FppInternational

I Now Officially Hate RedBox

2012-01-21T08:34:00.000-08:00

Technological advancements are all fine and dandy.
Compacting and streamlining a Blockbuster video down into the size of an ATM is wonderful.
Eliminating the need for me to talk to video-store clerks named Clint Westwood (this is another story) is another step in the right techno-hermit direction.

Waiting for the fat and the old to figure out: A. What movie they want to see, or B. How to operate Redbox makes me want to throw living human beings into spinning cement mixers filled with glass.

I HATE REDBOX.

A full fifty percent of the US population is not ready for RedBox.

If you go to the local supermarket on a typical Thursday evening because your spouse wants to see a movie, and you see an overweight bleach-blonde mom with sweatpants, two small children and a floral/viney tattoo-thing on her wrist operating the big red telephone-booth, beware: that bitch is gonna be there forever.

You might as well go the the part of the store that has birthday cards and those erasers that fit over the ends of pencils, get a pen and a spiral notepad (college ruled), sketch out a script, write the first and second drafts, get Jerry Bruckheimer on the horn, negotiate with Will Smith's agent, fight to keep his damned kid out of the movie, pay the unions, get one of those cool canvas director's chairs, go on location, avoid Nicolas Cage's phone calls, look scared while Harvey Weinstein yells at you, finally get a release date, go to the premiere with Megan Fox, cringe when your film doesn't make any money, wait for it to be shown on airplanes, get a copy for free from Bruckheimer, take it home and stick the damn thing in the DVD player (Blu-Ray if you are more fancy-pants than me).

These two operations will take the same amount of time.

Why these people are almost always fat, I do not know, I think it has to do with the fact that both things indicate a life of not-giving-a-shit.

I am not even going to mention waiting for old people, which really was the impetus of my whole rant. Yesterday, an old lady snuck in front of my at the 'Box (I was RETURNING a movie, by the way) ran her credit card first, waited, browsed, chose two movies, then turned and asked me, "What's a Blu-Ray?" All within the time of a Galapagos giant tortoise's lifespan.

Would it kill you, Mr. Red Box, to have a separate RETURN slot for those of us who are already so close to the edge?

Death, destruction and mayhem,

FPPInternational

PS. The movie we rented was Colombiana. What a piece of crap. Why does Hollywood Bogota always look like Tijuana?

Mike Tyson's New Career Move.

2011-11-11T10:25:00.000-08:00

This is the best thing Iron Mike has done since the very early 1990's.

Click on this:

TYSON = HERMAN CAIN

...And show off the cool handshake me and Jesus have been working on for when he comes back to earf.

...Use Illegal aliens as human batteries, like in the Matrissessessess

Kisses,

FPPInternational

Some Fall Stuff

2011-11-06T19:36:00.001-08:00

Oh man, does it get cold, dark and wet quickly here in the great pacific northwest.
Damn diddly am. And although the winter is coming on quick and fiercelike, team Bothell has been able to get out and get a couple things done.

Lotsa animals in here, and a waterfall, and Fpp in a nausea-inducing flight simulator and a big hill and some other silly stuff.

And now, just for something to fill a little more space here, we went kayaking a couple months ago when it was warm, and nice and pleasant, and warm and sunny and warm.

Chris and Roxy, on a visit from North Carolina, race us and easily win the aquatic battle royale.

Kiss kiss

Ciao for now

Hiking Excursion VI, Acoustic Bugaloo

2011-08-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

As in years past, this Summer the Bastardos moved West for the funk. The Olympic Peninsula Coast was the destination, wet feet the prescription, sand and ropes the constipation.

The hike was very much different from any other year, as 2011 offered an interesting mix of beach and rain-forest hiking, dolphin spotting, crashing waves drowning out snoring, and salmon and steak dinners.

All in all, another total success with zero fatalities and plenty of foolish douche-baggery. Lessons were learned and age was shown, with the aid of rope-ascent hikes proliferating muddy trails, where joints cried foul.

But, as mentioned, no one died or needed a ride to a hospital, so the venture only made us stronger.

Kisses from the indoors, where refrigerators and toaster ovens provide the warm solace of domestic bliss.

In Other Music News

2011-08-02T22:26:00.000-07:00

It's been a full week since Joe Arroyo, Colombia's greatest salsa singer, died in a hospital in BQ. The last five or ten years had been kinda rough for old Joe (who wasn't really that old, 55).

That's him with Shakira there, back in 2006

He had drug problems and I think he was diabetic, and seemed really shaky on stage at times. But damn did he have a cool voice. He high-fived me once at a club (La Quinta, which is now closed) and we ate in the same restaurant once, where I made a fool of myself when I recognized him. I have been trying to reckon how many times I saw Joe, at least six, the last time at a small club in BQ with virtually no one in attendance, which is amazing, as he was, until his last breath, a National hero, and Salsa legend.

Adios, Joe, The staff at FPPInternational will be trying to imitate that screechy sound you made for the following week or two.

Here's the video for Joe's tune, Sabre Olvidar, which is awesome for many reasons:
1) It's a cool tune.
2) Parts of it were filmed at Las Flores, where we used to eat fish on weekends
3) Joe's wearing a captain's hat with overalls

4) At 3:45 a girl presents a flopping fish in a box to the camera for consideration

Pussy-Town?

2011-07-31T20:14:00.000-07:00

Seattle is an interesting place.

It's up in the corner there of the country, as far away from Miami as possible (that's good).
A pretty far piece from any other major metropolitan area (that's also good).

It has long been a place for people running away from something. It has long been associated with extremes. It has the best summers in the continental US, and the worst winters. Forbes says it is the most miserable sports city in the USA; however it is also the most educated city.

Seattle has always kicked-ass at producing music, good music. Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Jimi-freaking-Hendrix, hell, even Heart, Seattle has a pretty great track record in the world of music. But it seems lately something has changed.
Like the SuperSonics, Seattle's Rock-n-Roll-ability has disappeared to Oklahoma or some such desolate shit-hole.

The only local band that's getting any radio-play right now is a group called The Head and The Heart, and their tune "Lost In My Mind." First of all, both are really shitty names, band and song. But maybe, if the tunes are great, it could be like Mott the Hoople or "You Can't Rollerskate in a Buffalo Heard." Trust me, it ain't. This is Hootie and the Blowfish. This is "Here's a Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)."

The band and song are as good as they sound, downright low-mediocre pussy-music which basically sums up the state of Rock-n-Roll in general at this stage of its existence, but this band couldn't be worse if Kenny G were the bassist. Whatever happened to The Supersuckers or Mudhoney?

Seattle used to celebrate creative acts. Our music is now the equivalent of Superbowl XL. It's a sad state of affairs. At least in sports we're used to getting our asses kicked. We used to be good at bands. Now we are not even Portland or San Diego (anyone remember Stone Temple Pilots). Oh woe is me.

Delayed Reaction

2011-07-29T07:07:00.000-07:00

Is it cruel to pick on George W Bush? He seems so sensible now, in light of the Palins and Bachmanns and other teabag looneys who are amazingly, disgustingly controlling our national discourse. For people who can barely read, they are a force to be reckoned with. Shouldn't they just be quietly washing our cars and removing the dog poop from our lawns and not, uhhhh making political speeches and stuff.

anyway, General W this week explained why he had such a delayed reaction when told planes were smashing into buildings all over the eastern seaboard damn near ten years ago. Talk about delayed reactions. And his reason, "I wanted to look calm." George Wiggly Bush wanted to look calm. It took ten years to come up with that? Really? Karl Rove is losing his touch. Ten fucking years to figure out, "Hmmmm. Looking calm sounds Presidential. Might just save my historical ranking." Anyway, it worked. He sure seemed calm.

This reminds me of when GWB acknowledged that the worst moment of his presidency (a presidency slapped about by terrorist attacks, the destruction of the economy, two wars, and massive attacks on civil liberties) was when Kanye said GWB didn't like black people. Really? after overseeing the death of thousands of soldiers, having to meet some of their parents, helping to bilk 9-11 first responders out of their insurance, stuff like that, your worst day is Kanye being mean to you during a Katrina telethon? Man, you're a bigger wimp than your dad.

New FPPInternational Feature: Things You Can't Say Anymore

2011-07-23T22:10:00.000-07:00

FPPInternational now features more than just Hardcore 3-D porn. Starting today, The editors will keep you clued in as to what you absolutely may not ever say again.

The inaugural term is, "LET'S DO THIS."
Don't do it, under any circumstances.

If anyone says "Let's do this," around you, feel free to punch and/or kill that person.

Thank you,

The Editors,

FPPInternational

I Would Rather Die Than Take a Nap

2011-07-23T21:41:00.000-07:00

Just ask Michael Jackson

Picking up features editor Dr. Dinkus Reichlin today, after his scrubbing, clipping and probing, Sports editor La FLaca Reichlin and I were entertained by a recent pharmaceutical company's spectacular new product, NuVigil.

As far as we could tell, it's supposed to keep you from feeling sleepy at 3 in the afternoon. But really, that's unclear, and even, as they put it in the ad, the pill may not do anything for sleep disorders or sleepiness, however it does ( and here FppInternational is quoting their website):

PROVIGIL will not cure these sleep disorders. PROVIGIL may help the sleepiness caused by these conditions, but it may not stop all your sleepiness. PROVIGIL does not take the place of getting enough sleep. Follow your doctor\'s advice about good sleep habits and using other treatments.

PROVIGIL is a federally controlled substance (C-IV), so use PROVIGIL only as directed and keep in a safe place to prevent misuse and abuse. It is against the law to sell or give PROVIGIL to another person.

What important information should I know about PROVIGIL?

PROVIGIL may cause serious side effects including a serious rash or a serious allergic reaction that may affect parts of your body such as your liver or blood cells. Any of these may need to be treated in a hospital and may be life-threatening. If you develop a skin rash, hives, sores in your mouth, blisters, peeling, or yellowing of your skin or eyes, trouble swallowing or breathing, dark urine, or fever, stop taking PROVIGIL and call your doctor right away or get emergency help.
Provigil is not approved for children for any condition. It is not known if PROVIGIL is safe or if it works in children under the age of 17.
You should not take PROVIGIL if you have had a rash or allergic reaction to PROVIGIL or NUVIGIL^® (armodafinil) Tablets [C-IV], or are allergic to any of the following ingredients: modafinil, armodafinil, lactose monohydrate, microcrystalline cellulose, pregelatinized starch, croscarmellose sodium, povidone, and magnesium stearate.

What are possible side effects of PROVIGIL?

Stop taking PROVIGIL and call your doctor right away or get emergency help if you get any of the following serious side effects:

Mental (psychiatric) symptoms, including: depression, feeling anxious, sensing things that are not really there, increase in activity (mania), thoughts of suicide, aggression, other mental problems.
Symptoms of a heart problem, including: chest pain, abnormal heart beats, and trouble breathing.

Common side effects of PROVIGIL are headache, nausea, feeling nervous, stuffy nose, diarrhea, back pain, feeling anxious, trouble sleeping, dizziness, and upset stomach. These are not all the side effects of PROVIGIL. Tell your doctor if you get any side effect that bothers you or that does not go away. Talk to your doctor for medical advice about side effects.

What should I avoid while taking PROVIGIL?

Do not drive or do other dangerous activities until you and your doctor know how PROVIGIL affects you.
Avoid drinking alcohol.

Basically, from what we could tell, the stuff is poison. This company is like a Veronan Apothecary, happily waiting to suit your every please-kill-me-quick-at-the-family-crypt need. Who the fuck buys this stuff?

A haiku:

If ad is just list

Of side-effects, tell Rush it's

Diet Oxycontin

Lebron James Promises 'Next Year.'

2011-06-12T19:43:00.001-07:00

Lebron James promises to continue his drive towards excellence.

Vows to be even bigger douche-bag next year.

The Art of Idiocy

2011-06-06T21:37:00.001-07:00

While my favorite Congressman tries to pull himself out of a rock and a hard-place, one of my least favorite uhhhhh whatever-the-fuck-she-is, not only makes a massive show of her complete ignorance and lack of education, she later DEFENDS that complete lack of knowledge.

Even Faux News called her on it. And she still CANNOT admit to getting it wrong. How fucking stupid are the people who support this woman? She is as dumb as a human being can be without having her heart stop when she sleeps.

How can anyone watch her talk and try to explain anything, without wondering whether or not she's off some kind of medication. She's a fucking idiot. Whichever one of her kids has Down syndrome should consider himself lucky that's all he's got. REALLY. Folks with Down syndrome can still be functional, useful members of society. Whatever is wrong with her is absolute societal cancer.

Damned Weiner

2011-06-06T20:53:00.000-07:00

I thought for sure, as I moved forward in my early forties, it would be my own weiner that would be causing me problems. Late night commercials, Bob Dole, and Rush Limbaugh's airport prescription woes had me firmly believing that the hard part of getting the groove on in middle-age would be my own weiner, Not NY's weiner.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CMHhkWuPp8

First, I just wanna say, I love Anthony Weiner, and hope he does not go away, at least not prematurely. He's my single favorite congressman, (well, second, after the sublimely delusional Michelle Bachmann) and his sense of humor and sarcasm make for the best show on C-Span.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fj_yProUnEI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy7jcvsLrHg

Then he sent a picture of his junk in his drawers to a woman down the street.

Damn it, Weiner! That's a soft-headed thing to do. How could you have armed the moronic minions on the right with a tool like this. There will obviously be mounds of jokes and comments, and they will be piercing. The pen is, after all, mightier that the sword.

Damn it, Weiner, Why?

Why couldn't this have happened to Boehner (yeah, whatever D-bag, sure it's pronounced "Bay-ner")

New Favorite Quote: Maher

2011-05-10T21:00:00.000-07:00

I am fairly certain the progressive cheapening of American politics by the consideration of voters of retards such as Palin, Bachmann, Rand Paul and Donald Trump, is the reason for my new fascination with a certain New York Bankrupt real estate developer and idiot. Thanks to Rolling Stone mag and Bill Maher, I have a favorite new quote:

(From the April 28 issue of the aforementioned magazine):

Donald Trump? Why are we even listening to this forgotten clown? Why don't we ask John Wayne Bobbit's severed dick what it thinks about fixing the nuclear reactor in Japan?

