Bogota Dreams 2

Ok, ten days have passed since the editors at NewsCorp returned to the sunny environs of BQ from the rain-soaked chill of The Capital.



There is very little to note other than the frequency and diversity of diversions engaged-in by the editors. A couple nice moments: (1) Hailing a cab in The Candelaria, in an attempt to go bowling. When CDVeston explained where the bowling alley was, in what part of town, the cabdriver replied, "I won't take my car down there at night." Hmmmmmm, is bowling really necessary? Nonetheless, we bowled, CDVeston besting yours truly for the high score. (In defense of my less-than-stellar performance, I must inform that the floor was just too sticky, and my shoes really really smelled bad).



So bowling, great. Also, (2) the food we had at the bowling alley merits comment. It was a giant platter covered with grilled beef and chicken, french fries, boiled little round potatoes, patacones, popcorn, and, underneath it all, we were to discover, lettuce. It wasn't too bad, as long as one didn't eat the beef. Plus, for me anyway, there's something a tad grungy about eating food while periodically sticking three of one's fingers in holes (in this case the thumb is a finger) that were drilled into a green Lucite (or whatever) sphere some forty years ago, holes that have had more fingers in them than Madonna, in a part of town where cabdrivers refuse to go and where hairy-bellied transvestite prostitutes ply their trade in miniskirts while it coldly drizzles rain onto the dirty street. No-one brought handy-wipes.



We also went bike riding. And hit some museums. You know, tourist stuff.

NEWS HAIKUS LUCKY #13, SOMALI PIRATES

The only thing on the news that has nothing to do with the Global economic meltdown.

Somali pirates seize another boat from BBC NEWS

Somali pirates have hijacked a tugboat in the Gulf of Aden with 16 crew members on board - 10 of them Italians.

Maritime industry sources say the tug was towing two barges at the time of the attack at 0800 GMT. The crew are said to be unharmed.

When will Chuck Norris
Finally release his "Chuck
Fights the Pirates" film?

Bogota Dreams 1

For spring break, the editors of FppInternational made a pilgrimage to the capital city. The mountain holdout was invaded by a plethora of BQers past and present and the spirit of the Port of Gold was delivered into the storied crumbling majesty of the Candelaria.



Although the trip started with a massive whimper, the fun out of the sun overtook the disaster of the diplomats and all went, eventually, well.
Museums were visitied, and parks and famous site stuff and churches and Dunkin Doughnuts and a nutty meat palace.



All in all, the trip was a rocking great beginning to the most recent April, And the Editors at FppInternational have become converts to the pleasures of cold, rainy weather. More to come.

Fpp

News Haikus #12, The Final Frontier, Space Dormrooms

Seems that finally we are preparing some really cool future stuff.
Mapping the Human Genome. BFD.
Finding alternative fuels. Ho fucking Hum.
A possible cure for cancer. Pass the potatoes.
Getting ready to send people to Mars for some stupid-assed reason. Yeah, baby!

From the NY Times

Staying Put on Earth, Taking a Step to Mars

By MICHAEL SCHWIRTZ

Published: March 30, 2009

MOSCOW — On Tuesday, six people will be voluntarily locked into a cloister of cramped, hermetically sealed tubes woven inside a Moscow research facility the size of a high school gymnasium. They will eat dehydrated food, breathe recycled air and be denied conversation with practically everyone else but one another.

Let's see goofy space
dudes kill each other off. Ah,
living in isolation

Pink......................Slip. Pink...............Slip. Pink .....Slip. Pink Slip.

Grover selling apples on the street for 5 cents.

To hell with GM, Bear Stearns, and Lehman Bros. The global economic crisis has finally hit us all where we live. The folks that taught us all to count to twenty in Spanish are feeling the crunch.

From the Chicago Sun-Times:

Recession forcing layoffs at Sesame Workshop

March 12, 2009

BY ASSOCIATED PRESS

NEW YORK---- The crisis on Wall Street is plaguing Sesame Street. Sesame Workshop, the nonprofit producer of "Sesame Street" and other kids' programs, is cutting about one-fifth of its work force because of the economic downturn.

