news haikus # 6 Buffalo Man Decapitates Wife

It seems that a husband in buffalo got really tired of dealing with his wife. So, with a sword, he chopped her head from her body. first of all, who keeps a sword around the house?

Buffalo Man Accused of Decapitating Wife

Police identified the victim as Aasiya Z. Hassan, 37. Detectives have charged her husband, Muzzammil Hassan, 44, with second-degree murder. Muzzammil Hassan told police that his wife was at his business, Bridges TV, on Thorn Avenue in the village. Officers went to that location and discovered her body. Muzzammil Hassan is the founder and chief executive officer of Bridges TV, which he launched in 2004, amid hopes that it would help portray Muslims in a more positive light.

my favorite aspect of this is that the dude's entire business was centered around doing what he could to portray Muslim Americans as moderate, patient, thoughtful people who would never blow up a plane.

Hassan thinks OJ
a pussy. I mean c'mon,
man. Head still attached?

Stache Battle, Flower Battle

Carnivals are finally fully upon us, and I get a nice four-day weekend.
To kick things off, Friday night we had the long-anticipated moustache showdown.
When the kids from Santa Marta walked through the door to compete, I knew my chances were slimmer than Iggy Pop.

The fertile soil of Departamento Magdalena grows some fierce 'staches!



Luckily for the local boys, Style and Presentation points counted, and although I didn't place anywhere near the hardware, local pimp T-Norm, kept the gold in BQ for at least another year. I am happy to report that although I recieved no where near the number of votes i needed for third place, I was pelted with a bra during my presentation, a bra that was not thrown by my wife. so the Sam Elliot look, although not a prize winner, is still a fave with the honeys.



So, that ended all right. Then comes the first Major Carnival Parade the Batalle de Flores. That's right, the battle of the flowers. None of us has any idea what that means.



The gringoes purchased enough tickets to occupy three mini-placos down on via Cuarenta and started purchasing water and beer in the oppressive heat. the fun just came to us. Nothing too crazy happened, although we almost got into a fight with a whole passel of folks over some rum. Man, sobriety is wasted on the sober. No one was killed, no one was maimed, everyone walked home alive and dragging ass. Tomorrow is the third parade, the Fantasia (which I hope I don't have to translate) and more posts to follow. Until then, this if Fpp of NewsCorp, saying, Stay cool.

News Haikus 5, Further News from Detroit

This front page story of the NY times, internet edition was graced with a photo of a bitchin 1976 Trans Am.

Not to be outdone:

Automakers Seek $14 Billion More in Aid

G.M. to Cut 47,000 Jobs; Chrysler Plans to Slash 3,000

By BILL VLASIC and NICK BUNKLEY

General Motors and Chrysler promised to make further cuts, in hopes of lightening their bloated cost structures amid a dismal market for new car sales.

Seems like lotsa dough
To fire them folks. Why not just
slash Wagoner's pay?

Santo Tomas, Carnaval

An hour or so outside of BQ, past the airport, more or less on the banks of the Rio Magdalena, sits tranquil little St. Tomas. a pueblo that harbors no ill-will toward any man, or gringo.
So we went there to celebrate whatever it is we are celebrating, and St. Tomas was conquered. Amberlicious poured herself into an honorary position as a member of the A-Team, replacing Triple-A Allen as the only skirt on the team.

We also kept the tattoo-man's business afloat for another week, as all got ink done, in an attempt to appear tougher than we really are.

Maizena was thrown, rum consumed, and hats made from garbage bags purchased.

See you again, next year, under the watertower, a couple sandy streets up from the river, over there where that guy has those hats and that other guy is selling the beer kept cold in brown water.
adios, St. Tom

Stashe Wars

Not since the heady days of the early '80s, when Burt Reynolds was a major Hollywood star and Tom Selleck's nut-hugger shorts were all the girls could talk about in the secretarial pool, has there been a 'stache war like we got going on here in BQ.

Any Gringo worth his weight in paper-towels is allowing the fur to fill the lip. Volume is not the goal. Winner will be crowned in a week. Sleaze quotient determines winner.

So place your bets and let your thoughts drift back to the days of Stroker Ace and Quarterflash, to Simon and Simon and My Little Pony. Viva la Stache!