Hey, Goddammit, Where are my 72 Virgins?

2011-05-02T07:41:00.000-07:00

Before I begin reading the right-wing Caca from the crazies about how Obama screwed the recent operation in Pakistan up, or how the real enemy is still at large in the form of the liberal media or NPR or NEA or Socialist medical insurance plans, a haiku:

May swaying poor dolts

To die for you, ensure your

Shitty afterlife

2012, The Series

2011-04-13T16:04:00.000-07:00

The Republicans know a little something about manipulating the citizenry of the US of A. In April of 2011, however, there seems to be a little luster missing from the usual GOP diamond-encrusted, elephant-shaped dildo of which the American people have intimate knowledge. There's nothing to worry about for the protectors of our freedoms, defenders of our faith and keepers-the-fuck-out of our Mexican neighbors, you say? Just shine the shit on that elephant dildo and get back in gear for the 2012 follow-up to the 2010 swing to the right; the red states are ready., and the blue states will have the blues. 2012 will be a banner year for right-minded lovers of liberty, terrors of taxes, upholder of the unborn, fighters for the flag, and baggers of tea...

But wait a second, who does the right have that can run a successful campaign against the Muslim, Kenyan, yellow-bellied, smarty-pants, law-talking, college-boy socialist Barrack HUSSEIN Obama? The liberal media will not allow their golden boy to be defeated in a fair fight. The GOP needs someone magnificent and unexpected to fight the good fight.

Sarah Palin's TV show was a bust, and Mitt Romney is a robot. Where can the good people of America turn?

Reality TV of course.

Right now, as the days in spring 2011 lengthen, the good people of America are speaking, and they are shouting ... DONALD TRUMP.

Yep, Donald Trump, who, of course, is an excellent candidate for the Republican nod because he:

Is completely full of shit.
Has already gone bankrupt a handful of times
Has no executive experience whatsoever
Got everything he has from his father's success
Knows/loves/will protect millionaires
Has been married at least three times
Doesn't give a shit about you

But can't we, the nation that has perfected Reality TV, come up with someone better than THE DONALD? Our Reality TV history is the greatest in the world. While most of our jobs are being sent to India, our Reality TV workers are still putting out quality product that kicks Bollywood square in the balls. Aren't there more ideal Reality TV stars we can put on the ticket? Let's look at some candidates:

MARTHA STEWART

Known for: Home and decorating and cooking and crafts and shit like that.

PROS:

Real bitchy.
Superiority complex.
Did hard time for insider trading and obstruction of justice--Good old
fashioned GOP crimes.
Would decorate the fuck out of the White House.
Her website is called “Martha Stewart Omni-media, as in “all over the goddamn place,” which means the wiretaps are already in place.
People who shop at Kmart already know her name.

CONS:

She turns 70 in 2011, and nobody likes droopy old boobies.
She has a French Bulldog, which is A) French and B) faggy.
She likes opera and other artsy-fartsy crap.
Doesn't kill her own meat.

GENE SIMMONS

Known for: having a long tongue, being a mediocre bassist, putting his KISS-brand bullshit logos on everything from chewable vitamins to tampons

PROS:

He's was in a Tom Selleck movie.
Regrets voting for Obama.
Spits blood.

CONS:

Oddly enough, he's as charismatic as a generic can of corn.
Snake-skin pants.
He once hit on NPR's Terry Gross
Teeth of Snakeface boots will mar hardwood floors in Oval office.
Didn't write “Beth.”

JOAN RIVERS

KNOWN FOR: Appearing before awards shows and talking shit about rich people's clothes.

PROS:

She looks presidential. If you combined the faces of James Monroe, Wm. Henry Harrison and Roddy McDowell (in his planet of the apes makeup) you get Joan Rivers.

CONS:

She's older than Reagan, and I don't mean just older than Reagan when he took office.
Like Gene Simmons, changed her name so as not to seem so Jewish.(At least her name wasn't Lieberman).
Seems like she has no problems with gay people, nor vice versa, and that ain't bible.
Appears to care less about being a good leader than even George W. Bush.
Her face might explode all over the Russian president, which would be a sign of weakness.
Has no idea how to shoot a gun.

OZZY OSBOURNE

KNOWN FOR: Biting head off bat. Drinking own pee. Snorting ants. Tattooing himself. Worshiping Satan. Ironman.

PROS:

See Known For (above).
Doesn't seem overly intellectual for average American.
Probably very few skeletons in his closet
Would not hesitate to go to war with any country for no reason.
Doesn't worry about being 'all PC'.
Can't be killed by poisoning.
Owes IRS millions and might just work for free.

CONS:

Once peed on the Alamo
Is British, but not in a bad way like Colin Firth, in a good way like The Transporter guy.

TILA TEQUILA

KNOWN FOR: Lesbian Asian T&A

PROS:

Manages to blend many things real American's can't stand (female, Asian, gay, foreign, rap music) into something they do like (porn).
Will have no problem working with both sides.
Won't raise your taxes as much as your wood.
She's a hardworking girl who began her career in her teens.
Cleavage.

CONS:

None.

JERRY SPRINGER

KNOWN FOR: Jerry Springer Show. Mayoring in Cincinnati. Paying prostitute with a check.

PROS:

Has executive experience.
Extensive time spent sorting out the problems of average red state voters.
Has his own security guys, won't need Secret Service
Once hosted WWE RAW.
Those ending monologues on his show demonstrate some real depth of character.
Only person alive who has kicked Oprah's ass and lived to talk about it.

CONS:

British, and not like The Transporter guy.
Starred in “The Defender” which was directed by Dolph Lundgren, who is a communist boxer.
Is a democrat.

So, my American brothers and sisters, I ask you, should we settle for Donald Trump when there are so many options available to us for 2012? I think it would be disastrous to limit ourselves to merely the loudest and most annoying Reality TV star with the worst hair, when there are so many better qualified self-promoters available.

Imagine the dream ticket, my fellow Americans, TEQUILA/PALIN 2012. Just imagine it, after a tough day of stumping in Tulsa, Oklahoma the candidates are forced to share a room with only one queen-sized bed 'cause the Monster trucks are at the BOK Center, and one of them calls down 'cause they need more towels, and you have to bring the towels up to the, and when you knock on the door they tell you to come in, and Sarah's only wearin' them glasses and is holding pillow case in front of her, and Tila comes out of the bathroom and she's all dripping from the shower. I tell you, it happens all the time. I've read about it. Hell, I saw the aftermath of something just like this one on Springer, it was amazing, an experience that could only be described as Presidential.

Birth of a Nation

2011-04-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

ABC News recently reported that Donald Trump, yeah, that Donald Trump, is tied for second place in polls of potential Republican voters of whom they would like to see as their 2012 presidential candidate.

Just when you thought the right was getting a touch less touched with the removal of Glenn Beck's show from FOXNews, ABC New reports that Donald Trump is a serious Preidential hopeful, with a full 8 percent lead over the bat-shit crazy yardstick Sarah Palin, and an eleven percent lead over the CooCoo for Cocoa Puffs bird.

His entire platform seems to be, "I haven't seen Obama's birth certificate, so he's from Kenya."

Didn't we cover this a couple years ago?

I have never seen my own original fucking birth certificate, I don't think.

If I have, I doubt it had "religion" on it. Big Don's claim is that Barack Hussein Obama's original Kenyan Birth certificate says stuff like Muslim and Socialist on it, and he (President Obama) sure as shit doesn't want anyone to see that incriminating evidence of his potential malfeasance. What does The Donald's birth certificate say, Philanderer and Douche-bag?

By the way, in an effort to stick partisan politics up everyone's ass as hard as they can, the Republicans are threatening to shut down the government. Fine, you shits, shut down your half, Shut down the bullshit protection of insurance companies and HMO's; shut down the protection of corporations, the gun lobby, the oil lobby, shut down the shitbirds that want to drill for oil in national parks, shut down Leo Berman's big fucking hats government supply shop, take away John Boehner's key to the tanning bed and the liquor cabinet. Shut down all your whining cause you got beat in 2008 in an election that wasn't close enough to steal.

How can anyone take these cartoon character schmucks seriously?

Either they are repeating the most pandering, idiotic horseshit they can, in order to sway the common denominator for purely political reasons (Trump, Boehner), or they are really dumb enough to believe the crap they're spewing (Berman, Beck). Either way, stop embracing idiocy. With all the shit going on in the world in early 2011, is there anyone who just wants to focus on solving the real problems facing us.

Oh, yeah, I forgot, he's a Heathen Communist Muslim engineered in a genetics lab near Lake Baikal, then sent to Hawaii (closest state to Russia that isn't Alaska, which is patrolled by the Palin family with guns and fishing boats) to be elected president and one day destroy the USA by getting poor people access to medicine.

DIABOLICAL

A Haiku:

If persuading dolts

to believe lies was hard work,

Rush wouldn't be so fat.

Nihon

2011-03-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

So, a little over a week ago, while moving northern Japan eight feet closer to North America, a grumbling bit of sub-oceanic plate rubbing moved Muammar al-Gaddafi off the front page of the world's newspapers. It also raised all hell in Japan, center of FPPInternational operations from July 2003-July 2004

FppInternational has not been delinquent in reporting the facts to the world, just without wise-guy stupid jerk comments. The coffers are still depleted.

It just makes me wonder if the Japanese can catch a break.

For all their goofy Xenophobic, traditional, shoe-removing, male-only-adoration, Hello-Kitty cuteness, porn-comic weirdness, they're pretty nice people, in general. Just like anywhere else.

And, in the last sixty-five years, they have had two atom bombs dropped on 'em, and are now suffering from the nuclear-fallout of a giant industrial accident spawned by an earthquake.

Could this be much worse?

Eventually, the Japanese will be fine. They are resilient folks. SUPER-resilient folks. And they will be thriving in a short time, far shorter than Haiti has had. The editorial staff at FPPInternational is just worried that Kim Jung-un will use the re-establishment of a powerful Japan as a reason to sent a missile into Nagoya.

Ganbatte, Japan! The world is with you.

Colombian Rock Guy

2011-03-18T11:19:00.000-07:00

Although Barranquillera Shakira is known on Attu Island, there is very little else in the way of Colombian Rock-n-Roll groups worth mentioning, right?

Well, for the most part, right; however, Colombia has done pretty well in blending togther some different types of music together, and as a result, can claim some of the biggest names in Latin pop music. For example, Carlos Vives and Juanes, two dudes who've kinda become famous world-wide (well, mundial, anyway) for being rock stars.

"Who gives a shit, and what the hell does this have to do with FPPInternational," you ask? Well no-one, I suppose, and, plenty, since the editorial staff recently took in the local Juanes concert, at the WAMU theater in Seattle, which just happened to be the kick-off show for his North American tour.

Along with rockin' out, Dinky got some pechichon and ran along some docks, and La Flaca sliced the skin off an apple.

ciao for now.

FPPInternational

The Land of the Free and Home of the Brave

2011-03-10T10:45:00.001-08:00

Oh Beautiful for spacious skies

A few things happening in the world right now. Seems that, fed on the success of popular uprisings in Egypt and Tunisia, Libyan people have taken it upon themselves to create a government "of the people." This being said, the task has proven to be a slightly arduous one, given that part of the process involves overthrowing a tyrant with the keys to the room where all the flame-throwers are stored. Our old pal Moammar has proven to be less of a push-over than his Egyptian counterpart Hosni.

I personally thought Hosni was an idiot for waiting around as long as he did, when he could have just said, "Oh, Yeah, You Jackasses? Well, I'm going to New York to the UN and just see about all this bullshit!" and then, filled his pillowcases with cash and gold and King Tut treasures and diamonds and cans of extra-fancy white albacore tuna fish, and said, "I'll be right back, then I'll kick your ass!" and never ever returned and lived out his remaining years in wealth and prosperity in some place like the Bahamas, next door to Shakira, watching her shake her ass while he pretends to water his azalea bushes.

I don't think anyone, not you, not me, not Hosni, not Hillary, not the folks in Lybia, thought Moammar would leave quite so easily. Yet, the Libyan boys and girls are giving it a go. And this is serious shit. This is getting-blown-up serious. People in Libya are risking everything to stand up for establish some rights for common Joes. It is beyond admirable. It's heroic.

Meanwhile, here in the land of All-you-can-eat lunch buffets, we have the this:

Seems kinda like the opposite of what's going on all over the southern coast of the Mediterranean right now. Another douche-bag leader, maybe not as monstrous and Moammar, but still a complete tool, doing his best to remove rights from the citizenry, while empowering the corporate rich. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is right now removing the rights of his constituents, and the Wii-playing citizenry of "the land of the free" does nary a goddamn thing.

Middle-class working folks in Wisconsin are having their rights taken away and there will be no general upheaval in this country, because some idiot like Rush Limbaugh will use the word 'communists' or 'socialists' and Wisconsin dem.'s will be afraid of losing votes and will allow this shit to happen.

A HAIKU:

It's sad that we are

too lazy to give a shit

while in a desert...

Wisconsin, get yerselves a new governor, pronto!

Season of the Sales Pitch

2011-01-02T10:48:00.001-08:00

My computer and TV are always inundated with movie ads, as I am sure, yours are as well. Sometimes I go to the movies as a result, and sometimes, I go to the movies without really knowing what I want to see. Then I buy a ticket and watch a movie. A while ago La Flaca and I went and saw Harry Potter 7. In the lobby of the theater was a poster of Nicolas Cage's latest release, Season of the Witch.

I had to stand next to this bigger than life thing while we were waiting to go see the little magic bastard. Anyway, I had a couple thoughts:

1. That can't possibly be Nick Cage's hair.

He's as bald as I am by now, I am sure.

and

2. They MUST STOP NAMING NICOLAS CAGE MOVIES.

Instead, all Nick cage movies must be numbered. For example, instead of going to see Disney's Sorcerer's Apprentice, you would throw your ten bucks down to see Disney's Nicolas Cage film 27. The movies must be numbered from the date of him winning his Leaving Las Vegas Oscar. with only five exceptions:

Astro Boy

G-Force

The Ant Bully

A Christmas Carol and

Adaptation

Since those movies are A) four cartoons, which don't hinge on Nicolas Cage's name being before the title, and B) actually one good movie.