The New York-based company said Wednesday that it's eliminating 67 of 355 staff positions.

Declaring it is "not immune to the unprecedented challenges of today's economic environment," the company pronounced a need "to operate with fewer resources in order to achieve our strategic priorities."

Haiku:
No marketable
skills, Grover's dealing powdered
sugar like it's smack.

Two questions:
1. What kind of fucking language is "...to achieve our strategic priorities" for sesame street?
2. Which Muppet will make the most money as a crack-addled prostitute?

News Haikus #8, & #9, Earth Crap & bonus, More Space Crap

Big news of the day, from the New York Times,

Madoff Goes to Jail After Guilty Pleas to All Charges

When Bernard L. Maddoff entered a federal courtroom in Manhattan on Thursday to admit that he ran a vast Ponzi scheme that robbed thousands of investors of their life savings, he was as elegantly dressed as ever. But, preparing for jail, he wore no wedding ring — only the shadowy imprint remained of one he has worn for nearly 50 years.
Make an exception.
Let broke investors take turns.
Kill by paper cuts.

By the way, it seems Gordon Gecko was wrong, greed don't seem so good anymore.

bonus...

From National Geographic News.

Seems that the folks aboard in ISS (international space station) had to evacuate in order to avoid some space junk about half and inch in diameter, which, traveling at 25,000 miles per hour or so, would make a pretty mess.Space Station Evacuated Due to "Red" Debris Threat

Anne Minard for National Geographic News

March 12, 2009

International Space Station crew members put the station on autopilot and evacuated to a space "life raft" briefly on Thursday to escape bombardment by a shower of debris.

In the end, the debris passed the space station without incident. But the evacuation provided a rare test of one of the plans to get the crew to safety if the station is struck.

Imagine, billions
gone if a coconut-size
thing happened along.

News Haikus # 7, Good Old Rush, Spreading the Word

Limbaugh Misquotes Constitution During CPAC Speech

from the Huffington Post


During his much-discussed keynote address at the Conservative Political Action Conference on Saturday, Rush Limbaugh accused Barack Obama of pursuing the "bastardization of the U.S. Constitution."

It was one of the more politically acidic notes in a speech defined by rambling political assaults. But the conservative talk show host wasn't exactly standing on firm footing. Just a few moments earlier he himself had actually -- not theoretically -- "bastardized" the Constitution by confusing it with the Declaration of Independence.

Rush, if the pills can
impede your heart attack, switch
to beer, you fat fuck.

Movie Fun

First of all, let me begin this post by mentioning that I do not even remember the movie the editors at NewsCorp went to this weekend. Something with Wolverine in it, I think. Anyway, the movie was not the coolest thing in the movies. As is frequently the case, the main attraction at "Blah Blah Blah" starring Wolverine without any steel claws extruding from the backs of his hands, was not the film itself, but the depth of weirdness that one can experience in a typical BQ theater.

We bought our tickets--after some line-cutting hy-jinks by the locals--and went to get some seats. I bought the Popcorn while LaFlaca went to save the seats, a move which wasn't necessary as we were two of literally five people in the joint, and I came in after the trailers had already begun.

So, fifteen minutes into the movie, two more people came in, and sat right in front of us, exactly, boom, bing, bang, right in front of us, in a fully empty theater. Ok, stadium seating, good angle, no hats, no turbans. No problem.

So, fifteen minutes later, Ewan McGregor is having sex or something--on screen--and a small family comes in and sits, I shit you not, immediately behind us, immediately, boosh, bish, bash, right behind us. Ok, no problem. Not too loud let, but here they are.