Hey, Rocky, Guach Me Pull a Rabbit Outa My Hat!

Ah, Carnival season.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the... . scratch that. It wasn't the age of wisdom at all, foolishness reigned, as always.

The combined forces of NEWSCORP. CIA, went out into the world last night to witness the BQ Carnaval (Carnival, for you english speakers) in all its splendor last night. The Guacherna rolled through the streets on greasy, sausage-lubricated wheels, only to disrail the hopes and dreams of a people.



What basically happened was this. Fpp & La Flaca went out to 44th street to find a nice place with relatively good visibility to watch the last of the pre-carnival, carival parades. We found a spot that seemed adequate. I was more than wary, though, about the middle aged folks directly in front of us, with the shiny shirts and little plastic shot glasses hanging from their necks. I was wise to be wary, as, basically as soon as we sat down, they began shooting 'spuma' at everyone around them. 'Spuma' being some sorta relatively new, personal assault device flown in from china. it's basically foamy soap of some sort in an aerosol can that you spray on people around you, like silly-string but soap, which can build up quite thickly (see pic from three years ago, below)



Anyway, as soon as we sat down, this shit started flying all around us, and we suffered through about three and a half hours of this foolishness before calling it a night. Once again the folks of BQ proved they know how to rock. Carnaval here, at times, seems to me to be only barely holding on to a semblance of whatever Carnaval originally was supposed to be. Now, instead, it is merely an excuse to fuck with everyone around you, for absolutely no reason. An opportunity for the little boy in all of to come out and establish his presence. The problem is this little boy likes to light cats on fire.

News Haikus 3 & 4, Russian Satellites and MIke Phelps

According to that oh so trusted and respected name in News, Yahoo! News...

2 big satellites collide 500 miles over Siberia

The collision involved an Iridium commercial satellite, which was launched in 1997, and a Russian satellite launched in 1993 and believed to be nonfunctioning. The Russian satellite was out of control, Matney said.

Russian Satellites,
like Russian drunk drivers, are
smashing up space shit.



and today's added bonus...

14-times Olympic gold medal winner Michael Phelps caught with cannabis pipe

By Georgina Dickinson, 01/02/2009

THIS is the astonishing picture which could destroy the career of the greatest competitor in Olympic history.In our exclusive photo Michael Phelps, who won a record EIGHT gold medals for swimming at the Beijing games last summer, draws from a bong.

In the Seventies,
Who cared if Spitz smoked weed?
Get a 'stache, Phelps, soon.

I have also seen pics of Phelps at a tittie bar and I must admit, I like him better now than when he seemed like any other sparkly-clean-white-bread-boring-Disney-sponsored douche-bag. I don't know why people have to make a deal out of this. He isn't taking steroids, or doping his blood. Hell, I guarantee he isn't FASTER cause he's smoking weed. If anything, someone should give him another medal.

Weekly News Haiku 2, GM layoffs

According to the New York Times...


DETROIT — General Motors, which must submit a satisfactory restructuring plan to the government next week to keep billions of dollars in loans, said Tuesday that it would lay off 10,000 salaried workers worldwide this year and reduce pay for those who remain by as much as 10 percent.


Luckily for us,
Cars can be built in Chad, where
Execs will pay zip.
As a side note, sales of the new Camaro (see photo, below) are lagging...

Weekly News Haiku 1. Feb. 2009

From the NY Times.

MOSCOW — In Moscow to seek financial support, the president of Kyrgyzstan, Kurmanbek Bakiyev, on Tuesday announced that a decision to close a U.S. air base in his country — a decision that will seriously hamper U.S. efforts in Afghanistan.

article by

By ELLEN BARRY and MICHAEL SCHWIRTZ

Published: February 3, 2009

has inspired this Haiku:

Hey Times editors,
This thirty-eight word sentence
Is just a fragment.



Looks like Putin has reared his head again, this time luring the faithful Kyrgyzstanis away from their rightful US masters. If only someone, some faithful American, someone close by--say, in a state from where Russia can be seen--had been watching Putin, and recording his moves, we could have avoided this tragic strategic loss. pity.