Think of how many people would be saved.

Imagine going to see a movie this holiday season and having no idea what's playing,

"How about Season of the Witch?" your friend asks.

You hum the Donovan song. "OK," you say.

Then you go in the theater; it gets dark. The music starts, and Nicolas Cage's face fills the screen.

"Goddamnit!" At least ten bucks in the old shitter.

I think the Motion Picture Association of America has a much more considerable responsibility than keeping ten-year-old's from seeing nipples. They have the charge of preventing unassuming patrons from mistakenly seeing Nicolas Cage movies. NC17 the hell out of whatever you want, but please, please MPAA, put Nick Cage's name on any movie he stars in from now on. Think of the children.

MMXI, Year of the "Are you shitting me?"

2011-01-02T10:11:00.000-08:00

A year ago, I began the decade being bitten on my ass, and that's bad. This year, the bite was in a slightly more tender location.

Disolve to six months ago

FPP celebrates birthday 40. Which is good, as FPP has never been one to cherish the age of ignorance and stupidity. He is, however one who believes, in his psuedo-conscious, that as he gets older, he'll stop doing stupid stuff. FPP is often wrong, and slightly delusional. But anyway, not too worried about becoming an older guy.

So, first thing, on the morning of January 1, 2011, FPP is in line at the West Seattle Safeway, buying a couple bottles of relatively cheap champagne for Mimosas for the Weatherpeople's annual 1/1 recovery brunch. FPP finds the shortest Safeway checkout line and approaches, the woman who is there, putting her groceries on the conveyor-belt-thing, looks up at FPP and says, "Hurry, put them here, put them down." FPP does nothing, but looks kinda confused. Is she gonna pay for his sparkling wine? FPP looks dumb. "Oh, sorry," woman says, "I thought you were my father."

OK. Hold on. This girl could have been 18 or 21, you're saying, making a 40-year-old FPP a possible father, right?

BULLSHIT. She was at least 40, and when the father finally appeared (by this time FPP was in the neighboring line, having no desire to hear any fucking explanations), the guy was like 80. GODDAMIT, really? That guy?

Anyway, another year starts with another bite in the ass, only this time, no trip to the emergency room was required. I'd love to go on, but I have to change my fucking diapers.

Kisses to all, Happy 2011

Not Dead Yet

2010-09-16T16:53:00.000-07:00

Although nothing has been recently published to the contrary, you can rest assured, gentle reader, that the staff at FPPInternational didn't all die in a horrific grease fire, nor were they exterminated when innocently driving past an exploding meth-lab/trailer in Waterville. All in all, things are fine in Washington/Fpplandia, albeit a tad boring, which will possibly explain the lack of recent updates.
But still, stuff has been going on.

For example...
Team FPPInternational climbed up come rocks.

Team FPPInternational recently took in some local culture.

Team FPPInternational recently eulogized the death of a dirty, messy old pal.

All in all, life is slow, too damn slow, but not terminated. So stop yer worrying. Things'll get exciting soon, as they always do in this part of the world, when the rains set in.

Summer Sports Poll

2010-07-26T10:55:00.000-07:00

Lotsa sports action this summer: the latest being super-juiced A-Rod getting plunked on the pinkies, instead of hitting homerun 600.

Which leads me to the sports question:

Who's the biggest douchebag in sports this summer? Feel Free to vote for your fave.

The contestants are...
1. King "me me me me" James

2. Tiger "$700,000,000.00 is a lot to pay for some skanky strange" Woods

and...
3. Now replacing OJ Simpson as sport's least favorite Juiced star, A-Rod.

Washington Summer: Hike and Brats

2010-07-26T10:11:00.000-07:00

The continuing adventures of a Washington State summer 2010 have now evolved to include the annual Bastardes Amores hiking trip, which in the past has featured grilled legs, bee-sting attacks, frozen alpine landscapes, and a Hoh River Rumble.

This year however, in an attempt to free ourselves (our fat-assed-middle-aged-selves, that is) from the constraints of traveling on single track hiking paths, opted to make a first ever Bastardes Amores canoe trip up Ross Lake, from where escape into Canada is not only possible, but encouraged.

The canoe trip was a complete success with not one craft flipping nor sinking in the lake, and not one elderly shoulder exploding after three days of paddling.

An ascent to the top of Desolation Peak was also on the menu and middle-aged, fat-assed quadriceps proved adequate, if not optimal for the elevation gain.

No liquidy-chilly deaths recorded, the Bastardes make the trip back home, where BQ-pal and Texas-Adventure-Tourer CDveston was waiting on his big BMW.

A stop in Deutsch-themed small-town Washington hamlet Leavenworth was made for Brats and Biers, after learning about Sir Thomas Crappers massive contributions to Seattle's early days.

After gullets were filled with fine German fare, the drive continued, reuniting LaFlaca with her Dinky and all was right with the universe again. Smooth sailing.

Welcome to the NW

2010-07-11T10:35:00.000-07:00

Three weeks late, but aged to perfection...

For the first time, FPPInternational wishes all its readers greetings from the final stop of the trip, Seattle, WA.

Things thusfar, oddly enough, have been relatively slow. Although trips have been made all over the state, nothing of major importance has occurred. Such is the nature of vacation time, one could suppose. The dedicated journalists at FPPInternational, however, know that the truth never takes a holiday.

Upon arrival in the Emerald City, FppPals Ross and Sarah threw a BBQ for the newly arrived Colombian contingency, replete with ribs, wienies, children and dogs.

On the telecommunications front, FPPInternational has finally entered the last millennium, having purchased a DroidPhone, which does more by nine o'clock AM than anyone else in the organization does all damn day. As a matter of fact, DroidPhone is responsible for editing this post.
So, plans are being made, futures organized and fates unified. So, until more photos are taken, keep your ears clean, wear a jacket and look both ways before crossing the road.
Ciao for Now!
FPP

The Bottom-Right-Hand Corner

2010-06-20T11:35:00.000-07:00

Ah, Miami....

When you're there for only a day and your dog pees in an art gallery, life seems sweeter than a box of Dots at the movies.

Pals Chris and Roxy met us at the Renta-car joint and gave us a tour through the city over/down there (or up there for you BQers). Things were smooth and the whole team had a rockin good time.

Immigration was a breeze; Dinky was the first piece of luggage off the plane, and the rental car was spacious. USA-living starts out smooth. And for the first time, Miami was a fun place to be. Thanks Chris and Rox!

Adios

2010-06-13T07:28:00.000-07:00

For the first time since its messy birth, the idiot savant (mostly idiot) news-child FppInternational will no longer be headquartered in the port of gold, BQ.
So Long, Colombia.

The days of FppInternational have technically ended. FppInternational will now be known as FppNW and will replace Rum with Coffee, Palm Trees with Pines, Beach trips with hikes, and Salsa with Grunge. That's right, damas y caballeros, FppIncorporated is moving to Seattle. At this moment, as I type, the entire editorial staff of FppInternational is safely contained in the fuselage of a jumbo-jet zipping in a NW direction, although features editor Dr. Dinkus Reichlin, PhD created some problems at MIA.

Thanks to Alaska Air, and its free in-air wifi, the entire staff is able to maintain the highest standard of reporting known in the world of the fourth estate...
and...
Curses to Alaska Air, for overselling the plane, and not giving us seats until I explained that features editor Dr. Dinkus was already squirreled in the belly of the great aluminum beast, Editor-in-Chief Fpp informing gate-guy, "I don't care if I have to fly that fucking thing, we're getting on that plane." ...
and...
Kudos to Alaska Air gate-guy for not reporting that comment to MIA airpor- guys with tazers.

The details of this trip have been, and continue to be multi-faceted and aggravating, but finally, the end is in sight, and,so, sadly enough, is the BP (Belligerent Pricks) oil spill out the left-hand side windows.

To make a long long story bloggable, more on the events of the past two months will be reported from the safety of the ground, but for the time being, Adios, Colombia. TQM.

Nothing

2010-06-03T19:15:00.000-07:00

There is nothing funny about this.

Nothing.

The Sensitve Men in Colombia

2010-05-27T06:02:00.000-07:00

Colombia, and more specifically BQ, is filled with sensitive men. By this I do not mean Phil Donahue types. I mean men who take stupid things personally. My wife understands them. I do not. A little story, complete with dialogue...

Every morning, before the sun comes up if I have work, I walk Dinky. To walk Dinky requires: a ride downstairs in the elevator, leaving the building, walking Dinky, picking up some poo, walking some more, returning to the building, being let in, riding up in the elevator, and finally re-entering the apartment. My building has three doormen who work shifts and alternate the night/early morning shift every day. Their names are Davison, Nargel, and Antonio. Antonio is the only one with a normal name. He is, however, not a normal person. He is a 56 year old Costeno Sensitive Man.

On the mornings when Antonio is on duty, without fail, I have to wait to be let in, because he is doing something, also, without fail, there is a blue liquid floor cleaner in pools on the floor from the door into the elevator. Elevators are small, confined spaces. So, a week ago or so, I asked Antonio if he could please wait, as a favor to me, to pour that stuff in the elevator until I have gone upstairs with Dinky, cause Dinky sits in it and tries to eat it, and in the confines of a small room like an elevator, it's hard to control. He seemed to have a hard time understanding what I was saying. So, I restated, could you please wait five minutes to spray that stuff in the elevator, because Dinky thinks its a melted blue-raspberry snowcone.

Good, I thought. Problem solved.

This morning, I was walking Dinky as usual, and when we returned, there was Antonio, who told me, "I spoke to the administrator of the building, and I am supposed to clean the elevator."

"Yeah,"I said. "I'm sure you are. I would just like you to wait five minutes to dump that stuff in the 'vator."

So he leaves and gets the stuff, the blue stuff, in a big plastic milk carton with the word floor cleaner written on it with a sharpie. "It's for the elevator, too." he said.

"I'm not asking you not to clean the elevator. Just to wait five minutes until I am upstairs to pour this stuff on the floor of the thing."

"Sometimes you're gone more than five minutes."

"Ok. ten minutes. Could you please wait ten minutes to pour that stuff on the floor."

"The administrator wants me to clean the elevator."

"You could spend the ten minutes mopping up the rest of the blue stuff and then spray it in the elevator after I go up with my dog." Antonio was starting to get teary-eyed, and confused. "I am the only person up at that time, and it would be nice to not ride in the elevator with my dog with pools of blue stuff."

"The administrator said I'm to clean the elevator. Snifle."

Now I am no longer entertained at all. "I'M ASKING YOU, AS A FAVOR, LIKE A PERSON, LIKE A HUMAN BEING, TO PLEASE WAIT UNTIL I AM UPSTAIRS, THAT'S ALL. I AM THE ONLY PERSON IN THE BUILDING AT THAT TIME WHO IS USING THE ELEVATOR. PLEASE."

snifle

"HOW OLD ARE YOU?"

"Me? My age? I'm fifty-six."

"Ok. please. You are a man. I am just asking you a favor. Please. One man to another. Please. If your bathroom there was broken and you needed to use one and you asked me to use mine, I wouldn't have to make sure it was OK with the administrator, I would say, 'Of course, Antonio, I would be happy to do you a favor."

"Sometimes you are gone more than five minutes."

"YOU ARE A FREAK!" I stormed out of the lobby, with my dog.
I told my wife immediately, and she said, "He thinks you're criticizing him, and he's taking it personally."

"Well now I am criticizing him, for being an idiot."

And now I must clean the blue spots off my dog's ass.
ciao for now.
FppInternational

News Haikus 22, BP Spill. The Electric Car

2010-05-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

Can someone please create a reasonable electric car soon?

Exxon still hasn't paid up for the Valdez spill. BP is proving to be BiggerPricks than even Exxon. Dick Cheney shoots old men in the face. Daniel Day Lewis was fucking scary at the end of that movie, in the bowling alley. George W. Bush. Can't we all just agree that if you're into oil you are in the top .0001% of super-cocksuckers who should be killed by an overdose of hot sauce in the lungs. It's 2010, cars should fucking fly, let alone be powered by something other than caveman technology (uhhhh, I don' know, burn shit.). Everyone from Sarah Palin to that fat fuck Rush Limbaugh to George Bush to King Abdullah and the terrorists his country supports to anyone who says global warming isn't real (that mankind has no impact on the earth's climate) to the presidents of BP, and of Exxon to Hugo Chavez to Putin to etc etc etc.....
You lying, manipulative assholes, FUCK YOU!
A HAIKU
Oil Oil Oil Oil Oil
If you profited from it
Drown in it in hell

The Worst. The worst worst worst worst worst.

2010-05-24T15:54:00.000-07:00

Jireh Travel in BQ, and more specifically Jaime Ariza, are/is the worst travel agents in Barranquilla and probably Colombia, and maybe even the world.
I am not joking.
The worst. Agggghhhh!
I don't have the vocabulary to explain how bad this idiot/team of idiots is.
HULK SMASH.

NEVER USE THIS TRAVEL AGENT!

NEVER.

When the revolution goes down and the streets are pooling blood and Jireh Travel has the last ticket out of the warzone, get a camel or a bicycle or a Yaak or some waterwings or a good pair of shoes.
Jaime Ariza is a liar. A lying liar. A lying troll of a liar. He's incompetent and smelly, and I hope he eats something that turns his insides out.
Really.
Right now I hate nobody more than I hate this guy. I have been complaining about him to the school where I work (their official agent) for four years now. I want him drawn, quartered, flayed, buggered, and dipped in sweet and sour sauce.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH.

my wife now hates him too.
And she has to go pick up the tickets from him, because if I go down there, it'll get ugly. Eleanor Roosevelt ugly. Dutchess Margaret of Tyrol ugly. Gheorghe Muresan ugly. ugly.
Travel plans are coming along.

BTW. aren't travel agents all now officially obsolete?