So, I'm watching the sex scenes in my little Hollywood blockbuster. Then, once there is no more nudity, I turn to my beautiful wife to whisper something dramatic and romantic, and POW, PING PANG the filthy sonofabitch sitting behind us has his grimey Goddamn naked feet on the top of her seat-back, touching her miscellaneous hairs. UGH. I don't know the correct word to type here. Fucking Disgusting.


So, I move my little family to other seats (telling the guy how disgusting he is during the move, to which he was completely disinterested)
Luckily for me, the movie wasn't Cassablanca, as I spent the rest of it staring daggers at this disgusting pig. That's when I noticed that he didn't have an arm, at least not an arm facing us. Then I felt bad. Wow, maybe this dude has no arms, And I just called him an uneducated, disgusting pig for putting his stinking feet on my wife's head. Maybe that's all he could do to keep the digits he eats with off the movie theater floor. Hmmmmm, Bad Fpp.

Then his phone rings. And he answers it. With a hand. Ha! OK! Good! So he has at least one hand and no excuse for putting his stinking fucking feet on my wife. I no longer felt bad. I wanted to throw stuff at him while he was on on the phone for two reasons 1. 'cause he was on his phone in a movie theater and 2. 'cause, with his one arm busy, he would have a real hard time dodging the thrown missiles.

Anyway, lesson learned. One arm is not a good enough excuse to put your gnarly feet anywhere near me or my wife's heads.

Oh, by the way, he took another call during the movie and MADE one himself, cementing his status as cool-ass dude.

news haikus # 6 Buffalo Man Decapitates Wife

It seems that a husband in buffalo got really tired of dealing with his wife. So, with a sword, he chopped her head from her body. first of all, who keeps a sword around the house?

Buffalo Man Accused of Decapitating Wife

Police identified the victim as Aasiya Z. Hassan, 37. Detectives have charged her husband, Muzzammil Hassan, 44, with second-degree murder. Muzzammil Hassan told police that his wife was at his business, Bridges TV, on Thorn Avenue in the village. Officers went to that location and discovered her body. Muzzammil Hassan is the founder and chief executive officer of Bridges TV, which he launched in 2004, amid hopes that it would help portray Muslims in a more positive light.

my favorite aspect of this is that the dude's entire business was centered around doing what he could to portray Muslim Americans as moderate, patient, thoughtful people who would never blow up a plane.

Hassan thinks OJ
a pussy. I mean c'mon,
man. Head still attached?

Stache Battle, Flower Battle

Carnivals are finally fully upon us, and I get a nice four-day weekend.
To kick things off, Friday night we had the long-anticipated moustache showdown.
When the kids from Santa Marta walked through the door to compete, I knew my chances were slimmer than Iggy Pop.

The fertile soil of Departamento Magdalena grows some fierce 'staches!



Luckily for the local boys, Style and Presentation points counted, and although I didn't place anywhere near the hardware, local pimp T-Norm, kept the gold in BQ for at least another year. I am happy to report that although I recieved no where near the number of votes i needed for third place, I was pelted with a bra during my presentation, a bra that was not thrown by my wife. so the Sam Elliot look, although not a prize winner, is still a fave with the honeys.



So, that ended all right. Then comes the first Major Carnival Parade the Batalle de Flores. That's right, the battle of the flowers. None of us has any idea what that means.



The gringoes purchased enough tickets to occupy three mini-placos down on via Cuarenta and started purchasing water and beer in the oppressive heat. the fun just came to us. Nothing too crazy happened, although we almost got into a fight with a whole passel of folks over some rum. Man, sobriety is wasted on the sober. No one was killed, no one was maimed, everyone walked home alive and dragging ass. Tomorrow is the third parade, the Fantasia (which I hope I don't have to translate) and more posts to follow. Until then, this if Fpp of NewsCorp, saying, Stay cool.

News Haikus 5, Further News from Detroit

This front page story of the NY times, internet edition was graced with a photo of a bitchin 1976 Trans Am.

