him while he was on on the phone for two reasons 1. 'cause he was on his phone in a movie theater and 2. 'cause, with his one arm busy, he would have a real hard time dodging the thrown missiles.

Anyway, lesson learned. One arm is not a good enough excuse to put your gnarly feet anywhere near me or my wife's heads.

Oh, by the way, he took another call during the movie and MADE one himself, cementing his status as cool-ass dude.

news haikus # 6 Buffalo Man Decapitates Wife

It seems that a husband in buffalo got really tired of dealing with his wife. So, with a sword, he chopped her head from her body. first of all, who keeps a sword around the house?

Buffalo Man Accused of Decapitating Wife

Police identified the victim as Aasiya Z. Hassan, 37. Detectives have charged her husband, Muzzammil Hassan, 44, with second-degree murder. Muzzammil Hassan told police that his wife was at his business, Bridges TV, on Thorn Avenue in the village. Officers went to that location and discovered her body. Muzzammil Hassan is the founder and chief executive officer of Bridges TV, which he launched in 2004, amid hopes that it would help portray Muslims in a more positive light.

my favorite aspect of this is that the dude's entire business was centered around doing what he could to portray Muslim Americans as moderate, patient, thoughtful people who would never blow up a plane.

Hassan thinks OJ
a pussy. I mean c'mon,
man. Head still attached?

Stache Battle, Flower Battle

Carnivals are finally fully upon us, and I get a nice four-day weekend.
To kick things off, Friday night we had the long-anticipated moustache showdown.
When the kids from Santa Marta walked through the door to compete, I knew my chances were slimmer than Iggy Pop.

The fertile soil of Departamento Magdalena grows some fierce 'staches!



Luckily for the local boys, Style and Presentation points counted, and although I didn't place anywhere near the hardware, local pimp T-Norm, kept the gold in BQ for at least another year. I am happy to report that although I recieved no where near the number of votes i needed for third place, I was pelted with a bra during my presentation, a bra that was not thrown by my wife. so the Sam Elliot look, although not a prize winner, is still a fave with the honeys.



So, that ended all right. Then comes the first Major Carnival Parade the Batalle de Flores. That's right, the battle of the flowers. None of us has any idea what that means.



The gringoes purchased enough tickets to occupy three mini-placos down on via Cuarenta and started purchasing water and beer in the oppressive heat. the fun just came to us. Nothing too crazy happened, although we almost got into a fight with a whole passel of folks over some rum. Man, sobriety is wasted on the sober. No one was killed, no one was maimed, everyone walked home alive and dragging ass. Tomorrow is the third parade, the Fantasia (which I hope I don't have to translate) and more posts to follow. Until then, this if Fpp of NewsCorp, saying, Stay cool.

News Haikus 5, Further News from Detroit

This front page story of the NY times, internet edition was graced with a photo of a bitchin 1976 Trans Am.

Not to be outdone:

Automakers Seek $14 Billion More in Aid

G.M. to Cut 47,000 Jobs; Chrysler Plans to Slash 3,000

By BILL VLASIC and NICK BUNKLEY

General Motors and Chrysler promised to make further cuts, in hopes of lightening their bloated cost structures amid a dismal market for new car sales.

Seems like lotsa dough
To fire them folks. Why not just
slash Wagoner's pay?

Santo Tomas, Carnaval

An hour or so outside of BQ, past the airport, more or less on the banks of the Rio Magdalena, sits tranquil little St. Tomas. a pueblo that harbors no ill-will toward any man, or gringo.
So we went there to celebrate whatever it is we are celebrating, and St. Tomas was conquered. Amberlicious poured herself into an honorary position as a member of the A-Team, replacing Triple-A Allen as the only skirt on the team.

We also kept the tattoo-man's business afloat for another week, as all got ink done, in an attempt to appear tougher than we really are.

Maizena was thrown, rum consumed, and hats made from garbage bags purchased.

See you again, next year, under the watertower, a couple sandy streets up from the river, over there where that guy has those hats and that other guy is selling the beer kept cold in brown water.
adios, St. Tom