Spring 2010 - L'Ultima Beach Trip

2010-05-22T06:48:00.000-07:00

As time winds down, bags get organized, tickets get purchased, junk gets aligned, furniture gets sold, trips to the beach lose their preeminence, and probably shall not be descried again in these latitudes for a fair bit o time.

So, once more unto the beach, dear friends, once more, or close the wall up with our Gringo dead... dog in tow.

Although it really hasn't made any serious impact on anyone yet, the idea of no longer being able to travel for fifteen minutes to play in the sand and surf any day of the year, is a little disheartening.

I am sure there will plenty of opportunity to sunbathe in January where we are going.

News Haikus 21, Rock of Brain Damage

2010-04-23T19:31:00.000-07:00

Who woulda thunk that CC Deville would NOT have been the first member of poison with bon-a-fide brain damage?
Well, honestly, we don't know that that's not the case, we only know that right now, Bret Michaels is all brain-damaged up, which is too bad if you are his mother or ... ... ... insert cricket noise ... ... ...

Honestly, I have nothing about Bret Michaels. I really couldn't care less. But, as a bald sommbitch, his whole bandana thing is a little tired. Does he shower with the fucking thing? Even Micheal Stipe gave up the ball-caps for a smooth scalp (of course he started wearing dresses and stuff immediately after that).
Anyway, although this is apropos of absolutely nothing preceding it, my pal Chili and I once decided, beyond the shadow of a reasonable doubt, that EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN is the worst song ever recorded in English. and so, Bret Michaels having brain damage is really not news worthy.

So, sorry reality TV, sorry other guys in Poison, sorry CC Deville, your muse is now wondering how to get that pesky square peg in that round hole. Are you really surprised?

Haiku...
Damn glam rock suckers
Who will defend our spandex
rights at old folks home?

News Haikus 20. The Damned Swiss Again

2010-04-21T17:31:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while, but I have been preoccupied with repairing the damage of the damned Swiss.

Just when I thought it was safe to be a Swiss-American, Ben Roethlisberger goes and molests a woman, again.
Damn it, Ben, some of us are still living with the stigma of the Grimm-Hoffmann Affair, WWII Nazi banking, fruity panted dudes guarding the Pope's digs, and Renee Zelleweger.

Now we got this jackass to deal with. I tell, ya, folks, the Germans, Japanese, Americans, and French got it easy. This joker's antics have made the Swiss the most hated people on earth. Thank God we've still got those little red knives everyone needs.

By the way, speaking of the Pope guys, as soon as I'm not employed by the Catholics, it's time for a papal/boy haiku.

Now give the Seahawks their 2006 superbowl rings, goddammit.

HAIKU...
Big Ben, a true gem,
Has been getting fan mail and
Thank you's from Kobe.

What a Long Slow Month It's Been

2010-03-13T08:18:00.000-08:00

Actually, that's not so true.
The post-carnival malaise of life in BQ has been absolutely digestible, tasting of lemon-square cookie/cake bars and featuring some serious clicks in the upward direction temperature-wise.
I know very little about global warming, other than it is a pain-in-the-ass, and nowhere is this more true that BQ.

It's really getting hot here.

A few things have been happening though in the last few months which have virtually nothing to do with the weather.

First of all, Gio had hisself a birthday, which we celebrated out in a vacation pad halfway between BQ and Cartagena. Nobody enjoyed it quite like Dinky, as nobody else really fancies the thrill of chasing after coconuts.

Secondly, my best bowling pal from the Tamba-Cho days, Bryan, and his beautiful Minnesotan/Texan wife, Dana, came to Colombia for a few days; so, we went bowling, of course, and then went to Cartagena, where there is no bowling, but there are mustachioed tin men in yellow-lit plazas.

Speaking of Tamba-Cho bowling here's a blast from the past from JJ's Club in Kyoto. One and a half stars-worth!

Finally, it's getting hot. Hot I say. Hot. And the Huskies just won the Pac-10 championship and are on to the dance. GO DAWGS!

stay cool, out there, enjoy your daylight saved.
Kisses
FPPInternational

Captains Carnaval

2010-02-14T11:17:00.000-08:00

Once again, Carnavals have arrived full force in BQ.

Which means, among other things, chaos, chaos and more chaos...

This year, I must admit, for the editors at FPPInternational, the flesh is willing, but the spirit is weak, and few events have been attended and even fewer given attention. Are we getting too damn old for this silliness?

News Haikus # 19, Conan the Destroyer

2010-01-31T14:03:00.000-08:00

Five years ago, when the head offices of FPPInternational we still FPPDomestic and based in NYC, some pals came to the big apple for a visit. A whole bunch a touristy shit was seen and done and, among other things, we four Washatonians (spelling?) agreed that a trip to see the Conan O'Brien Late Night show would be a cool way to kill an afternoon. He was, and I think still is, our hands-down fave talkshow host (if I can speak for Chili, Strando and The Weatherman--That's them there, in NYC).

Anyway, we got into studio and watched the taping of an episode. It was a good time, and although freakishly tall, thin, pale and coifed, Conan seemed a true class act.

Lately the shakeup at NBC has proved that estimation correct, and the estimation that his late-night rival Jay Leno is a complete douchebag. Anyway, The staff here at FPPInternational are collectively saddened at the end of Conan's tenure at the Tonight Show and we swear we will never ever watch a minute of The Tonight Show with Leno, unless Neil Young is on there singing a duet (triet?) with Willie Nelson and Elvis Presley.

Seems I am not the only one. Other folks think Jay's a fuckstick as well. Check out Jimmy Kimmel...

So, until then, adios Tonight Show, Johnny Carson's empire is now a shitty little G-rated monkey show featuring a whiny, Buick-jawed turd....

Haiku...
Spin, spin Johnny. I
Hope Ed is drunk, 'cause Tonight
Will never be worse.

Digital Malaise

2010-01-23T07:52:00.000-08:00

We offer you our sacrifice, Oh Holy Techno-splat...

A final comment on the January 2010 Adventure in Southern Colombia...So. The trip to the Amazon over, we mounted our 737 to get back home....But not before realizing that neither of our cameras would work anymore.

That's right. After wrestling with four TRONEX batteries purchased in Leticia before heading into the jungle (I swear TRONEX was all they had at the "supermarket" in Leticia. I wasn't just being a cheap-ass), which didn't ever power up the camera long enough to get a picture, after all the events were catalogued, both of our camera completely pooped out, at roughly the same minute, and to this day neither of them will start up, and that's using non-TRONEX batteries. So, our adventure complete, it seems that the gods of digital digitalosis decided to punish or reward us for our sins or virtue.

Either way, we're gonna have to get ourselves some fancy schmancy new picture taking device.

Hope all is well,
Kisses,
Fpp

BTW...Carnivals arrived in BQ this last week in the shape of a drunken old lady using a vacuum cleaner bag as luggage. The mayhem is thick in the air like carrot cake.

Hearts of Darkness in the Southern Hemisphere, Days IV and V

2010-01-21T03:08:00.000-08:00

Polishing off our Amazon adventure meant a leisurely stroll through the Jungle, checking out trees, plants, bugs, animals, and air that can kill you.

The return trip to Leticia was uneventful, and really really slow

The final movement in our Super-southern adventure was to go canopying with our best friends, 300,000 mosquitoes. It was a nice little capper and we got back to our hotel, showered up and left the Amazon for more familiar climes. So long to the Jungle. Back to work. etc. etc. etc.

Sorry about the lack of audio here, you will have you find your own, inner Sammy Hagar.

News Haikus 17. The Haitian Spin

2010-01-15T04:56:00.000-08:00

Sorry to actually post something from these idiots, but...

O'Reily wants to know what China has donated. The Chinese were the first nation to respond when this thing went down. They had aid workers on the ground in Haiti in hours, beating the American response team by about an hour. I am not saying the Chinese are the greatest things since sliced pie, but why does everything with these dipshits (O'Reilly & Rush, not the Chinese) have to boil down into a contest ending with "America beats everyone, but Obama still apologizes to the world?"

Ah, Rush, you make O'Reilly look sane. "Three days. And when he came out, after those three days, he was clearly irritated that he had to do it. He didn't want to do it."

or "He lives for serving those in misery."
How in the hell did a bastard who helps people in need ever get elected President of the United States?

Something Rush doesn't seem to get...
What Exactly was Obama supposed to say about a failed plane bombing? What he supposed to threaten to find the rest of the guy's pants and burn them too? The Christmas pants-burning terrorist attempt was OVER within seconds. There's not much a US President can do once the event is already over.
Rush and his cronies seem to like presidents who make grandiose statements about stuff they can do nothing about (see George W. Bush), instead of presidents who respond to events that can be responded to. Anyone remember Katrina? Remember Bush's 'response'?
No one was in danger of being blown up from the Nigerian pants burner two minutes after he tried to blow up the plane, which leads me to believe that some knee-jerk response to such an event is ineffectual, unnecessary and probably, way too late anyway; whereas, people are still in the rubble down there in Haiti (up there for the staff at FPPInternational), and this merits a timely response.

And, by the way, how nations respond to calamities can be checked...

And, by the way, Haiti isn't the only natural disaster in recent times, check out Cuba on this one, and Djibouti, they offered 50,000 bucks to Katrina relief. Djibouti. They don't have $50,000.

And from even deeper down the nutjob tank

My favorite line there is "They got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you, if you get us free from the French.' True story. And the Devil said, 'Ok.'"

HAIKU:

Rush Responding to
Haitian 'quake is like a Don
Rickles Eulogy.

Hearts of Darkness in the Southern Hemisphere, Day III

2010-01-14T06:19:00.000-08:00

The Adventure in the Amazon continues with a morning paddle into the shiznit. The guide said, "we're going to go look at some lilly pads." Awesome. Lilly pads. Ok. Whatever, it's early and I just ate a bunch of eggs. I'll go look at some Lillypads. Lillypads were the least of what we saw.

Nothing says "wake up and breathe in the morning freshness," like fire ants and screaming monkeys.

FPPInternational Sports editor LaFlaca was good enough to shoot some footage of me paddling us through the jungle, and I was good enough to paddle. And since my Sony Vegas software went kerplunk and stopped working about six months ago, I edited some of the video and pics together using a trial version of a piece-of-crap software that I downloaded. I did not care for the program at all, but I did like the little video, so I uploaded it, even though it has that goofy title "purchase now" BS throughout.

Really, though, this was one cool paddling adventure, unlike anything else I have ever done. The sense of being absolute away from everything that one knows is positively thick in the air. Alice never made it this far into Wonderland and the Mad Hatter would have been positively aghast and in a tizzy, rabbits and cats being the least of his concerns.

Bienvenidos alla jungla.

After the paddle back to the pad and a lunch of fish (of course), we went out and caught some piranha, using little cubes of beef on hooks on sticks with four feet of fishing line on them. The deadly little buggers flipped around in the boat like farts in skillets (to quote my grandmother) and were consumed at dinner.

The vicious little monsters have virtually no meat on em at all. But eating a piranha is like reading "The Most Dangerous Game" with a class of eighth graders. General Zaroff's bed is indeed soft and we do not remember having ever had better digestion.

Hearts of Darkness in the Southern Hemisphere, Days 1 and 2

2010-01-11T14:34:00.000-08:00

For the first time since 2001, The editorial staff at FppInternational hopped over the equator.

To celebrate the new decade, the FPPInternational jokers voyaged into the dark netherlands of Colombia, the Amazon. But the Amazon is a monster, you say, where oh where did the FppInternational staff venture to? Worry not, intrepid readers, in Colombia, your Amazon choices are pretty damn limited. If one examines the little map here, a handy trapezoid bugger hanging off the bottom of the country will be observed. That, my friends, is the Colombian river-front property on the Amazon. And that is where we went.In doing so, we actually spent most of our time in Peru and a snippet in Brazil. But we were never officially anywhere but Colombia, and man did we see some jungle stuff. In fact, the editors at FPPInternational are almost 100% in agreement that the Amazon is the single coolest thing in Colombia, if not in South America.

Day one involved getting into Leticia, via Aires and Bogota, getting ahold of some amigos, planning the next four days, and getting some sleep. All this foolishness was accomplished and on the morning of January 7th, we yumped our little yimmities onto a little wooden craft and took off on a three hour tour into the jungle, and out to our new digs.

The ride on the boat was very cool, then very very cool, then downright amazing.

You know where you are? You're in the jungle baby, and you're gonna take some pictures.

We arrived at our pad

and had some lunch and met our pals. Then, after an hour's siesta went out on the river for a little swim in the big brown and some dolphin spotting.

"Dolphins?" you say, "On the amazon?"
You're damn skippy.

The river is absolutely rife with dolphins, both gray and pink. And FPPInternational sports editor La Flaca, was simple gaga over the slipperly porpoises and their sunset antics.

However, the little buggers were sure hard to catch on film, especially when the batteries in camera 1 were completely depleted. That's Ok, more tomorrow.

Aires II-IV, The Other Flights and Capital-City Capers

2010-01-11T14:09:00.000-08:00

All right, so the Aires folks treated us badly on the way to Bogota, but would their nefarious dealings with team FPPInternational.com persist? For the answers to this and other Bogota related questions please keep reading

Ok. So the first flight was a bit of a pain-in-the-ass. Aires, however, did recover their reputation a bit.

Flight II, Bogota to Leticia...
This one I love. Tuesday night in Bogota, after our Embassadorial Adventure, La Flaca got a text message on her phone saying the following day's (Wed. Jan. 6) flight to Leticia would be two hours late. The text asked her to call a number which is impossible to call on anything except a home phone for confirming our rez. Eventually, thanks to the helpful staff at Bellissimo Italian Trattoria in Bogota, we were able to get ahold of Aires. After confirming everything for the now 1 pm flight, La Flaca asked, off the cuff, why the flight time was changed. "Weather," the woman said.
wait...
weather?
On a cloudless, breezeless night, weather? Fifteen hours in advance, these people changed a flight because of weather?
That's some serious fucking Doppler.
BTW, the next day at 11am and 1pm, the weather was fine. and the plane was an only an hour late (2 pm). Oh, and we were in the dead-last row this time, not second, and we sure-as-shit didn't exit out the back door this time. Oh, and La flaca's seat didn't have a seatbelt.
Consenus...
Aires Rocks!