Not to be outdone:

Automakers Seek $14 Billion More in Aid

G.M. to Cut 47,000 Jobs; Chrysler Plans to Slash 3,000

By BILL VLASIC and NICK BUNKLEY

General Motors and Chrysler promised to make further cuts, in hopes of lightening their bloated cost structures amid a dismal market for new car sales.

Seems like lotsa dough
To fire them folks. Why not just
slash Wagoner's pay?

Santo Tomas, Carnaval

An hour or so outside of BQ, past the airport, more or less on the banks of the Rio Magdalena, sits tranquil little St. Tomas. a pueblo that harbors no ill-will toward any man, or gringo.
So we went there to celebrate whatever it is we are celebrating, and St. Tomas was conquered. Amberlicious poured herself into an honorary position as a member of the A-Team, replacing Triple-A Allen as the only skirt on the team.

We also kept the tattoo-man's business afloat for another week, as all got ink done, in an attempt to appear tougher than we really are.

Maizena was thrown, rum consumed, and hats made from garbage bags purchased.

See you again, next year, under the watertower, a couple sandy streets up from the river, over there where that guy has those hats and that other guy is selling the beer kept cold in brown water.
adios, St. Tom

Stashe Wars

Not since the heady days of the early '80s, when Burt Reynolds was a major Hollywood star and Tom Selleck's nut-hugger shorts were all the girls could talk about in the secretarial pool, has there been a 'stache war like we got going on here in BQ.

Any Gringo worth his weight in paper-towels is allowing the fur to fill the lip. Volume is not the goal. Winner will be crowned in a week. Sleaze quotient determines winner.

So place your bets and let your thoughts drift back to the days of Stroker Ace and Quarterflash, to Simon and Simon and My Little Pony. Viva la Stache!

Hey, Rocky, Guach Me Pull a Rabbit Outa My Hat!

Ah, Carnival season.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the... . scratch that. It wasn't the age of wisdom at all, foolishness reigned, as always.

The combined forces of NEWSCORP. CIA, went out into the world last night to witness the BQ Carnaval (Carnival, for you english speakers) in all its splendor last night. The Guacherna rolled through the streets on greasy, sausage-lubricated wheels, only to disrail the hopes and dreams of a people.



What basically happened was this. Fpp & La Flaca went out to 44th street to find a nice place with relatively good visibility to watch the last of the pre-carnival, carival parades. We found a spot that seemed adequate. I was more than wary, though, about the middle aged folks directly in front of us, with the shiny shirts and little plastic shot glasses hanging from their necks. I was wise to be wary, as, basically as soon as we sat down, they began shooting 'spuma' at everyone around them. 'Spuma' being some sorta relatively new, personal assault device flown in from china. it's basically foamy soap of some sort in an aerosol can that you spray on people around you, like silly-string but soap, which can build up quite thickly (see pic from three years ago, below)



Anyway, as soon as we sat down, this shit started flying all around us, and we suffered through about three and a half hours of this foolishness before calling it a night. Once again the folks of BQ proved they know how to rock. Carnaval here, at times, seems to me to be only barely holding on to a semblance of whatever Carnaval originally was supposed to be. Now, instead, it is merely an excuse to fuck with everyone around you, for absolutely no reason. An opportunity for the little boy in all of to come out and establish his presence. The problem is this little boy likes to light cats on fire.

News Haikus 3 & 4, Russian Satellites and MIke Phelps

According to that oh so trusted and respected name in News, Yahoo! News...

2 big satellites collide 500 miles over Siberia

The collision involved an Iridium commercial satellite, which was launched in 1997, and a Russian satellite launched in 1993 and believed to be nonfunctioning. The Russian satellite was out of control, Matney said.

Russian Satellites,
like Russian drunk drivers, are
smashing up space shit.



and today's added bonus...

14-times Olympic gold medal winner Michael Phelps caught with cannabis pipe

By Georgina Dickinson, 01/02/2009

THIS is the astonishing picture which could destroy the career of the greatest competitor in Olympic history.In our exclusive photo Michael Phelps, who won a record EIGHT gold medals for swimming at the Beijing games last summer, draws from a bong.