For some reason, the flights back were less interesting, and this morning, EARLY this morning, on our Bogota to Barranquilla return-em home flight, we were in the first, yes, you heard right, first row, and the damn thing was on time, and the front door worked, and I was the second guy off the plane.

Home Sweet Home

Kisses
FppInternational

Oh, and as far as Capital City Capers go, after much back-and-forth, and hither-and-thither, The entire staff at FppIntenational is now permitted to enter the United States without a hitch, although features editor Dr. Dinkus Reichlin Phd. will have to mind his damned p's and q's.

The Aire up There.

2010-01-05T13:21:00.000-08:00

A couple months ago, the three major Colombia airlines (in order of size and prestige: Avianca, Aero Republica, and Aires) had a big ol' fare war and we, being dutiful citizens, fired a couple shots ourselves, securing a couple trips BAQ to Bogota in October and BAQ to Bogota to Leticia (the Amazon) in January. Well, it´s January, and after a couple hitches (well, one hitch, the price for changing our dates went from A. free to B. eleven dollars to C. three hundred dollars, in the span of about forty minutes) we finally embarked on journey number two. Journey number one having involved an extra two hours added to our wait in BAQ on the way down.

Anyway, on an oddly foggy January fourth morning we went to the airport to fly to Bogota, the capital of Colombia. Because of the fog, the plane we were waiting for went to Cartagena instead of BAQ. Goddamnit. So, finally, the fog clears, the plane shows up, and our pal Becky gets off of it. She isn´t happy, and wants to go home. We get on the plane.

Have I mentioned that we're meeting friends in the Bogota airport to get some apartment keys so we have some digs for the next two days?

It doesn't matter though, cause the dude with the keys is waiting for our jet, and, because it went to Cartagena, it's about two hours late, again.

So we land in Bogota, everyone is a little irritated with Aires because of the delay, but it's a sunny day and the birds are singing. Then the jackasses at Aires can't figure out how to get that damned gate thing to line up with the door of the plane. We backed up. They tried it again. We went forward again. No dice. Shit! We sat in our little itty bitty seats (Row 2 by the way, the closest I have ever been to being the first SOB off the plane, I was stoked!) for forty minutes. Until finally someone opens the back door and pulls up some stairs and buses us (buses us, seriously, about fifty yards. No shit) to a door. Did I mention that for the first time in my 100 plus flights I was in one of the first two rows and was almost guaranteed to be one of the first ten assholes off the plane? So, Aires fucked that up for me, which is ok, I still have my dreams. To make a sad story short, we arrived in Bogota, unharmed, but still have three flights to go, Bogota to Leticia, Leticia to Bogota, Bogota to Barranquilla, all on Aires. I am expecting to make it home just before Easter.

Kisses from the Colombia Capital,

FppInternational

2010 -- Year of the Dog (Bite)

2010-01-01T09:42:00.000-08:00

So, 2010 started out interestingly enough.

Walking Dinky in the late am, after a pretty uneventful New Year's Eve, the Editor-in-chief of FppInternational was surprised by a red Chow Chow off his leash half a block from corporate headquarters. The owner of this Chow Chow was running after it, yelling. The Chow Chow, named, we found out later, Leon (or Lion in Spanish) ran towards FppInternational features editor Dr. Dinkus Reichlin, Phd. in a manner that suggested Leon wanted to engage in less-than-civil discourse. So, the quick-thinking FppInternational editor-in-chief lifted the features editor into the air, to avoid the hostile canine takeover. Leon, unappreciative of Fpp's move, chomped his cursed teeth into our editor's leg.

So, a trip to the emergency room and a tetanus shot later, all is well at corporate headquarters. And really, isn't this better than a hangover?

Happy New Year, buy some iodine.

BTW... I am writing all cool and stuff now, but Goddamn was I mad at the time. I yelled and swore and made a big amount of ruckus when that damned beast was finally tied down.

Dinky was oblivious to the fact that he almost got mauled by a 60 pound cougar-like monster, and I think he's pissed at me that his morning walk was shortened.

Take care, enjoy your 2010.
Kisses,
FPP

News Haikus 16. Muffed Air Bomb

2009-12-26T14:58:00.000-08:00

Goddamnit. Remember the shoe-bomb guy back in Dec. of 2001? Remember before the shoe bomb guy when going to the airport didn't mean you needed to have clean socks on? That shoe bomb guy was responsible for me having to take my shoes off in the airport.

Now we have this other jackass from Nigeria. And thanks to him now there are other levels of security, longer waits and no moving around the plane when it's zipping about. The New York Times just informed FppInternational of new flight restrictions being initiated by Homeland Security... Things like staying in your seats when the plane is in US airspace.
I have a small bladder, dammit!

No laptops on your laps.
Well what the fuck are they called laptops for?

Anyway, here's my damned Haiku, written above Mexican airspace.

Homeland Security
Playing defence, watching the
layup, then jumping

BTW...If you only have time for one link choose the Nigerian jackass one, it's pretty well done.
BTW2...Forty posts in 2009. Returning from the brink of disaster to bore you all over again.

The Holiday Surf and Sun

2009-12-26T14:20:00.000-08:00

Like past Xmases, we commemorated the re-unification of various idols and the commercial celebration of the populace's ability to spend spend spend by spending the day at the beach.
Same beach, same Xmas.

Only this year, of course, Dinky came along to bark at the water and poop in the sand.

This Xmas has been quite adventureless, what with me having a cold and all, which ain't fun.

The staff at FppInternational would like to officially hope y'all are having a great holiday season and ask you to join us in a prayer to elicit something exciting in the near future for said staff, so these damn posts pick up a little.

Really, how many dog pictures can people look at before there is some sorta bloody revolution?

Join 'em

2009-12-18T18:40:00.001-08:00

If you can't beat 'em, wear the goddamn hat yerself.

No longer battling the dog.

News Haikus 15. Tiger, Buy The Tail.

2009-12-18T17:04:00.000-08:00

One month ago the editors at FppInternational had the following reasons to like Tiger Woods: 1. He's the greatest golfer in the world.
How much "liking" that gets from FppI: .005%. We do not care about golf. We do not care about golfers. It's a boring frustrating game for fat, rich old men.

2. He's a complete corporate whore, shilling everything from Buicks to Nike feces to Anal Lube.
How much "liking" that gets from FppI: .00000001%. He's a class-A douchebag.

Consensus: Fuck Tiger Woods.

Now however, Tiger has become a more, shall we say, interesting character on the world stage. There are now things about him to be liked. For example:
1. From now on when you have a smash up with your rig, you can tell the cops when you'll be willing to talk to them. "Yeah, sure, officer, I would love to come down to the station, but I am playing with my Wii. I'll come along in three or four days with my lawyer to explain why I drunkenly smashed into that Dunkin Doughnuts." Thank you, Tiger. You have established a great president there. I will deal with the authorities now only on my own terms. Awesome.
How much "liking" that gets from FppI: 22%. We can all be Tiger, we can all tell the cops to get bent while we figure out some bullshit exit strategy.

2. Mr. Wholesome Disneyland Gosh and Heck gets to bang cocktail waitresses all over the free world. There's nothing wholesome about me. I get to do some really crazy sick shit with goats and midget trapeze artists from the former Soviet Union
How much "liking" that gets from FppI: 44%. We don't have to worry about anything anymore, not any morality or religious/socially instilled ideas of respect or decency. We get to do whatever the fuck we want as long as we can afford it. Which for the editors at FppInternational means watching Cinemax after 11:45 pm.

Tiger is now up there with Dick Butkus, Lawrence Taylor and Lou Pineda. He's on the fast track to becoming a decent guy.

So, when Tiger was leaving Australia (no doubt after a liason with a Kangaroo cocktail waitress), he was talking about how great his life was and all that. Then, a scant few days later, he's deeply sorry and needs time to consider his actions. SUCH BULLSHIT. He's only sorry he got caught. And got caught like such an asshole too. I hope his wife really beat the crap out of him.

BTW. This Taiwanese thing is awesome beyond description.

HAIKU:

I am rich and known.
I do anyfuckingthing.
Swedish chicks are tough.

Feeling Guilty

2009-12-13T16:12:00.000-08:00

Feeling Guilty about not posting since the Carter administration, FppInternational.com now features back-to-back December posts.

OK.
So, basically the lives of all the employees here at FppInternational have been revolving around one little brown and white thing over the last seven months. No, not Good Luck Fucking that Chicken, nor Driving in Jamaica. Our journalistic lives and integrity are solidly centered on all things Dinky. But just how many goddamn pictures can be taken of a stupid dog?

If my wife has anything to say about it, plenty.

So, we had the brilliant idea of getting either reindeer antlers or a santa hat on Dinky and taking some pictures and sending them out at Christmas time and all that. I don't think the antlers were in the house for 24 hours before they were eaten.
The hat at least made it a couple days, but has yet to actually sit on the sneaky little bugger's cranium.

So, happy holidays, and don't expect too much from Colombia this year, as all gifts are eaten or smashed or peed on by the time they are wrapped.

Kisses
FPPInternational

Holidays 2009, The three-month Blog.

2009-12-12T14:23:00.000-08:00

Ok, kids, like the sequel to Twilight, this post is well worth the wait.

Well, I guess not. Like, New Moon, this post is gonna suck. It seems that three months have come and gone with nary a BQ Gringo event. Our basketball team got beat a bunch, and we didn't dress up for Halloween. We are, however, still alive, and as the holidays approach with their delicious vacation time, the Editors at FPPInternational promise new, exciting and ground breaking news from BQ.
BTW...seems Tiger Woods has a penis that he likes to show off to lotsa girls.
and Micheal Jackson is still dead.

That's all for now.

Fpp

News Haikus #14 .....That Chicken

2009-09-17T18:01:00.000-07:00

I just ran across this in the Huffington Post...

Probably this newsman from the Big Apple is already out of a job. If so, FPPInternational is hiring. Journalistic integrity is such a rarity these days.

the expression on the female newscaster is the greatest thing in the universe.Ernie Anastos is my new favorite guy. More favoriter than Burt Reynolds and Lawrence Taylor combined. Haiku...

Health Care, shmealth Care, who
Cares when we have quotes like, "Keep
Fucking that Chicken."

Just Something, Anything.

2009-09-11T18:48:00.000-07:00

We are still alive here in BQ. Although to call this existence 'life' is to make the phrase "live it up" an apt description for learning grammar. Anyway, although we are not cool or adventurous or exciting or robbing banks or filleting walleye in an autumn windstorm-rocked skiff with a jack-knife, we are alive and recently went to a wedding. We danced at the wedding, which is better than staying at home watching TV. When FPPInternational has some news to report, you'll be the first to know. Michael Jackson is finally underground. It took two months for some reason.

Return to "The Paint"

2009-08-22T17:50:00.000-07:00

Technical difficulties...
So, fifteen months into operation, the handy-dandy twisty-screened little HP notebook with the fancy-schmancy Photoshop on there decided to become a sleek black paperweight. One afternoon the screen went all zippy zappy and La Flaca said, "Hey, the screen's going all zippy zappy."
Computer guy said, "It went all zippy zappy? Hmmm. Lemme look. This thing's toast."
Two weeks later we are back on the old Compaq here, at FPPInternational headquarters, relying on 2004 technology, which can be frightening. This thing was built before the Democrats controlled the house and senate, before Lady Gaga, before any of the seventy-eight thousand Micheal Jackson tributes. So the next few posts will have a very Flintstones-type feel to them, until we can step back into the second half of the first decade of the new millenium. And, maybe most importantly, we are once again using Microsoft's Cro-Magnon standby program Paint to crop the photos. Welcome back, red-eye! God help us all.

Oh yeah, I am back at work. Dinky got a bath today, Amber came back to BQ for a visit, and Hugo Chavez is still ranting about some sorta bullshit next door.

Kisses from the past,

FPPInternational

Dinky is All Grows Up!

2009-07-17T18:30:00.001-07:00

This evening, right as Walter Cronkite was passing, Dinky initiated himself into manhood by humping La Flaca's sister's leg a couple times.

Now, only hours later, he drinks beer and picks his nose and wears Hawaiian shirts. Man, dogs advance so much faster than humans. There wasn't even a Harry Potter-reading age.

by the way, that's my sweatsock over there by the sofa

adios, puppihood.

Jamaica III, Ghosts in the Machines

2009-07-09T06:04:00.000-07:00

Man, that Derrick Harriott's got some rockin' tunes. Three times through that Cd, Joe and I listened, while slowly, determinedly, unerringly making our way to Negril on the morning of the 24th. But that story's already been told. So, here we are, in Jamaica, land of the Rastas, Jerk chicken, Bob Marley, Ganga, shitty roads, and white sand beaches.

After all that could be said was said, and after all that could be done was done, we decided enough was enough and it was high time to get back to where we once belonged. Along with Andy, in a relatively matching Yaris, La Flaca and I made for the north coast, dropping Amberlicious at the Montego Bay Aereopuerto at five-o-nothing am, guided by our handy Shell-Station map, while Andy trusted his handy GPS unit (which loved advising little detours, for sightseers, it seems). We crossed the northern coast of Jamaica, west to east with nary a hitch, finally landing in Ocho Rios, which read to be a little resort town. Unbenownst to us, Ocho Rios is a MAJOR little resort town, being a cruise-ship stop. The place was positively thick with tourists and inordinately expensive hotels. However, we found one (hotel) which proved to be a great deal and spent our last night surrounded by chubby white folks with flowered shirts and socks on under their flip-flops (and drunken college kids).

The drive from Ocho Rios back to Kingston, however, was far more--uhhhhh......--interesting than the drive from Montego bay to Ocho Rios. The trip south involved mountains. And if I thought the drive from Kingston to Negril was adventurous, it was absolutely tame compared to Annotto Bay to Kingston. The road was positively nauseating in its curviness and climbi-and-descendi-ness but was eventually conquered, just in time to make our flight and our escape back to the world where I can insult people in English right in front of them without getting punched in the face.

In panama, La Flaca shopped and I walked up and down the mall. Oh, I bought some guitar strings, too.

News Haikus 17, Strange Suicide Pact?

2009-07-08T19:38:00.000-07:00

This morning pop culture scientists unearthed this photo of Micheal Jackson, Steve McNair and Farrah Fawcett together at a Nashville Applebee's. Coincidence?

Man, Farrah's neck sure don't match her face.

Haiku:

That poor Karl Malden,
If he'd died banging Britney
Spears he'd have made news.

Jamaica II, the Driver's Paradise.

2009-07-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

Jamaica is an Island. It isn't a gigantic Island. There are roads running all around Jamaica. I have driven these roads.

I am pretty sure I have driven a higher percentage of the paved motorways of Jamaica than the paved motorways of any other nation of the world.
In an attempt to make the transition from Kingston airport to the beaches of Negril painless and fun, we rented a Toyota Yaris at the airport in Kingston. This was, and is, a good move.
Since we had wheels and a destination, we informed our pal Joe (flying into Kingston a few hours after us) that we had the wheels and asked if he'd be willing to navigate the way to Negril. (a couple details: 1. La Flaca is very capable and intelligent, but has almost no motoring experience and roughly the same map-reading experience; 2. The guy who owns the house we were to be staying in in Negril responded with horror when I informed him we would be driving from Kingston to Negril. "You'll never make it at night," I think he said.) Anyway, Joe said, hell yes.

Joe's flight got in at 8:0 something or other, so La Flaca and I rented our cool blue Yaris and headed into Kingston, drove around with a map a homeless guy gave us at a gas station and eventually had lunch, missed the closing time of the Bob Marley museum, bought some Cd's for the trip and did a little sight-seeing in Kingston (there is precious little to see, by the way). We also got some cash to fascilitate all that other stuff. It literally took us an hour driving around to find a working cash machine. When we did, I was very happy, got inside, inserted my Colombian cash card and viola, the system was 100% operational, except for one thing, I had no goddamned idea what the exchange rate was, nothing, not an inkling. I didn't even know what the currency was called, pounds, dollars, drachma, rubles, no fucking idea here.
So, faced with the question of "how much cash you want, mon," and not a single option on the screen, I dialed in 500.00 and waited. Three seconds later, bang, 500 Jamaican bucks. All right. I walked back to the car with a feeling of triumph. Once we were driving again, La flaca asked me, "How much did you get?"
"500 bucks," I replied.
"Wow," she said. "Either I just saw some really expensive flip-flops, or you got basically nothing." I wasn't crushed, but it had been a lot of work for six bucks. To make a short story short, we got some more cash, after talking to a nice woman who worked at a bank and we ate our first jerk chicken, listened to the cd of the guy who's face was on LaFlaca's new tank top, and headed to the airport for the 8:00 Joe pickup.
The drive to the airport was completely uneventful, and then we saw the great news that flights out of Miami/Ft. Lauderdale were all being delayed due to weather. We decided to hang around, and around and around. And, once again, to make a short story short, at around 11:30pm, Joe exited the airport with a guard, and explained that he could leave the airport if we could tell him the name and address of the house we were staying at in Negril. I guess that mattered to them.

At 11:58 pm, we hit the road, and we got the hell out of Kingston. At Spanishtown, thirty minutes later, we wondered what the hell all the caution was about, the roads were big, well-lit, fast, and very clear. At Sandy Bay, thirty minutes later, we were both sure we were lost, having mysteriously left the main road. However, with the aid of our new, trusty Shell road-map and the map light of the trusty Yaris, and our two Cd's (Buju Banton's Rasta Got Soul, and Derrick Harriott's Checkin' Out the Hits), we discerned that the itty-bitty, windey, unlit, sometimes single-lane piece of blacktop was indeed the main southern route from Kingston to Negril. Holy Hell. Luckily for LaFlaca, she slept, or feigned sleep, 80% of the five hours we were on the road.

Finally, to, for the last time, make a short story short, we got to our house in Negril as the sun rose, although a policeman had to call the owner of the house and take us there, as we had NO idea where in Negril we were staying.

Thus, the first leg of our trek around Jamaica ended, and we slept, for a couple hours, in the dewy dawn of Negril, thankful that we were done driving, giving no consideration to the return trip.

ttfn,
fpp

Jamaica I. The Reason for the Season.

2009-07-03T16:38:00.000-07:00

All right, crackers (and others), we just got our pretty little selves back from Jamaica, which is an island somewhere in the south pacific. It is where Renoir went to paint Polynesians during his Blue period, which is the period immediately before sudden death.

We went there to ride the trail of Lewis and Clark and also to see Brad and Sarah get themselves hitched. Although no one in our party speaks fluent Jamaican, we are relatively sure the wedding really went down. Which is nice, 'cause now they can have sex and kids, and buy a noisy damned dog.

Anyway, Negril was the destination, Brad and Sarah the invitation, their nuptials the occasion, and being all Jamaica-y mellow and throwing around Respect fistpumps the justification.

The management and staff here at FPPInternational would like that extend a big 'ole thanks to brad and sarah for the invite and a bigger 'oler congrats to their sealing of the deal.
many happy returns.

more jamaican adventures to come.

ciao for now.

The Last Chiva

2009-06-14T09:02:00.000-07:00

Chiva season has finally ended, and the gringoes, knowing nothing more than how to follow directions, embarked on yet another adventure in the night on a bus with some rum after a soiree uhhhh prepositional phrase #6.

I love chivas. It is so easy to blog a chiva. bus riding with drunk people all over town, dancing. beer. rum. cheap street food. strange goings on. fun stuff.

At one point Leslie borrowed my camera and took better pictures with it than I have ever taken, which makes me feel more inadequate than usual, and that's saying something.

News Haikus 16, Il's Science Experiment

2009-05-25T11:03:00.001-07:00

It seems our Korean pal Kim Jung Il has been playing with his science set in the basement, blowing shit up.

From the NY Times

North Korean Nuclear Claim Draws Global Criticism

SEOUL, South Korea — News of North Korea's nuclear test on Monday drew condemnation and criticism around the world, with some governments threatening to press for tighter sanctions at a special meeting of the United Nations Security Council scheduled for later in the afternoon.
...
Hours after the latest test, the North test-fired three short-range, surface-to-air missiles, an official at the South Korean defense ministry said. The three missiles were launched toward the sea between North Korea and Japan and had a range of 80 miles, the official said, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss the matter with the media. They were fired from two bases not far from the nuclear test site in northeast North Korea, he said.

Haiku:
Japanese folks must
wonder when someone else will
finally get nuked

Swine Flu Pandemic? News Haikus 15

2009-05-16T07:11:00.001-07:00

Having nothing of serious note to report, the trusted information disseminators at the major news networks have decided to bring up the bird flu again, and COMPARE it to the swine flu. If people stop panicking over something stupid. Make it more stupid. Just keep the dumb bastards scared. I am starting to think that whoever-it-is that manufactures those cool paper masks that people in China and Michael Jackson wear has some major-league lobbying power.

From ABC News....

Swine Flu vs. Bird Flu: Which Is the Greater Pandemic Threat?

As health officials around the globe continue to monitor the swine flu outbreaks that have occurred within the past month, comparisons with the periodic bird flu outbreaks over the past decade are difficult to avoid. Seems that some sorta cage match is called for, if you ask me.

Haiku:

When more folks have swine
flu than arena football
season tick's, panic!

THe Dinky Cronicles II, Bath Day

2009-05-16T06:54:00.000-07:00

My wife now has everything she's ever dreamed of.
1. Nice Pad
2. Perfect Husband
3. World Peace
4. Well Mannered Puppy

Wait. My wife has one of those things. Our apartment is nice.
I think on day one, a week ago, she thought she was halfway there (having abandoned any hope for numbers 2 and 3). I am sure that now, even she, the patient, puppy-loving softy that she is, has come to consider cane-cide. Dr. Dinkus is truly an asshole.

There is nothing so relaxing on a Saturday morning as waking up at six thirty to a crying bedpost-biting dog, walking through a maze of five urine puddles and two poop-bombs in order to clean up the puddles and bombs with news-paper and then mop the floor, all while being bitten on the ankles by the one responsible for the poop and pee, which is being cleaned up. Then the mop is attacked. Then the ankles again. His little itty-bitty teeth sure are cute.

Ah, domestic bliss.

Retribution came in the form of giving Dinky his first bath, which, of course, he did not enjoy.

Domestication

2009-05-11T14:08:00.000-07:00

I guess 2009 is the year I really, finally, completely moved on from College-aged Fpp.
Getting married was the first step, I guess. I brought the second step home yesterday morning, Mother's day, actually. Making La Flaca a mother, of sorts.

This is Dr. Dinkus Reichlin, PhD.

Bring on the kids and mortgage. Drive the nails in the coffin, anyone.

The Worker's Celebrate. Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum

2009-05-03T17:23:00.000-07:00

Colombia, like many other countries, celebrates the day of the working man (or woman) on May 1. And is there, really, any better way to demonstrate our solidarity with the plight of the world's workers than by dressing up as pirates, boarding an old sailing ship, drinking rum and mooning a Scientologist cruise ship?

The answer, obviously, is hell no! So we did just that. The entire Colombian community of gringoes appeared from parts as distant as Bogota, Bucaramanga, San Diego, and Santa Marta, nearly all in some goofy get-up. The editors of this fine instrument of reportage did their damnedest as well, although somewhat stretching the modern interpretation of "pirate," I think.

When the timer on the scoreboard finally sounded the end of the fourth quarter, the game had been won, and won handily, by team gringo. Most people made it back to beds. Daybreak met the unshaven, unruly, unkempt crew too early, but riders were arranged and people made it home okay, although it had begun to rain. So the dry season is over in BQ. Let the arroyo assault begin anew.

Feliz day of the Trabajador, amigos.
FPPInternational

NEWS HAIKUS #14, DIAL C FOR CRAIGSLIST

2009-04-29T04:10:00.000-07:00

From The Seattle Times

Arrest over Craigslist sex-and-death ad

A Craigslist ad seeking a woman willing to have sex and be killed led police to arrest a Kent man when he showed up at a hotel with a length of chain and a knife.

I have always found Craigslist low-tech approach kinda creepy, like a really cheap porn magazine. Reading the article, the detail that I liked the most was that the ad was found in an area called "Casual Encounters." Wow. What the hell kinda requests do people post in "Intense Encounters?" Haiku:

Poor John Wayne Gacy,
You wore that clown suit thirty
years pre - internet.

Bogota Dreams 2

2009-04-19T06:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, ten days have passed since the editors at NewsCorp returned to the sunny environs of BQ from the rain-soaked chill of The Capital.

There is very little to note other than the frequency and diversity of diversions engaged-in by the editors. A couple nice moments: (1) Hailing a cab in The Candelaria, in an attempt to go bowling. When CDVeston explained where the bowling alley was, in what part of town, the cabdriver replied, "I won't take my car down there at night." Hmmmmmm, is bowling really necessary? Nonetheless, we bowled, CDVeston besting yours truly for the high score. (In defense of my less-than-stellar performance, I must inform that the floor was just too sticky, and my shoes really really smelled bad).

So bowling, great. Also, (2) the food we had at the bowling alley merits comment. It was a giant platter covered with grilled beef and chicken, french fries, boiled little round potatoes, patacones, popcorn, and, underneath it all, we were to discover, lettuce. It wasn't too bad, as long as one didn't eat the beef. Plus, for me anyway, there's something a tad grungy about eating food while periodically sticking three of one's fingers in holes (in this case the thumb is a finger) that were drilled into a green Lucite (or whatever) sphere some forty years ago, holes that have had more fingers in them than Madonna, in a part of town where cabdrivers refuse to go and where hairy-bellied transvestite prostitutes ply their trade in miniskirts while it coldly drizzles rain onto the dirty street. No-one brought handy-wipes.

We also went bike riding. And hit some museums. You know, tourist stuff.

NEWS HAIKUS LUCKY #13, SOMALI PIRATES

2009-04-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

The only thing on the news that has nothing to do with the Global economic meltdown.

Somali pirates seize another boat from BBC NEWS

Somali pirates have hijacked a tugboat in the Gulf of Aden with 16 crew members on board - 10 of them Italians.

Maritime industry sources say the tug was towing two barges at the time of the attack at 0800 GMT. The crew are said to be unharmed.

When will Chuck Norris
Finally release his "Chuck
Fights the Pirates" film?

Bogota Dreams 1

2009-04-09T09:54:00.000-07:00

For spring break, the editors of FppInternational made a pilgrimage to the capital city. The mountain holdout was invaded by a plethora of BQers past and present and the spirit of the Port of Gold was delivered into the storied crumbling majesty of the Candelaria.

Although the trip started with a massive whimper, the fun out of the sun overtook the disaster of the diplomats and all went, eventually, well.
Museums were visitied, and parks and famous site stuff and churches and Dunkin Doughnuts and a nutty meat palace.

All in all, the trip was a rocking great beginning to the most recent April, And the Editors at FppInternational have become converts to the pleasures of cold, rainy weather. More to come.

Fpp

News Haikus #12, The Final Frontier, Space Dormrooms

2009-03-31T07:40:00.000-07:00

Seems that finally we are preparing some really cool future stuff.
Mapping the Human Genome. BFD.
Finding alternative fuels. Ho fucking Hum.
A possible cure for cancer. Pass the potatoes.
Getting ready to send people to Mars for some stupid-assed reason. Yeah, baby!

From the NY Times

Staying Put on Earth, Taking a Step to Mars

By MICHAEL SCHWIRTZ

Published: March 30, 2009

MOSCOW — On Tuesday, six people will be voluntarily locked into a cloister of cramped, hermetically sealed tubes woven inside a Moscow research facility the size of a high school gymnasium. They will eat dehydrated food, breathe recycled air and be denied conversation with practically everyone else but one another.

Let's see goofy space
dudes kill each other off. Ah,
living in isolation

Pink......................Slip. Pink...............Slip. Pink .....Slip. Pink Slip.