In the Seventies,
Who cared if Spitz smoked weed?
Get a 'stache, Phelps, soon.

I have also seen pics of Phelps at a tittie bar and I must admit, I like him better now than when he seemed like any other sparkly-clean-white-bread-boring-Disney-sponsored douche-bag. I don't know why people have to make a deal out of this. He isn't taking steroids, or doping his blood. Hell, I guarantee he isn't FASTER cause he's smoking weed. If anything, someone should give him another medal.

Weekly News Haiku 2, GM layoffs

According to the New York Times...


DETROIT — General Motors, which must submit a satisfactory restructuring plan to the government next week to keep billions of dollars in loans, said Tuesday that it would lay off 10,000 salaried workers worldwide this year and reduce pay for those who remain by as much as 10 percent.


Luckily for us,
Cars can be built in Chad, where
Execs will pay zip.
As a side note, sales of the new Camaro (see photo, below) are lagging...

Weekly News Haiku 1. Feb. 2009

From the NY Times.

MOSCOW — In Moscow to seek financial support, the president of Kyrgyzstan, Kurmanbek Bakiyev, on Tuesday announced that a decision to close a U.S. air base in his country — a decision that will seriously hamper U.S. efforts in Afghanistan.

article by

By ELLEN BARRY and MICHAEL SCHWIRTZ

Published: February 3, 2009

has inspired this Haiku:

Hey Times editors,
This thirty-eight word sentence
Is just a fragment.



Looks like Putin has reared his head again, this time luring the faithful Kyrgyzstanis away from their rightful US masters. If only someone, some faithful American, someone close by--say, in a state from where Russia can be seen--had been watching Putin, and recording his moves, we could have avoided this tragic strategic loss. pity.

Cartagena and Adios, Amigos

After a couple days of rest after the nuptials, we took the visiting Gringoes to Cartagena to find my credit card and see some really old buildings.



The trip started off with a detour to the Totumo mud volcano. I have heard of this thing for years and never gone. Luckily, the day we went must have been "take your ____ to the mud volcano"-day, cause it was really crowded. Lots of people in the old mud volcano. Imagine a small swimming-pool/large hot-tub sized pool of gray-thick tepid mud, stuffed with thirty or forty people you do not know or trust, including children, who, worldwide, pee in swimming pools.

We had sweet sweet showers as soon as we got to Cartagena, but the grit got into places a toothbrush and some lava (soap) could not reach.



After that, cartagena time, and playa blanca, before everyone boarded planes and escaped, unscathed, to the land of milk, honey and a freezing winter. Thanks for coming down, folks, see you soon. safe trips.

Fpp

Short, Long

Well, I guess the long and short of it is that I recently got hitched, which has nothing to do with a skiboat. On saturday, in a relatively friendly takeover, La Flaca Global CIA., SA. and FPPInternation Media Enterprises merged to form the new Pan-American Media Giant FPPFlacaInterMediaConsultaMegaVibe, which will from here on be refered to on this news site as News Corp..



Things were good. Things were great. Things were Gringo. Things were Colombian. And I got thrown in the pool at my own shindig. Such is life.
More news to follow, As FppInternational operations managers are all busy right now getting used to the constant irritation of finger jewelry.



Kisses,
FPP

Holiday Fever

We just spent another Xmas at the beach.



It seems like every year we are in BQ, we spend our Xmases at the Pradomar, with the surf and sunbathing holidayers.

Luckily this year we were treated to a lovely drunken couple who managed to get-it-on in their beach chairs. The show never ends in BQ.



Anyway, BQ is the place to be for the Holidays once again, after a Panamanian detour twelve months ago.

It's sunny, bright, hot, and windy, and the sea is relatively clean.
It's nothing like Tamba-cho though, where the holidays mean dressing up in musty old garments with musty old men.



Happy Holidays, see you soon,

FPP