2009-03-14T08:50:00.001-07:00

Grover selling apples on the street for 5 cents.

To hell with GM, Bear Stearns, and Lehman Bros. The global economic crisis has finally hit us all where we live. The folks that taught us all to count to twenty in Spanish are feeling the crunch.

From the Chicago Sun-Times:

Recession forcing layoffs at Sesame Workshop

March 12, 2009

BY ASSOCIATED PRESS

NEW YORK---- The crisis on Wall Street is plaguing Sesame Street. Sesame Workshop, the nonprofit producer of "Sesame Street" and other kids' programs, is cutting about one-fifth of its work force because of the economic downturn.

The New York-based company said Wednesday that it's eliminating 67 of 355 staff positions.

Declaring it is "not immune to the unprecedented challenges of today's economic environment," the company pronounced a need "to operate with fewer resources in order to achieve our strategic priorities."

Haiku:
No marketable
skills, Grover's dealing powdered
sugar like it's smack.

Two questions:
1. What kind of fucking language is "...to achieve our strategic priorities" for sesame street?
2. Which Muppet will make the most money as a crack-addled prostitute?

News Haikus #8, & #9, Earth Crap & bonus, More Space Crap

2009-03-12T18:15:00.000-07:00

Big news of the day, from the New York Times,

Madoff Goes to Jail After Guilty Pleas to All Charges

When Bernard L. Maddoff entered a federal courtroom in Manhattan on Thursday to admit that he ran a vast Ponzi scheme that robbed thousands of investors of their life savings, he was as elegantly dressed as ever. But, preparing for jail, he wore no wedding ring — only the shadowy imprint remained of one he has worn for nearly 50 years.
Make an exception.
Let broke investors take turns.
Kill by paper cuts.

By the way, it seems Gordon Gecko was wrong, greed don't seem so good anymore.

bonus...

From National Geographic News.

Seems that the folks aboard in ISS (international space station) had to evacuate in order to avoid some space junk about half and inch in diameter, which, traveling at 25,000 miles per hour or so, would make a pretty mess.Space Station Evacuated Due to "Red" Debris Threat

Anne Minard for National Geographic News

March 12, 2009

International Space Station crew members put the station on autopilot and evacuated to a space "life raft" briefly on Thursday to escape bombardment by a shower of debris.

In the end, the debris passed the space station without incident. But the evacuation provided a rare test of one of the plans to get the crew to safety if the station is struck.

Imagine, billions
gone if a coconut-size
thing happened along.

News Haikus # 7, Good Old Rush, Spreading the Word

2009-03-02T18:30:00.000-08:00

Limbaugh Misquotes Constitution During CPAC Speech

from the Huffington Post

During his much-discussed keynote address at the Conservative Political Action Conference on Saturday, Rush Limbaugh accused Barack Obama of pursuing the "bastardization of the U.S. Constitution."

It was one of the more politically acidic notes in a speech defined by rambling political assaults. But the conservative talk show host wasn't exactly standing on firm footing. Just a few moments earlier he himself had actually -- not theoretically -- "bastardized" the Constitution by confusing it with the Declaration of Independence.

Rush, if the pills can
impede your heart attack, switch
to beer, you fat fuck.

Movie Fun

2009-03-01T16:16:00.000-08:00

First of all, let me begin this post by mentioning that I do not even remember the movie the editors at NewsCorp went to this weekend. Something with Wolverine in it, I think. Anyway, the movie was not the coolest thing in the movies. As is frequently the case, the main attraction at "Blah Blah Blah" starring Wolverine without any steel claws extruding from the backs of his hands, was not the film itself, but the depth of weirdness that one can experience in a typical BQ theater.

We bought our tickets--after some line-cutting hy-jinks by the locals--and went to get some seats. I bought the Popcorn while LaFlaca went to save the seats, a move which wasn't necessary as we were two of literally five people in the joint, and I came in after the trailers had already begun.

So, fifteen minutes into the movie, two more people came in, and sat right in front of us, exactly, boom, bing, bang, right in front of us, in a fully empty theater. Ok, stadium seating, good angle, no hats, no turbans. No problem.

So, fifteen minutes later, Ewan McGregor is having sex or something--on screen--and a small family comes in and sits, I shit you not, immediately behind us, immediately, boosh, bish, bash, right behind us. Ok, no problem. Not too loud let, but here they are.

So, I'm watching the sex scenes in my little Hollywood blockbuster. Then, once there is no more nudity, I turn to my beautiful wife to whisper something dramatic and romantic, and POW, PING PANG the filthy sonofabitch sitting behind us has his grimey Goddamn naked feet on the top of her seat-back, touching her miscellaneous hairs. UGH. I don't know the correct word to type here. Fucking Disgusting.

So, I move my little family to other seats (telling the guy how disgusting he is during the move, to which he was completely disinterested)
Luckily for me, the movie wasn't Cassablanca, as I spent the rest of it staring daggers at this disgusting pig. That's when I noticed that he didn't have an arm, at least not an arm facing us. Then I felt bad. Wow, maybe this dude has no arms, And I just called him an uneducated, disgusting pig for putting his stinking feet on my wife's head. Maybe that's all he could do to keep the digits he eats with off the movie theater floor. Hmmmmm, Bad Fpp.

Then his phone rings. And he answers it. With a hand. Ha! OK! Good! So he has at least one hand and no excuse for putting his stinking fucking feet on my wife. I no longer felt bad. I wanted to throw stuff at him while he was on on the phone for two reasons 1. 'cause he was on his phone in a movie theater and 2. 'cause, with his one arm busy, he would have a real hard time dodging the thrown missiles.

Anyway, lesson learned. One arm is not a good enough excuse to put your gnarly feet anywhere near me or my wife's heads.

Oh, by the way, he took another call during the movie and MADE one himself, cementing his status as cool-ass dude.

news haikus # 6 Buffalo Man Decapitates Wife

2009-02-24T17:27:00.000-08:00

It seems that a husband in buffalo got really tired of dealing with his wife. So, with a sword, he chopped her head from her body. first of all, who keeps a sword around the house?

Buffalo Man Accused of Decapitating Wife

Police identified the victim as Aasiya Z. Hassan, 37. Detectives have charged her husband, Muzzammil Hassan, 44, with second-degree murder. Muzzammil Hassan told police that his wife was at his business, Bridges TV, on Thorn Avenue in the village. Officers went to that location and discovered her body. Muzzammil Hassan is the founder and chief executive officer of Bridges TV, which he launched in 2004, amid hopes that it would help portray Muslims in a more positive light.

my favorite aspect of this is that the dude's entire business was centered around doing what he could to portray Muslim Americans as moderate, patient, thoughtful people who would never blow up a plane.

Hassan thinks OJ
a pussy. I mean c'mon,
man. Head still attached?

Stache Battle, Flower Battle

2009-02-22T10:29:00.000-08:00

Carnivals are finally fully upon us, and I get a nice four-day weekend.
To kick things off, Friday night we had the long-anticipated moustache showdown.
When the kids from Santa Marta walked through the door to compete, I knew my chances were slimmer than Iggy Pop.

The fertile soil of Departamento Magdalena grows some fierce 'staches!

Luckily for the local boys, Style and Presentation points counted, and although I didn't place anywhere near the hardware, local pimp T-Norm, kept the gold in BQ for at least another year. I am happy to report that although I recieved no where near the number of votes i needed for third place, I was pelted with a bra during my presentation, a bra that was not thrown by my wife. so the Sam Elliot look, although not a prize winner, is still a fave with the honeys.

So, that ended all right. Then comes the first Major Carnival Parade the Batalle de Flores. That's right, the battle of the flowers. None of us has any idea what that means.

The gringoes purchased enough tickets to occupy three mini-placos down on via Cuarenta and started purchasing water and beer in the oppressive heat. the fun just came to us. Nothing too crazy happened, although we almost got into a fight with a whole passel of folks over some rum. Man, sobriety is wasted on the sober. No one was killed, no one was maimed, everyone walked home alive and dragging ass. Tomorrow is the third parade, the Fantasia (which I hope I don't have to translate) and more posts to follow. Until then, this if Fpp of NewsCorp, saying, Stay cool.

News Haikus 5, Further News from Detroit

2009-02-18T03:06:00.001-08:00

This front page story of the NY times, internet edition was graced with a photo of a bitchin 1976 Trans Am.

Not to be outdone:

Automakers Seek $14 Billion More in Aid

G.M. to Cut 47,000 Jobs; Chrysler Plans to Slash 3,000

By BILL VLASIC and NICK BUNKLEY

General Motors and Chrysler promised to make further cuts, in hopes of lightening their bloated cost structures amid a dismal market for new car sales.

Seems like lotsa dough
To fire them folks. Why not just
slash Wagoner's pay?

Santo Tomas, Carnaval

2009-02-15T05:33:00.000-08:00

An hour or so outside of BQ, past the airport, more or less on the banks of the Rio Magdalena, sits tranquil little St. Tomas. a pueblo that harbors no ill-will toward any man, or gringo.
So we went there to celebrate whatever it is we are celebrating, and St. Tomas was conquered. Amberlicious poured herself into an honorary position as a member of the A-Team, replacing Triple-A Allen as the only skirt on the team.

We also kept the tattoo-man's business afloat for another week, as all got ink done, in an attempt to appear tougher than we really are.

Maizena was thrown, rum consumed, and hats made from garbage bags purchased.

See you again, next year, under the watertower, a couple sandy streets up from the river, over there where that guy has those hats and that other guy is selling the beer kept cold in brown water.
adios, St. Tom

Stashe Wars

2009-02-15T05:15:00.001-08:00

Not since the heady days of the early '80s, when Burt Reynolds was a major Hollywood star and Tom Selleck's nut-hugger shorts were all the girls could talk about in the secretarial pool, has there been a 'stache war like we got going on here in BQ.

Any Gringo worth his weight in paper-towels is allowing the fur to fill the lip. Volume is not the goal. Winner will be crowned in a week. Sleaze quotient determines winner.

So place your bets and let your thoughts drift back to the days of Stroker Ace and Quarterflash, to Simon and Simon and My Little Pony. Viva la Stache!

Hey, Rocky, Guach Me Pull a Rabbit Outa My Hat!

2009-02-14T07:37:00.001-08:00

Ah, Carnival season.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the... . scratch that. It wasn't the age of wisdom at all, foolishness reigned, as always.

The combined forces of NEWSCORP. CIA, went out into the world last night to witness the BQ Carnaval (Carnival, for you english speakers) in all its splendor last night. The Guacherna rolled through the streets on greasy, sausage-lubricated wheels, only to disrail the hopes and dreams of a people.

What basically happened was this. Fpp & La Flaca went out to 44th street to find a nice place with relatively good visibility to watch the last of the pre-carnival, carival parades. We found a spot that seemed adequate. I was more than wary, though, about the middle aged folks directly in front of us, with the shiny shirts and little plastic shot glasses hanging from their necks. I was wise to be wary, as, basically as soon as we sat down, they began shooting 'spuma' at everyone around them. 'Spuma' being some sorta relatively new, personal assault device flown in from china. it's basically foamy soap of some sort in an aerosol can that you spray on people around you, like silly-string but soap, which can build up quite thickly (see pic from three years ago, below)

Anyway, as soon as we sat down, this shit started flying all around us, and we suffered through about three and a half hours of this foolishness before calling it a night. Once again the folks of BQ proved they know how to rock. Carnaval here, at times, seems to me to be only barely holding on to a semblance of whatever Carnaval originally was supposed to be. Now, instead, it is merely an excuse to fuck with everyone around you, for absolutely no reason. An opportunity for the little boy in all of to come out and establish his presence. The problem is this little boy likes to light cats on fire.

News Haikus 3 & 4, Russian Satellites and MIke Phelps

2009-02-11T18:11:00.001-08:00

According to that oh so trusted and respected name in News, Yahoo! News...

2 big satellites collide 500 miles over Siberia

The collision involved an Iridium commercial satellite, which was launched in 1997, and a Russian satellite launched in 1993 and believed to be nonfunctioning. The Russian satellite was out of control, Matney said.

Russian Satellites,
like Russian drunk drivers, are
smashing up space shit.

and today's added bonus...

14-times Olympic gold medal winner Michael Phelps caught with cannabis pipe

By Georgina Dickinson, 01/02/2009

THIS is the astonishing picture which could destroy the career of the greatest competitor in Olympic history.In our exclusive photo Michael Phelps, who won a record EIGHT gold medals for swimming at the Beijing games last summer, draws from a bong.

In the Seventies,
Who cared if Spitz smoked weed?
Get a 'stache, Phelps, soon.

I have also seen pics of Phelps at a tittie bar and I must admit, I like him better now than when he seemed like any other sparkly-clean-white-bread-boring-Disney-sponsored douche-bag. I don't know why people have to make a deal out of this. He isn't taking steroids, or doping his blood. Hell, I guarantee he isn't FASTER cause he's smoking weed. If anything, someone should give him another medal.

Weekly News Haiku 2, GM layoffs

2009-02-10T07:26:00.000-08:00

According to the New York Times...

DETROIT — General Motors , which must submit a satisfactory r estructuring plan to the government next week to keep billions of dollars in loans, said Tuesday that it would lay off 10,000 salaried workers worldwide this year and reduce pay for those who remain by as much as 10 percent.

Luckily for us,
Cars can be built in Chad, where
Execs will pay zip.
As a side note, sales of the new Camaro (see photo, below) are lagging...

Weekly News Haiku 1. Feb. 2009

2009-02-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

From the NY Times.

MOSCOW — In Moscow to seek financial support, the president of Kyrgyzstan , Kurmanbek Bakiyev , on Tuesday announced that a decision to close a U.S. air base in his country — a decision that will seriously hampe r U.S. efforts in Afghanistan.

article by

By ELLEN BARRY and MICHAEL SCHWIRTZ

Published: February 3, 2009

has inspired this Haiku:

Hey Times editors,
This thirty-eight word sentence
Is just a fragment.

Looks like Putin has reared his head again, this time luring the faithful Kyrgyzstanis away from their rightful US masters. If only someone, some faithful American, someone close by--say, in a state from where Russia can be seen--had been watching Putin, and recording his moves, we could have avoided this tragic strategic loss. pity.

Cartagena and Adios, Amigos

2009-01-25T05:47:00.000-08:00

After a couple days of rest after the nuptials, we took the visiting Gringoes to Cartagena to find my credit card and see some really old buildings.

The trip started off with a detour to the Totumo mud volcano. I have heard of this thing for years and never gone. Luckily, the day we went must have been "take your ____ to the mud volcano"-day, cause it was really crowded. Lots of people in the old mud volcano. Imagine a small swimming-pool/large hot-tub sized pool of gray-thick tepid mud, stuffed with thirty or forty people you do not know or trust, including children, who, worldwide, pee in swimming pools.

We had sweet sweet showers as soon as we got to Cartagena, but the grit got into places a toothbrush and some lava (soap) could not reach.

After that, cartagena time, and playa blanca, before everyone boarded planes and escaped, unscathed, to the land of milk, honey and a freezing winter. Thanks for coming down, folks, see you soon. safe trips.

Fpp

Short, Long

2009-01-15T11:28:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess the long and short of it is that I recently got hitched, which has nothing to do with a skiboat. On saturday, in a relatively friendly takeover, La Flaca Global CIA., SA. and FPPInternation Media Enterprises merged to form the new Pan-American Media Giant FPPFlacaInterMediaConsultaMegaVibe, which will from here on be refered to on this news site as News Corp..

Things were good. Things were great. Things were Gringo. Things were Colombian. And I got thrown in the pool at my own shindig. Such is life.
More news to follow, As FppInternational operations managers are all busy right now getting used to the constant irritation of finger jewelry.

Kisses,
FPP

Holiday Fever

2008-12-25T13:44:00.000-08:00

We just spent another Xmas at the beach.

It seems like every year we are in BQ, we spend our Xmases at the Pradomar, with the surf and sunbathing holidayers.

Luckily this year we were treated to a lovely drunken couple who managed to get-it-on in their beach chairs. The show never ends in BQ.

Anyway, BQ is the place to be for the Holidays once again, after a Panamanian detour twelve months ago.

It's sunny, bright, hot, and windy, and the sea is relatively clean.
It's nothing like Tamba-cho though, where the holidays mean dressing up in musty old garments with musty old men.

Happy Holidays, see you soon,

FPP

Tangaga weekend and the Rocking Chuckwagons

2008-11-17T11:35:00.000-08:00

Puente means bridge in Spanish. It also means three-day weekend, at least here on the coast in Colombia. There are plenty of Puentes in October and November. It's a regal time of year to be a high-school teacher in BQ.

Anyway, to celebrate, my pal Roger called up and asked if the band I have been known to play with would appear at his new Bar, to be opened on Calle 84. Of course, I said, I will call everyone and get some stuff worked out. The fact that I haven't picked up a guitar in two months never came up nor the fact that the drummer now lives in Bogota. Oh well. So, with a little finagling and a three-beer-blind-taste-test (CERVEZA POKER won, to everyone's surprise), the band was created and another historic show was logged. We rocked the B612 bar and I believe it shall be a night remembered forever by all, especially the two couples who made immediate, and I mean IMMEDIATE departures as soon as we started to play. We are only here to keep the people happy.

After all of that chaos, we decided to meet another four gringoes/Colombians in Taganga for a couple days of rest and relaxation in the little fishing village of our hearts. It's the first time I have been in Taganga in nearly three years, I believe. Sand, Surf, Sea, Rain. Although the weather did not fully agree, and a couple hours were wasted going to the Uber-shitty Playa Grande, a nice relaxing weekend was had by all, replete with morning-wakeup-squawking roosters, dominoes, sweet pizza and lots a time in a hammock. Thanks to the folks at the Divanga Hostel for the rooms and beers and pool and cats.
Peaceful Indepence of Cartagena day to one and all.

FPPInternational

ahhhh. good finally, OBAMA

2008-11-04T20:02:00.000-08:00

Finally, the election is over and the old assholes are on their way out.
But the most important thing that i have noticed, is that sam donaldson is a crazy old man. Here in BQ, my news options on the internet are a little limited and i have spent the last two hours listening to the wisened Sir Sam. His constant chattering is odd, disjointed and downright frightening.

Why didn't the repub's run him, he's more-or-less the same as mccain, only less old looking and not so closely tied to palin.

sam donaldson in 2012.

ciao ciao
congrats
breathe easily, finally.

So, What have you been up to

2008-10-08T07:00:00.001-07:00

Wow, July to October without a post, a new record I think, for me.
Anyway, I came back to Colombia, moved, started work, got engaged, uhhhh, went to the gym a couple times, ate at a new Sushi place, bought a couple houseplants.

The trills never end.

Although the exchange rate is going to hell (how can that be, when the US economy is in the toilet?), I am still plugging away down here in Colombia, where my time is filled with avoiding responsibility, napping and avoiding over-indulgence.

I haven't even purchased a new shirt or anything in a while. Life is sometimes like that, I guess. But I am still alive.

Oh, Yeah, I did sing some Sinatra with a little jazz/salsa group at a fancy-schmancy restaurant recently. I am sure my performance was about as thrilling as this here little update. More soon. I hope. Really. Sorry. Please do not live vicariously through me.

Annual Backpacking Trip. This year: Coldness

2008-07-21T13:59:00.000-07:00

The Weatherman, Chili, Strando, and I have successfully completed another annual backpacking trip, only to learn that some elevations should never be visited, even in mid-July. It was cold. I whined, cried, bitched, complained and hid in my sleeping bag alot. One nice thing though, the 'fridge, which kept our never-adequate supply of alcohol deliciously chilled.

Although I have no digital evidence of the 'fridge. I stole these pics from Strando, who is here helping himself to an available potable.

However, when the alcohol is flowing and available there will always be the danger of a Yeti-attack. Here is a rare photo of the mythological beast early in the morning, before he has donned his furry pantaloons.

Take care, stay warm, and never go into the woods alone.

BC wedding, dogs, Kampai!

2008-06-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

I have officially made it back to the USA, and to celebrate, I went north to Canada, home of our mortal enemies, the Cannucks. Luckily, I had a disguise in my rental car and drank beer so no one could tell me apart from those evil, queen-loving villains.

I attended a wedding and spoke some Japanese with a gaggle of girls from the land of the rising sun who were also in attendence when Ben and Nico tied the proverbial knot.

And there are dogs, too.

End of school year 2, la flaca at 25

2008-06-08T10:23:00.000-07:00

hey hey my my, la flaca old now, so get her a piece of pie

la flaca had a birthday this weekend, so, for the second time in as many days, we made a trip to a place that should not have let us in.

we had a night out at Canta Gallo, the singing rooster (PG version) Karaoke club. I was one of the four in our little group who Karaoked. I didn't know that it would be a competition. I represented our group, and I got second place, I am sure undeservedly. The options for tunes in English was sparse and I sang "Like a Virgin." but enough about me

we had a great time. and la flaca became too old for me to date in style.

Happy birthday flacita. besos.

End of the school year 1

2008-06-08T10:12:00.000-07:00

ok, wow, so the year is drawing to an end, so it is time to get a groovin.
cdveston is getting the hell out of town and we couldn't let him leave without a little rumba.

the best way to do this is to get some t-shirts made, drink some rum, take over a club like the rico melao, and slowly, almost imperceptibly, get everyone naked

the night went off without a hitch and the funk will last until all the nasty little gringoes return from their places of origin.

News from back home

2008-05-21T17:27:00.001-07:00

I shit you not, this is the headline from today's internet version of the SEATTLE TIMES:

Police move closer to finding groper

Seattle police have identified a man in connection with the groping of a woman in South Seattle and say he could be tied to 22 similar attacks in the area.

super groper, evading the Seattle Police by heading south. Daibolical

Chiva Believa

2008-05-12T03:59:00.000-07:00

Another weekend, another chiva.

As the school-year winds down the gringoes of BQ (accompanied by denizens of Cartagena and Santa Marta) pushed themselves into a rumba-powered bus with the world's youngest mijo band and set sail for a cruise of stupidity.

the night was positively weird, but at the end very little was lost, outside of Joel and Darling's purse, and nothing was gained.
(After reading this post it seems to me I have to make a note here. Joel and darling do not share a purse. Darlene's purse got lost, stolen actually, and Joel got lost too, although he was recovered by some cops in a park at seven in the morning, and brought back to gringo-land, hungover and walletless. )

Semana Santa - Part One, The Way Down and The Wedding

2008-03-20T09:55:00.000-07:00

ok.
welcome to spring break -- or Semana Santa -- as they say down here.

Here goes. One of La Flaca's friends from high school decided to get married the first Saturday of Semana Santa, so we went to Bucaramanga [that isn't a typo, there really is a city down here called Bucaramanga (pronounced boo-ka-ra-MAN-ga, really.)] Anyway, we went to Bucaramanga for the wedding, in a van, with a couple of La Flaca's friends and a bunch of people neither of us knew, and a drugged up cat in a diaper. Yes.

So, here's the best explanation I can give for this girl bringing this cat on an overnight trip of six hundred miles or so that just happened to take fourteen hours, give or take: her sister is pregnant. That's the explanation I got.
"So," I asked. "Why are you bringing a cat on a six-hundred mile overnight trip in a van with fourteen other people?"
"My sister is pregnant."
"Okay then."
I know not to ask too much more than this, as Colombia is a place people believe some weird shit. Example 1: La flaca will not take a shower after eating. Why, you ask? She doesn't want to have a heart attack. Hmmmmm. She's 24 and weighs like 90 pounds.
Example 2: My maid will not iron clothes after taking a shower. Why, you ask? Doing so will destroy her bones. Hmmmmm. I don't know how to respond to that. usually I say "Ok."
So, the cat couldn't be left at home because the girl has a pregnant sister.
The trip was long, painfully uncomfortable and cold (the van had serious-ass A/C) and I never want to make this trip again.
But we got there safely, even though cat-diaper girl had no idea where we were going in Bucaramanga and got us repeatedly lost. Eventually the driver got pretty pissed at her and yelled at her a bit. By the way, did I mention cat-diaper girl is FROM Bucaramanga and she was trying to get her uncle's house, where she had been a million and a half times. Personally, I think she was sampling el gato's medicine on the trip.

Joselitos Last Stand

2008-02-09T05:29:00.000-08:00

The last day of the carnival celebration here in BQ is dedicated to Joselito. It is his wake. Joselito has died from some sorta over-indulgence and his body is interred until next year. I think. I really don't know, but lots of people, men and women alike, dress as grieving widows and the last of the rum, beer and aquardiente are consumed before the long forty days of lent that these Catholics impose upon themselves. By the way, from the aguardiente link, this particular beverage can be ordered in the states; do so at your own risk. I do not recommend drinking this stuff.

Anyway, to make the long story short, the carnivals are behind us and the world once again is spinning as it should, and we can all return to some goofy-BQ-interpretation of "normalcy".

ciao ciao
fpp

A Carnaval Apart

2008-02-05T05:26:00.001-08:00

Carnivals in Barranquilla came early this year, and the staff at FPPInternational left town super-early, but not before mugging for some TV time at The Lounge. Gio, bear-like proprietor of The Lounge, invited us to hang at the BQ nightlife hotspot Friday night, while a TV crew from Fox Sports filmed it for an episode on Colombian bars to air in Latin America in about a month.

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

As soon as that was over, the Staff got a little shut-eye (very little) and caught the 4:30 express collectivo for Tayrona. Of course, this is the Gilligan's Island-like national park a couple hours up the road from here, as mentioned in previous, thong-filled posts. Anyway, we organized a trip to the park with another local gringo and gal, slept in tents and got sunburned, thoroughly missing the Carnaval events of the only weekend of the year when people from the interior (Bogota, Medellin, Cali) and the exterior (USA, Europe, Argentina) actually come to Barranquilla.

Life can be sweet on the beach, but maybe too sweet, as the flies and ants would not leave us alone while our glucose levels rose and rose, and now, in order to augment our bitterness quotient, we have decided to return to normal lives with work, showers and all the daily battles that drive us on to the grave.
Happy Feburary. Kisses,
FPPInternational

Van Halen 1984, Track 3, for Xmas

2007-12-28T05:53:00.000-08:00

Uh!
Oh yeah!
Ah-huh!

Jump back, what's that sound?
Here she comes, full blast and top down
Hot shoe, burnin' down the avenue
Model citizen, zero discipline

Don't ya know she's coming home with me
You'll lose her in that turn
I'll get her!

Just returned from a short holiday break in Panama. For Easter I am already planning a trip to Hot For Teacher, Uruguay or maybe Everybody Wants Some, Chile. No matter how you slice it, the Holidays came up Panama which means a mind-numbing number of hours spent at shopping malls and plenty of time in American restaurants (Wendy's, Popeye's, Hard Rock Cafe, Bennigans, Hooters and TGI Fridays, just to name a few).

Anywho, after five days and five Chicken Caesar Salads, La Flaca and I flew back into the wilds of Barranquilla yesterday and must now face the remaining Holidays without access to cheap shopping malls and greasy Gringo chow, which is why people get so depressed around this time, I think

ho ho ho
fpp

The Immaculate Slipstream Trailer

2007-12-08T06:28:00.000-08:00

The Immaculate conception, which was actually the impregnation of St. Anne (the baby is the Virgin Mary) occured on Dec. 8, so on Dec. 7 Colombians stay out all night and get drunk and dance. When in Rome, go to the baths, gorge yourself and watch Spartacus.

So we went out last night, and succeeded in establishing our little group as THE bunch of assholes to avoid. Living in Barranquilla is like living anywhere else, only hotter, louder and without a creamy filling.

I Have one week of work left and then will be vacationing in Panama where I am planning on digging a big trench and convincing a couple oil tankers to pay me millions to use it, then escaping into the jungle with my ill-gotten gains as the tankers crash in the ridiculously shallow trench, spilling precious oil all over the wildlife. sweet sweet pollution.